Where to begin?

Someone told me this was the place where everything’s better and everything’s safe. That the best thing to do with my thoughts was to put them into words, even if no one but me ever reads them. So here it goes. Last week I lost my job, after 10 years in the same place. Bearing in mind I am only turning 30 in July, that’s one third of my life spent in the same profession. I thought I was ready for a career change anyway, but there’s a difference between jumping off the cliff and being pushed off it. I also thought I had another job lined up, one I didn’t realise I wanted so badly until it turned out that I didn’t get it. I spent my first few days of “freedom” enjoying my hobbies. I took 2 trips to the cinema, I enjoyed a few whiskey’s and spent time with my wife. But then the call came to say the job I thought I had in the bag was not for me, and that’s when the anxiety came. It’s a horrible feeling. Logic goes out the window and all you are left with is a cloudy feeling of worthlessness, guilt and uncertainty. Deep down I know I’m not alone in feeling this way but loneliness is the one thing that comes to the fore. I’m sitting beside my wife but I feel like the only person at home. I steer clear of one hobby, the whiskey, and the other I find it difficult to concentrate on. I could watch a whole film and by the credits I won’t remember any of it. It’s only been 10 days, and I have a beach holiday coming up, but already I’m worried about the future. The same ugly question that has plagued me my whole life has reared its ugly head once again — what do I want to do with my life? The short answer, I want to work the same hours as my wife and spend all my free time with her. I don’t care what my career is as long as it facilitates that. But it’s never going to be that simple. Maybe the sooner I come to terms with that the more focused I’ll be. Or maybe I’ll put The Shawshank Redemption on again. It is after all my favourite film, one that gives me hope when all hope seems lost. I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged, their feathers are just too bright. I have to remind myself that my feathers are just as bright and I can break free from any cage I’m in if I just put my mind to it. Or maybe I should take a leaf out of Zombieland’s rules and just enjoy the little things. I suppose that’s a start. A whiskey and a film it is. If you’re reading this and thinking “damn I can relate” then at least we know we’re not alone. I’ll be back with my thoughts on said film and perhaps a more uplifting blog post. You can count on it. After all, I have plenty of free time now.