Things I Can’t Finish Because I Have A Baby

It’s definitely his fault I haven’t finished my novel yet.

The dishes

He doesn’t even use dishes yet because he eats from a boob. How do we suddenly have so many more dirty dishes?

Painting my nails

I have definitely, absolutely gotten nail polish on my baby after forgetting my nails were still wet. There is no such thing as sitting perfectly still for 30 minutes in a post-baby home.

Putting on makeup literally twice a month

Pre-blend contour is not a good look. Neither are lined, lipstick-free lips, half drawn eyebrows, or only one eye with mascara.

The text games I’m designing

Part of the reason why I’ve recruited my husband to help code one of them. Divide and conquer, y’all.

Eating my dinner

Sometimes he’s already in bed and we can eat out dinner together in relative peace if we aren’t arguing about what the stinger in Guardians Of The Galaxy Volume 2 means for the future of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Other times he wants to play or needs a diaper or is mad that I want to eat and stare at the TV for 15 minutes, so he starts hollering and whining until one of us abandons dinner altogether.

Sometimes we have to eat in turns. It’s probably funny, but I take my food too seriously to laugh.

The novel I’m writing

Real talk: I don’t know if I’m excited to write it because it’s actually a great idea, or if I’m excited to write it because I haven’t had the time to realize that it’s definitely not a great idea.

My coffee while it’s still hot

… and this is before he’s even crawling. Once he starts crawling and is fully independently mobile we will be investing in a Camelbak designed specifically for hot drinks.

Seriously though: buy one of those insulated coffee carafes like they use at Denny’s. Brew your coffee, transfer it to the carafe, keep in arm’s reach. Seriously, I think I paid $12 for mine, and it was the best things I’ve bought since he was born.

Watching a movie in which a child is abused/neglected/in peril

I think of this in the same way I couldn’t handle movies with dogs that are abused or abandoned. Do you blame John Wick? It’s not that I wasn’t bothered by these same situations prior to having a kid, but now? Holy biology, Batman. Crying babies — any baby, not even my own — make my boobs let down* like crazy. I have definitely heard babies crying in restaurant bathrooms and hung around “fixing my hair” to make sure everything was cool before getting back to my bottomless pasta bowl.

Literally anything creative as long as he’s around

You know those people you see at coffee shops, diligently typing away in the midst of all that noise and bustle?

Fuck those people.

I’m sorry. Don’t take that personally. It’s just that I’m jealous. I have never been able to focus on creative work with so much distraction present. If you can? Please email me at teach me your ways. I will pay you.

*For my friends that can not or do not lactate: this is what it’s called when your body decides it is time to send milk down into your milk ducts so baby can eat. It is a tingly sensation accompanied by a slight pressure/swelling. This can be triggered by many things. Crying babies especially.**

**I just want you to understand how weird a person’s body gets after they give birth. It’s, like, really bizarre and you should be in awe.