If you were President of the USA (Part 1)

I’d rather . . . than be President of the USA

Imagine you find yourself in the White House of the United States of America. You wake up , and everyone addresses you as

Mr. President


Madame President

Every American citizen’s dream, correct?

What do you do?

Version #1

After you get dressed, you ask to speak to the head of your Secret Service Detail and that agent’s second in command. When they appear, you ask them

Without actually firing a shot, please demonstrate to me with a realistic role play how you would protect me if an armed intruder entered the White House and attacked me. One of you role play the attacker and the other the defender. I know you must enact this in your training, so please do this quickly and demonstrate your skills and dedication convincingly.

Second, you ask your chief of staff to meet with you. Say,

My mind is a little foggy this morning. I am sure I will be on top of things shortly but just to help me get going this morning, please provide a 30 minute review of my Cabinet and top staff and the primary issues I need to deal with today.

Then you go to the White House exercise room and work out, with Secret Service Agents #3 & #4, giving them orders to shoot blanks at you if you do not move fast enough on the treadmill to escape a lynch mob pursuing you.

When they laugh uneasily,


I am fucking serious. Am I the mother fucking President or am I not?. Isn’t it your duty to die for me if need be? I am just testing if you will do any kind of legal shit I need to do to save me and the fucking United States of America.

You then review information about the Vice President of the United States, including secret FBI, and NSA files. Ask him to have breakfast with you.

At a healthful breakfast, ask the Vice President to explain why you chose him or her as your running mate and why you should not throw him or her to the wolves.

After breakfast deal with those issues which seem to be likely to cause the end of the world on the current day, as best as you can.

Tell the Chief of Staff to gather the Cabinet, top staff, Secret Service, your personal legal counsel, and anybody else you deem vital for your secret plan to save the country which I will shortly reveal.

You eat a small lunch by yourself before everyone gathers for the big luncheon.

As everyone is eating and waiting expectantly

You begin by announcing:

I am a complete impostor. I plan to resign as President of the United States today. At this point you have a decision point. You had to make an executive decision about the Vice President. If he was not (in your quick summary and evaluation) fit to be President, you will have to figure out how to get rid of him.

At this point you have a decision point.

If you have decided he is more dangerous than you are you can have the secret service shoot him by screaming

he is threatening to kill me,

or you will have to figure some other effective but less drastic way to get rid of her.

If you consider the VP more qualified than you, carry on with the rest of the plan.

You then ask the Attorney General and your personal counsel to what extent you can pardon yourself in advance for any crimes you may have committed or or thinking of committing.

At this point you ask to have Air Force 1 prepared for quick departure. I presume this is something the United States Government is usually prepared for. If not.

Why the fucking hell not?

At this point the Secretary of State what countries in the world DO NOT HAVE EXTRADITION TREATIES WITH THE UNITED STATES, and the the head of the CIA what countries he recommends for you to flee to.

Then you ask the Secretary of the Treasury to get you a billion dollars in small unmarked bills in the next fifteen minutes. He they dither, ask the Secret Service to shoot very close to their bodies just to help them concentrate and move expeditiously.

By this time Air Force 1 and//or the appropriate helicopter should be ready for departure. Before you leave have the Secret Service duct tape everyone and render them immobile. Ask the Secret Service to decide which ones are willing to live in exile with you — telling them they are doing a great deed for their country and you well with the money your are looting from the Treasury. Have them tie up the agents who are not on board with your plan.