The land of the wild wild wet wipes. It’s the only place where I’m just as likely to network in line with a future employer, as I am to drunkenly borrow a stranger’s diva cup.
Don’t worry, I’ll give it back.
But despite all their magic and unpredictability, women’s restrooms can suck. Like the wild wild west, they can be ruthless, violent, and in some cases (silent but) deadly.
You see, many unsuspecting evils lurk inside the women’s restroom — everything from those free cardboard (sandpaper) tampons, which I assume were put there by Russian Chaos Organizations aimed at injecting…
The clock was ticking and I bid my farewell to 2019, a year which, at the time, I had dubbed the worst year of my life (lol). There was a lost friendship, a breakup, a move across the country, and of course, my period, which I randomly got every month (except the one month I didn’t, which sucked for equal and opposite reasons).
I closed my eyes, crinkled my nose and made my New Years wish: I hope 2020 makes me richer and hotter and ends world hunger too.
I kissed my boyfriend. Yes, the same one from the previous…
What is the meaning of life?
Am I going to heaven or hell?
Is it possible to pee with a tampon on?
These philosophic questions have been debated for centuries by the world’s most prophetic thinkers*. And indeed everyone from original fuckboi, Aristotle, to my 24 year old boyfriend who doesn’t own a bed frame — have silently wondered if in fact, we pee and bleed out of the same hole.
*men who gave themselves that title
When my boyfriend first quizzed me on the matter last week, I was completely caught off-guard. Was it a trick question? A riddle…
And if you’re like I was one week ago, you probably thought locking yourself indoors to avoid potential contact with COVID-19, was about as over-dramatic as when you made your facebook status ~ it’s a love story baby just say yes❤ ~ in 2009. You were 14.
WHO 👏 WAS 👏 THAT 👏 FOR
Anyways, I’ve been lucky enough to get quarantined with my boyfriend for the past week. And without the distraction of work, friends, and daily routines, we’ve gotten to know each other in new, intimate ways. …
It’s upon us…Halloweekend! And you’re not the only one who forgot to think of a costume. Here are some topical alternatives to cat ears since they seemingly look cute on everyone but you(?):
This app is as hot in the cultural zeitgeist as you are headed, you fucking Aries, you. This costume is the cheapest on our list, requiring no actual outfit and just you screaming vague yet oddly specific and hurtful phrases at people such as, “Think before you speak…because everything you say is wrong,” and “Don’t forget to reflect on your past…over and over again you anxious disaster…
Well, after a month-long stint in the hospital to get my phantom vibrations under control, and also getting extremely low engagement on my last post, I’ve decided that today is the day that I finally erase Instagram and tell everyone about it. Here goes nothing…
7:00am: Usually, I wake up from the ping of an instagram notification that “bestass_vladimir68533332” liked my photo from 2014. I then scroll through my feed for roughly two hours, administering a near lethal dose of LED light directly into my retinas. Today, I just set an alarm and meditate for ten minutes.
8:00am: Feeling impregnated…
#MorningMeditation for the #ModernWoman
7:00am-7:45am: Slowly open your eyes. Scroll through Instagram 3 inches away from your face and administer an unhealthy dose of LED light and FOMO directly into your pores.
7:45am-8:00am: Close Instagram and deeply ponder what’s new on Instagram since you left.
8:00–8:30am: Meditate on your follow to follower ratio and calculate what absolute minimum amount of time is necessary to get ready for work. If I only brush my bottom teeth that gives me at least 45 more seconds of sleep.
8:30–9:00am: Open and close Instagram repeatedly in a seizure-like trance while repeating your mantra “lolololololololol”
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Comedian and writer in LA. Video maker @ Glamour, Vogue, Teen Vogue GQ, Wired, and beyond…