Safe Word

I have trouble telling him how I feel, so we have a safe word to use when I want to let him know something that feels heavy. When I use the safe word, it pulls us out of the normal context of our relationship. He does his best to get into an open mindset and listen to me with everything he has when we use our safe word. He gave me this tool after we got into a black pit, a dark rut of our relationship and we realized that I wasn’t being as open and honest with him as I should be. My silence was the result of the type of relationship we had always had before we decided to be with each other in full, and so we used the safe word to alleviate this.

I told him today that we should have a safe word for detaching from heavy situations, for disconnecting from the noise of the day, even if it’s the beginning of the day, and to come back to each other with nothing on our minds — to be in it with each other. Simple. Happy. In love.

“What if I can’t do that or don’t want to?” He asked. I asked him to just try, just right now at least. I looked at him for a very long time. He finally broke into a little laugh, then nodded and said, “okay.” He held me closer. We returned to gazing at each other, the best way we know how to communicate. We were laying on our sides, gazing, and I used the word. “Blue.”

“Good morning, I love you.” He smiled at me with his eyes and his dimples came out to play.

I love seeing signs of his smile fall all over his beautiful face. I love it when the sunlight hits his eyes. It fills me with so much, with so many different feelings that I can never explain accurately. My eyes widen because I want to drink more of him in, and I can’t stop looking. I feel flushed with warmth and love, no matter how grey the sky is in that moment.

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