If Jake Gyllenhaal Were Your Co-Parent

In honor of Twitter’s meltdown earlier today

If Jake Gyllenhaal were your co-parent, you wouldn’t be entirely sure you even wanted to be a parent until he says to you, “I would really love to be a daddy.” His eyes, more like a puppy’s than your actual dog’s, would melt your hesitance. He would already have names picked out that he would want to run by you. You would instantly fall in love with all of them, and worry to yourself about just how many children he wanted.

If Jake Gyllenhaal were your co-parent, he would be so over the moon that he would prematurely spill your secret to anybody that would listen. You would receive an excited text from the woman that tailors his suits for press events insisting that they make Baby’s First Red Carpet Look. You would thank them, but inside know that Jake Gyllenhaal would not allow your child in front of photographers for a very long time.

If Jake Gyllenhaal were your co-parent, he would have a group chat going with his mother, your mother, and his sister. He would ask them for advice on things like how often to rub your feet. When someone would remind him that swollen feet weren’t going to happen because you and Jake Gyllenhaal had decided to adopt, his sister would tell him that didn’t matter. Jake Gyllenhaal would send you a screenshot of his sister telling him to “rub those feet every damn day.”

If Jake Gyllenhaal were your co-parent, your mother would develop a slight crush on her son-in-law. When you teased Jake Gyllenhaal about your mother’s crush, he would pretend to be completely aloof. “What? Diane? You’re crazy,” he would say. Jake Gyllenhaal would smile just a little bit when he realized you were right.

If Jake Gyllenhaal were your co-parent, your mother’s crush would not annoy your father. Instead, he would take a cue from Jake Gyllenhaal and start injecting a bit of romance into their marriage. He would laugh every time Jake Gyllenhaal called him sport instead of Richard.

If Jake Gyllenhaal were your co-parent, you would quickly discover that the happy-go-lucky person you fell in love with exists not without the help of a cup of strong black coffee (three sugars) every morning.

If Jake Gyllenhaal were your co-parent, he would always let you choose what you were going to watch on nights you were both too tired to go out. He would develop a giddy enthusiasm for every single show you force him to sit through, including the reality shows. Especially the reality shows.

If Jake Gyllenhaal were your co-parent, you would own at least two books on introducing dogs to babies. They would be highlighted and ear-marked.

If Jake Gyllenhaal were your co-parent, he would insist on making waffles for breakfast every Sunday. He would experiment with “flavor infusions” that were often inspired (or chosen) by your now five-year old. You would be surprised to learn that gummy bears and waffles actually kind of works.

If Jake Gyllenhaal were your co-parent, his skill for pulling exaggerated voices would get you through some of the worst tantrums the Terrible Twos could produce.

If Jake Gyllenhaal were your co-parent, your child’s favorite Halloween costume would be the one Jake Gyllenhaal help him make: a perfectly recreated, screen accurate Bubbleboy costume.

If Jake Gyllenhaal were your co-parent, he would insist that naps were the single best bonding experience a family could have. Jake Gyllenhaal would ask you to join him and your little one frequently. You would join them, even though you would never fall asleep because naps make you groggy and cranky. Instead you would enjoy the quiet, and laugh at how the dog, the baby, and Jake Gyllenhaal all snore in sync with each other.