I found a love letter from a stranger…

Dear J,

WHY.

Why can’t the universe just let us figure out how to be kind to each other? To love each other unconditionally, despite our terribly imperfect selves.

It amazes me how much you can love someone who has the power to make you feel so terrible at the same time. It also amazes me how you can treat someone so terribly when you love them so much.

Neither one of us is innocent.

Unfortunately, we’ve managed to bring out the worst in each other. Maybe in some other relationship, with some other woman that you will learn to love, you will be an even more wonderful person than I already think you are.

Maybe, as frustration grows in her eyes, and her level of voice begins to rise…you’ll think she looks cute when she gets angry. Or maybe, it will invoke some protector instinct deep within you, and instead of hissing venomous words, you will feel an overwhelming urge to hold her.

Once upon a time, when you hurt my feelings it used to hurt you,too. As it did for me. We cared less about being right and more about making each other feel better. At the end of the day, the solution was always to make up.

We were just trying to figure out how to get to the point where we could just snuggle up to each other again, squeezing each other just a little tighter this time around.

THAT was the goal.

Now, words are hurtful daggers. They are meant to cause pain. The end goal is to be right and vindicated and if we must bring out the ugliest of ourselves in order to achieve that, than so be it.

These daggers are poison, and their venom stays embedded in our veins even after the fights have calmed. A part of our ugliness never goes away after that, and we’ve left each other a shell of our former confident selves. To protect whatever may be left of our pride, we slowly creep one foot out the door. And we wait, eyes looking down at the floor, for the moment that the other will break our hearts completely.

At this point, the relationship is toxic. We no longer bring value to each other’s lives, instead we bring hurt, frustration, and pain. And yet we stay…. why?

We’ve both claimed in different moments of desperation that it’s because we just love each other far too much. We see the ‘potential’ of a future filled with calmer, sweeter days of love and tender affection.

I suppose, I’d been waiting for the day that you hurt me just enough for me to realize that I now love you less. And then maybe I could be the strong one for the both of us.

But I’m now realizing, because you are EXACTLY the wonderful person that you are, I will never love you any less. There will never be a day, no matter how hurtful you have been, no matter how venomous your words, where I will ever love you any less.

So, I fear this is goodbye. We deserve to be happy, to find people who bring out the best of us every single day. We deserve to laugh until our stomachs hurt, and to look into the eyes of someone, and to feel like we are THE MOST special person in the world.

And I will go on with my days in search of my happiness, and I will never love you any less the whole time.

Sincerely ,

M