“Once more into the fray, into the last good fight I’ll ever know. Live and die on this day, live and die on this day”

If you read my last post then the film I chose was Joe Carnahan’s The Grey (2011). I skipped the whiskey. Alcohol still isn’t on the cards for me. But I needed something that would help me escape for a few hours. 6 minutes in and Liam Neeson has a gun in his mouth and I’m thinking “maybe this wasn’t the best choice when your mood’s low”. But then the quote above comes along and I remember the point of the film, a fight for survival, and suddenly my choice makes perfect sense. See here I am once again, fighting to survive the sudden, aggressive charge of anxiety. Watching this film I start to realise, “hell it could be worse, I could have been in a plane crash and hunted by wolves in freezing conditions”.

What I love most about the medium of film is how it speaks to me when I need it to the most. I have a knack for picking a film to watch at just the right moment in my life,were the themes or story are just what I need to hear. In my head I was thinking “you need Shawshank” but something stopped me from picking it. I haven’t quite hit that point yet. The point I have hit is where I wake every morning with a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. I don’t want to spend my days alone but everyone I know is in work. By the time deadlines close, interviews are arranged and people are hired, It could be another month before I see a change in fortune. So I’m filling my time with writing. And as many films as I can squeeze in. Some DIY about the house and a lot of cleaning helps pass the time.

Back to the film. If you’ve never seen it I highly recommend it. Marketed as “Liam Neeson vs Wolves” it is so much more. A tale of survival in the harshest conditions against the worst odds. And here I am complaining that I’m not working and comfortable financially. But then that’s what anxiety does to you. It can’t be helped it just takes over. I start overthinking things again, I stop concentrating on the film. Then, a scene where the survivors stare down a bunch of wolves gets me thinking. Stare down your problems. Don’t run away. Face them head on. I’ve been trying. I have an interview next week, meetings with some people who can hopefully help and I’m being as proactive as I can be. But as anyone who suffers from anxiety or depression knows, you can only do so much before it takes hold again. But from here on I will try to be more positive. Not just about the future, but about where I am in life. There are millions of people worse off than I am. And I need to remember that daily. That as bad as things seem, I can be grateful that I’m still in the position I’m in. At least I know my first love will always be there to help. I don’t know where I would be without films. They teach me so many life lessons that they replaced the father I never had growing up. Maybe that will be the subject of my next post. The lessons I’ve been taught by cinema. But for now off I go into the fray, into the last good fight I’ll ever know — and I plan to live on this day.

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