Dear Asshat Walking Down the Stairs on the Left

You’re doing it wrong.

Sir, we do not know each other. We are strangers. Yet we have something in common. We both live in America. Red means stop, green means go, yellow means caution, etc. Although I suspect that color scheme might include other places as well.

That said, here in America we drive on the right side of the road.

Perhaps you don’t own a car or have a valid driver’s license. Well, as you make your way through life, you can’t help but notice wheeled machines upon the road. These are cars. And trucks, buses, vans, etc. (Also bikes, but sometimes that can be a gray area.)

You’ll notice they all drive on the right side.

Continuing this theme, we also walk on the right side. It’s what ‘keeps things moving’. You can really see this during the summer months when more people are out and about. Especially when there are sidewalk sales. Boy howdy!

Well, this whole right side thing applies to escalators, people movers, and stairs.

Stairs are probably the most important to note because they can be dangerous. Ever fallen down the stairs? It’s hurty.

I bring this to your attention today because as I was walking UP the stairs to catch the train, you were coming DOWN the stairs. As someone who lives in America (like you), I know to walk on the right side (unlike you). I know I was on the right side — figuratively and specifically — because at this point in our country’s history it’s pretty much a national muscle memory type of thing. YOU were on your left (my right) impeding MY way.

“EXCUSE ME!” you shouted.

I stopped because WHUT?

“EXCUSE ME!” you shouted again.

I moved to my left and let you pass because A) you were shouting, which suggested a possible mental instability/deficiency, and B) I’m not an asshole.

Nonetheless, I called after you.

“Hey,” I said. “You’re on the wrong side.”

But it’s doubtful you heard me as you were shouting at the person behind me.


I guess on one hand it’s great you’re saying ‘EXCUSE ME’, but I don’t think it means what you think it means. Which leads me to the other hand. Should you come upon this ‘open letter’, I’m talking about YOU. And to be clear:

You’re an asshat for walking down the stairs on the left! You’re doing it wrong! Unless you have your own jetpack or pair of rocket boots, walk on the right! It will make life slightly easier for everyone! Including you! Asshat!

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