Tips For A Liberal Living in Texas, Part 1

A girl’s guide to surviving in a sea of angry conservatives.

When possible, ignore the ones that are just out to ruffle some feathers.

When you see the 20-something guy in your neighborhood with the three Trump/Pence bumper stickers, confederate flag decal on his hood (with matching window flags) waving a Make America Great Again hat out his window and honking his horn the day after the election — try to ignore it. Do not follow him until he parks his car somewhere. Do not let the air out of his tires. Do not shout him down. He is clearly mentally unwell and hasn’t considered what a massive d-bag he looks like.

But when you see him again months later and he makes a left turn on a red light and starts speeding through a school zone, feel free to call the police. There are fucking kids in this neighborhood.

Yell back at the men standing outside the women’s health clinic when they throw pamphlets at your car and yell bible verses at you.

Never mind that you were only getting your birth control refilled, or how traumatizing it is for women who are not able to mentally steel themselves against the verbal abuse, or the fact that these men have no concept of what these women are going through.

Thank the volunteer escorts if your clinic has them, or offer to be a volunteer escort yourself. Then clear your Saturday afternoons so you can counter protest alongside them with signs that say YOUR BODY, YOUR CHOICE and PLEASE IGNORE THE PEOPLE WITHOUT A UTERUS.

Bonus tip: Things you can yell back at men who think it’s cool to shove pictures of dead babies in your face

Why are there no women with you?

Is it because your wife left you?

Did she hit her head and come to her senses?

Did she realize how invasive and creepy your need to control other people’s bodies is?

Are you mad I’m getting laid and you’re not?

When in a group setting where you are clearly in the minority, playing dumb can be an effective strategy.

The quickest way to teach someone they aren’t funny or edgy is to ask them to explain, and then to explain more. What they’re saying doesn’t make sense! You’re just trying understand!

Person: makes awful, antiquated, racist joke about black men
You: Huh?
Person: repeats joke
You: I don’t get it.
Person: tries to explain

Trust me: once you ask a racist to explain their racist jokes, they will stumble. And they will fall.

When your gynecologist gives you a Jesus talk after you disclose your medical history, find a new doctor and tell every woman you know about your encounter.

“Okay, that’s perfectly okay. I don’t agree with it because I’m a Christian and I believe Jesus came to Earth and died for our sins and we’re all sinners and you should feel remorse.”

Yes, that’s right! Did you know that you not only can get your annual speculum up the hooha, you can also be shamed by the medical professional entrusted with your health for having made a very difficult, personal decision when you entrust your medical history to a college educated, Hippocratic oath taking physician?

File a complaint. Tell every woman you know what happened. Then ask them if they know anybody who won’t repeat bible verses at you while prodding your cervix.