
Catching Up To Myself
On being real fake.
Some days I fear I’ll be discovered as a fraud. Found out. The mask coming off, people sighing, “ah. Now it all makes sense.”
Because what we see isn’t always what we get and what we get isn’t always what we see. It’s never the whole story.
My old story is being good at keeping people at a distance- a distance you wouldn’t know is there because I’ve learned exactly what parts of myself to share.
I know what flaws are seen as admirable and which ones paint me an outcast.
I know what parts of my broken heart are endearing and praised and which ones are scorned and derided- leaving me bleeding with no tools to save myself. I know how to be vulnerable in a way we’ll connect; without you realizing I gave you rose colored glasses to view me through.
I talk and write a lot about uncomfortable conversations, communication, health, and loving people as they are. Yet, I am still learning about these things- through books and my own life experiences. Writing and speaking is how I process it all. How I learn better. How I integrate deeper.
And I am, still learning. How to hold space. How to listen for the other person to feel seen and heard- not fixed or studied. How to actually connect with people and nurture meaningful relationship. It often feels I’m speaking about things I stumble and falter to walk upon. Restless leg syndrome as I try to find my footing in this new, uncomfortable, and awkward space known as growing. I guess I am. Because that’s what learning looks like: figuring out how to walk down new unbeaten paths. To choose the foreign terrain again and again. Every day.
It takes time. For our ideas and intentions to become real. To seep from the surface of our skin all the way down to the marrow of our bones. To shift from thoughts clumsily colliding in our minds, to words setting up residence on our tongues. It takes time to sound like ourselves.
So. Here I am. The mask is off. Now you know. I guess there’s no finding out left to be done; at least of this kind.
I am a work in progress.
I am catching up to myself.
Every day and always.
