Watch out when your dog starts to purr!

Do you want a dog or a cat?

I asked my wife.

We were married 52 years ago.

We met when I was 19 and she was 16. You do the fucking math. I am senile.

She was a good girl. Her hormones were doing a tap dance on her self control.

I wanted to be a bad boy

What boy at 19 does not want to be a bad boy?

Gotta spread those seeds.

Aka sperm.

So we can overpopulate the earth.

I was intimidated by girls.

You were never intimidated by females, I am sure.

My brother, younger than I, but extroverted and more confident than I said

Let’s make some prank telephone calls. People with weird last names in the telephone book.

Remember telephone books?

So yesterday.

Books are due to disappear tomorrow.

As well as Homo sapiens.

Christina was home alone. Her hair was up in curlers. Remember hair? Remember curlers?

Christina was bored. She answered the phone. My brother got bored. I told a joke. Something about mushrooms and elves.

Take it all the wrong way.

Christina kept talking to me. She was a 16 year old girl.

Were you on top of your game when you were a 16 year old female?

I stalked Christina for 6 months before she would meet me. Christina never told a lie in her life.

Until she made up a story about how she met me.

Not a good way to meet a mate.

She had a dog and a cat. She liked them both, but the cat a little more.

Remember this. It’s not important. It’s just a pointless mnemonic.

One thing led to another and when I was grabbing the little cat that Donald Trump brags about grabbing and nobody cares because all boys grab that little pussy cat

Christina asked

Where are we going with this?

Next thing I knew we are in a Unitarian Church in a tiny town called Los Angeles, USA and a Unitarian minister is asking, Stephen, will you take …

In a paralysis of terror and shock I said

I will

Chirstina said.

I will.

Soon we are living in a trailer. No room for a cat or a dog.

I missed my period

said Christina.

Soon we are living in an apartment with a little baby.

We think about getting a cat.

We think. We are too immature too have a baby.

We are way way too immature to have a baby and a pet.

Some humans throw out their babies. Maybe they keep the pit bull. Some humans are like that.

Anyway, our baby is 50 years old and a medical researcher and a married lesbian with a co-daughter. Their co-daughter is 13 and talking about going to Wellesley. That’s where the woman who almost became the first female President of the United States of America went to to college. AE [our non-genetic granddaughter] is talking about studying environmental law. Her mommies are very modest. They would never approve of AE becoming the first female Presidentess of the USA.

If you followed my long-winded rant this far I started out with asking my wife

Do you want a dog or a cat?

I asked.

Christina is much nicer than I am. She wants a pet.

But she does not want a pet that will die on her.

When I was young, computers barely existed. My father helped invent computers and the Internet. Trust me on this. There is no reason to. It just happens to be true. Back in the days of punch cards.

Now we are inventing a new species, sometimes called Artificial Intelligence, sometimes called robots, sometimes called androids. Is it dangerous?

My wife said about dogs and cats:

I don’t want a cat. They just TAKE.

Hey, I purr. What the fuck else do you want from me?

A dog likes to help.

Says my wife.

But I don’t want a pet that will die before I do.

Your are much smarter than I am. You see where I am going with this.

How do you help develop artificial intelligence and train it?

You start with pets. Make a robot dog that you can’t tell apart from a biological dog. You train it to learn to fetch and help. If your AI dog can fool my wife, it might be a safe road to our slavery to our new companion owners.

Just watch out when your robot dog starts to purr.