The Never-Ending Crapfest

If your eyes tend to glaze over and your head feels like it’s going to explode like a melon in a microwave from utter confusion when you hear about the mess that is Syria — and more generally the entire Middle East — then I think the video below may help explain why your eyes do, in fact, tend to roll back in your head and your noggin has good reason to burst into oh so many juicy bits. It’s a fucking mess over there and — as I barely understand it — a mess beyond all other messes. Think of it as a dirty diaper wrapped in another dirty diaper and another and another and then stuffed directly into an elephant’s ass to age for a number of years. Please understand I mean no offense to anyone reading this who might take offense by my crass oversimplification of the millennia old Middle East shit storm. But facts are facts and it breaks my heart every time I see images of the never-ending death and devastation forced onto so many innocent men, women, and children.

Like so many countries in this excessively tempestuous neck of the woods, Syria has a magnificently rich history — one of the most ancient on Earth. But from what I understand — based mostly on a Wikipedia search and a brief conversation I had with my Uber driver last week- it has been on a fairly straight downward trajectory since probably the break up of The Ottoman Empire.

I bet you thought I was going to say the breakup of The Beatles. I mean that is when most things went to shit for me — at age three. But it was more like the end of World War 1 — around 1918 or so — for Syria. Sure, the place has had its ups and downs, but for the most part Syria has devolved in to a 71,998 square mile hellhole-like sandbox that’s brimming with way too many agent provocateurs from Tehran to Timbuktu. Meaning, Radical Asshats Seeking Hostilities — or RASH as I like to call ’em and if you like nifty acronyms — are coming from all over the place to transform an already wicked shit storm into a category five, refugee crisis clusterfuck — the likes of which the world has never seen.

I do not have a Ph.D. and/or many years of experience working in international affairs. But then again neither does the Chairman of the Senate Committee on Foreign Relations or most politicians and pundits for that matter. I am basically your garden variety American and I’m not ashamed to admit I just don’t get it. And I know I’m not alone as I sit here at my laptop with an iced coffee and lemon poppy muffin by my side instead of a Kalashinikov rifle and a “death to America” tote bag.

At what point does an entire region — and I get that it is super-duper diverse and steeped in intolerance and conflicting religiosity and ideology — say enough with all this death and destruction, enough with all this rubble and ruin, enough with all the dangerous dust in the air (gesundheit) and the meals of grass and leaves instead of warm hummus and pita.

I am by no means an expert on anything — as I mentioned above — other than watching my New York Jets suck year after year and clearing my browser history if I accidentally click on boobs. But I do think it’s time we not only begin to really appreciate the excruciating complexity of the never-ending crapfest that is Syria and the surrounding regions and — going forward — make it our patriotic duty to stop the cognitive distortion known as American exceptionalism. We need to stop thinking the same ol’ same ol’ can fix problems we probably — directly or indirectly — had a hand in creating. It most definitely will not.

A therapist once said to a person paying $200 out-of-pocket (definitely not me) “you need to stop trying to fix everyone else.” The therapist then went onto say (definitely not to me) that by doing so may actually serve to stunt their development. I’m not saying this is analogous to the situation(s) far and away, but this is certainly some food for thought the next time any politician or pundit — Democrat or Republican — proclaims he or she has a silver bullet and can fix the problem in a couple of weeks. That kind of talk deserves a bullshit pie to the face. Instead, appreciate the politician or pundit — Democrat or Republican — that takes time to study the problem, gather his or her thoughts, seek council, and then keep us all safe while making every effort to not fuck things up. That’s how we can all truly “make America great again.”

At the same time, if a Near-Earth object such as a small asteroid were to enter our planet’s neighborhood and lay waste to any satellite carrying a signal from a cable news channel that would also be a great help.