First Love

I fell in love with someone named Nicole almost 2 years ago. This was the start of something that would ultimately tear me down in so many ways. I never truly understood what this relationship really meant until recently. Now, to truly understand the lessons that were learned during the course of this relationship it is crucial to understand the relationship.

We met on Tumblr oddly enough. It started as nothing more than just messaging back and forth; however, that changed quite quickly. We both started getting really attached to one another and becoming more than just friends. There was one huge problem. I live in California and she lives in Michigan. This would inevitable cause more problems than anyone could ever imagine. On June 20, 2014, we made it official. She was my second official girlfriend and my first girlfriend since I came out of the closet.

The relationship was honestly a train wreck from the beginning. We would fight constantly about literally everything. It eventually began to take its toll. Within a month she left me for someone else. I truly wish that could be the end of the story but sadly it is not. (We dated for nearly a year and a half.) So, about a month after she broke up with me I took her back. For some reason I felt drawn to her. She was the person that I wanted to be with so I took her back. In October 2014, history would repeat itself. She began to have feelings for her best friend…Let me tell you right then and there I should have left, but I did not. I decided to stick it out. After this things got really good. We stopped fighting and it was great. We were happy…Well from my perspective.

Fast forwarding to December 31, 2014. She was finally in my arms for the first time. Watching her come down the escalator in her black leggings and skull sweatshirt, wearing her black beanie. My heart stopped and she took my breath away. She stayed with me for about a week. At the time it was one of the best weeks of my life. I had never loved anyone until then and it was amazing. She was my everything. That week flew by so fast and the next thing I knew I dropped her off at the airport. It felt like I lost my entire world. I was not able to stop crying for two days. I was in pain and nothing but pain because once she got home everything changed.

Once she arrived home she started college. She moved into a dorm and was in full school mode. Over the course of the next month and a half things between got steadily worse. She stopped texting me, calling me, and face timing me. I was nothing more than a burden for her. I began to feel inadequate and that she did not love me. My worst fears came true on February 13th. She called me and told me she did not love me anymore… I was crushed. I experienced my first true heart break. I could not even function properly for days.

Now, I did end up taking her back after this because I did not want to get over her and move on. I was too scared. I was a 18 year old kid who was scared of love and the world. She was familiar and I loved her. Over the course of the next 6 months we would break up and get back together 4 times.

The most interesting times were the last two. In May she said she wanted me back, so me being me I gave her a chance. I was falling for her again. It scared me shitless. So I did some social media research. I found out that she was in a relationship with another girl while she as trying to get back with me! I completely lost my shit when I found out. I truly thought that I was done with her forever…August 2015. We got back together once again. Now, I know how many times am I going to put myself through the same song and dance? One more time. She earned back my trust and I got to see her again because I drove to Michigan from California. One hell of a trip.

Anyway, fast forwarding to the end of September. My final straw. I went out on a Saturday night with my friends for the first time in months. The next morning I asked her to spend the day with me and face time with me. She said yes…She lied. Throughout the day she ignored me and barely talked to me. This was because she was on a date with another girl all damn day. I found out through Facebook. She tried lying to me saying that' “they were cousins” and then it changed to “we’re just friends.”

We went on a week break after that. No contact whatsoever. After that she told me that she had feelings for this person and that she thought we would be better off without each other. Not even 10 minutes after saying that she gave me the ultimatum of choosing an open relationship or breaking up. I chose to break up. In my eyes, she had cheated on me numerous times before and then wanted an excuse to be able to do so. I refuse to be in that situation. That was my last straw.

I know this was a long story but it was all vital and important to where I am today. I realized that Nicole taught me how to love. She made me realize that I am capable of giving someone my all and being fully committed. I learned that sometimes even when you give something and someone your all it does not turn out and that is 100% okay. We are both so much better off without each other. Distance was never an issue for me because I knew I loved her but love just is not enough sometimes. She taught me the red flags and the signs of an abusive relationship. That relationship was exactly what I feared growing up. Now, here I am 6 months after the break up and I am the happiest I have been in years. From darkness comes light and from the ashes I will rise. If you are going through rough times right now remember it gets better! Do not give up. The will to live will always outweigh the ability to die


  • Sorry for the long story. I condensed it as much as possible.
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