The 10 People You Meet in a Hostel

  1. Ronzo (30) The volunteer Australian (or is he a Kiwi??) hostel bartender who you regrettably have sex with. He’s got a beard, an ass tattoo that says “Fuck Lonzo,” (a really hilarious inside joke with the hostel bartender, Lonzo, from across the street), and has questionably been working at the hostel without pay for way too long. Nobody knows where Ronzo comes from, when he arrived, and when he plans on leaving. Ronzo has never been sober. Never. He definitely pees in the common shower, even if there’s a toilet available. DEF the life of the party!
  2. Drew (24) This guy ~floats~ into the common area with his guitar held gently in his sunburnt arms, which are poking out of his Quicksilver tank top. He‘s got no shoes, the occasional flip flop, sometimes just one. One brave German girl asks what everyone else is thinking: “OMG can you play?” to which he chuckles, “Of course.” The first 3 chords of Banana Pancakes fill the halls of the hostel. Everyone groans. He also knows Wonderwall.
  3. Ella (25) She went to southeast Asia for two weeks one time and got a tattoo that reads “sucker” in Hindi on her ankle, which she thinks says “wanderlust.” Her hobbies include traveling and talking about the importance of “giving back to local communities” while she’s staying in British ex-pat owned hostels. She likes to sport a headband, and “adventure off the beaten path” as long as she can still use her cellular data for Instagram. Nobody knows that her Dad is the CEO of Goldman Sax and pays for her to fly first class to all her destinations. She never goes anywhere without her Tevas, which were $100.
  4. Daryl (45?) Daryl is way too old to be staying in the hostel, and uses his son’s fake ID to pass within the hostel’s 18–34 age limit. Daryl works 3 months at a time as a mailman, then fucking rages for two weeks at youth hostels. Daryl is always lingering behind groups of people, never saying much but laughing at other people’s jokes. Everyone’s kinda creeped out by Daryl, but he always buys rounds ofdrinks at the bar, so it’s kinda OK.
  5. James (22) So British it’s offensive. James goes to a lot of drum & bass shows back in London, and likes to tell everyone about it. His favorite drinking game is Never Have I Ever, because he basically loses every time (he’s like, definitely had a threesome, he promises). After this he’s going to Hideout Festival in Croatia, then “detoxing” for a week in Mykonos. Anyone know where he can score some blow??
  6. Aaron (32) Aaron is a first grade teacher back home in Ohio, which is absolutely fucking terrifying when you think about it.
  7. Amber (20) The American girl who just wants to get fucked up with everyone. She frequently opens conversations with “Don’t worry, I hate Americans” yet somehow fits all the disappointing stereotypes, like being way too loud. She sleeps with Ronzo twice and thinks she’s definitely “in” with the hostel staff now. Everyone actually hates her, but she doesn’t notice because she’s too busy “skinny dipping” in the shower, which is just taking a shower, but she’s too drunk and loud to realize that.
  8. Eric (32) Started traveling 10 years ago after he realized the mundaneness of capitalism didn’t suit him (but also after his girlfriend dumped him for not being able to keep a job). Doesn’t like areas that are too touristy because then you can’t immerse yourself in the local culture, which he tells you on the hostel pub crawl. He’s taken ayahuasca 5–25 times and regularly starts conversations with “Excursions are my cancer, man.” Eric is white but has dreads, which might be confusing to some, but definitely seems absolutely normal to him. While he claims he’s from “the earth’s bowels, man” we‘re pretty sure he grew up in the Bay Area.
  9. Amanda (24) A closeted Trump supporter who overcompensates by saying things like “Don’t worry, I didn’t vote for Trump.”
  10. Pips (26) Pips is such a legend! She’s like, totally savage. She was a classic guest turned staff member because everyone liked her so much, and by that we mean she blacked out every night, which was funny for everyone. Pips is downright hilarious, everyone says so on their hostelworld review. Pips shows everyone a good time, but has never actually made a bed or checked in a guest during her time at the hostel. Pips has a drinking problem, but like, it doesn’t matter because she’s traveling, so it doesn’t even count, right? Haha.

*Everyone on this list is white

Comedian and writer in LA. Video maker @ Glamour, Vogue, Teen Vogue GQ, Wired, and beyond…