It’s been a month since i’ve written anything, and it’s been almost a month since i’ve started my first full — time job.
I have a tendency to runaway from my own words when I am feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and anything else that falls in that category. Sometimes I want to hide. I want to be on an island by myself. Watching the sunset — purple, pink, and orange colors. I want to feel sand on my legs, and warmth on my skin. I want to hear nothing but ocean crashes against the sand rather than racing thoughts and fast heart beats in the morning. I just want to hide.
I figuratively runaway from my emotions like i have in a half marathon… even if my emotions overpower and tend to drown me most of the time. I’ve been wanting to write and just write for the longest, but i open this up and i all of a sudden lose all the words i’ve ever known. Somehow reading about my own feelings scares the fuck out of me and the intensity of how much i really do feel. I know my writing is dark and takes a path where I write my way out of my own pain and challenges that suffocate me yet i still float.
At this moment I feel a heaviness on my heart. I’ve felt anger, grief, sadness, regret, loss. I ask myself why I am the way that I am. And through it all i want to hide and just feel my moms warmth but also not let the world know these feelings are in my heart. I often times hate referring to these traits because of my zodiac sign or astrology and such. But i truly am a sensitive person and choose to never show that weakness unless someone taps into that part of my soul, which is so difficult. I have been feeling so confused. I have been healing all over again. I have been triggered by the month of september and fall.
I have been triggered by memories from DC that impacted me nonetheless bringing me the joy and ability to recognize love.
I have been thinking of people that no longer have a place in my life. I have been thinking of my dad. I have been thinking of letting go. I have been thinking of love. I have been thinking of equal friendships. I have been thinking of healthy boundaries. I have been thinking about capitalism. I have been thinking about the prison industrial complex. I have been thinking of depression. I have been thinking of anxiety. I have been thinking of debt. I have been thinking of this past summer.
I would like to breathe for a moment and find that inner happiness or joy or peace, whatever that may be. I would like to take a moment and unleash my inner child.
But most importantly i have been thinking of my heart and all the inner work i have done. All the strength and oceans of healing that it has taken me to get to this point. All the resilience i have been carrying and all the grace I have had in persevering. I have been thinking of what strength looks like for me and how proud i am of my strength.
I am trying to be gentle with myself — acknowledging that transitions are fuckin hard. that perfectionism comes from a part of me that’s very unhappy with myself and feeling so ashamed when I mess up.
i have been thinking of my independence vs feeling lonely. I have been thinking of why i still choose to think about certain times in my life
I have been relying on laughter as a coping mechanism. I have been relying on what i think is solitude but mistaking it for isolation.
I have been thinking of anger and how it processes in my body. Where i feel it the most and how i express it… or how i don’t.
I have been thinking of creativity and who i am outside of this motha fuckin capitalistic world. I have been thinking of joy and having a break through.
I have been thinking and thinking and thinking
I can’t sleep because im stuck in the past or the future
