When Aunt Sally Tells You You Are Fat

I’m writing this in December, a time for food and family.

And Aunt Sally. The beloved family member who loves to comment on your weight.

I bet you have an Aunt Sally in your life. She loves to comment on your weight — and your kids, your earning potential and anything else she can pick apart. She can’t keep her opinions to herself.

She might be your mom, sister-in-law or grandmother. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that family get-togethers can be ruined by those nagging comments about your weight.

I’ve been there.

I still remember my “Aunt Sally.” I was eight years old and had, over the course of the past year, went from being a skinny kid to a fat boy with love handles. My Aunt Sally took it upon herself to let my entire family know at Christmas dinner that I was “Porky Pig” and grabbed my rolls of side fat for a tight squeeze. A few years ago, I lost 70 pounds and achieved the body fat percentage of an elite athlete. I don’t share this to brag but to convey that at my Aunt Sally moment still frustrates me.

I suspect you have experienced these moments, too, from the distant past or recent present. Given that it’s the time of year when we see Aunt Sally at the holiday dinner, I thought it might be helpful to provide a few ways of dealing with people like her.

Move #1: When Aunt Sally judges the amount of food on your plate with her eyes.

Aunt Sally starts judging your food spread with her eyes. You know the look: the raised eyebrow, the feigned look of surprise on her face. This is passive aggressive behavior 101. Don’t let it go unchecked. Your first move is to say, “Want my plate?” This tells Aunt Sally, I’m onto you, and puts her on the defensive. She’s likely to cower and crawl back into whatever time warp hole she lives in the rest of the year between family gatherings. You can be 90% sure she won’t be a nuisance the rest of the night.

Move #2: When Aunt Sally comments on your plate of food

Suppose Aunt Sally is feeling sassy and wants to banter. She’s likely to say something passive-aggressive like, “You must be hungry,” or my favorite, “Leave some food for the rest of us.” When this happens, you might feel like hurling your plate of food at her outdated haircut. Instead, try saying this: “What?”

“What?” is really powerful. If you haven’t used this move before, try it. Asking “What?” forces your snarky relative to repeat herself. Most often, Aunt Sally won’t. End of discussion.

Move #3: When Aunt Sally won’t back down

Suppose Aunt Sally gets a dose of courage, knocks back a few glasses of Franzia and calls you out on your weight. What I found works really, really well is to tell the truth.

“Aunt Sally, it hurts my feelings when you say things like that.”

The key is to say this calmly, in a soft, kind voice. Your goal is not to be be angry — or at least appear to be. You come across almost as a unaffected observer to Aunt Sally’s idiot tactics. Your brand of direct and kind feedback is likely to disarm her into first apologizing then shutting the hell up.

But what if that doesn’t work?

Move #4: Putting Aunt Sally in her place

By now, you’ve earned the right to annihilate her with biting commentary about all of her life’s failings. But a nice person like you recognizes that short-term wins via tear downs don’t equate to long-term peace of mind. So here’s what to do and say.

First, if you’re holding your plate, put it down. And make a big deal out of it. Great actors know the importance of props. Your plate is a prop. Stare at it for a beat, as if contemplating the entirety of your life up to that moment. With a soft sigh, rest the plate down on a table. Next, look at Aunt Sally and say, “Aunt Sally, this is the day you let me know if I should stop caring about you.”

It will be unclear to her what you mean. She might look at you with her head half-cocked and eyes wide, like a dog wondering if you’ll be opening up a can of dog food.

Here’s your opportunity to elaborate.

“I’m an adult. I have become tired of your inability to recognize what’s your responsibility and what is my responsibility. This will be the last time I allow myself to be in the same room with you if you keep disrespecting me. Is that clear?”

It’s important you ask a direct question to conclude your statement. It forces Aunt Sally to acknowledge what you said. She’s likely to be shell shocked by your direct, assertive tone. You might have to repeat your declaration.

“Aunt Sally, are you going to keep disrespecting me? If so, please understand I won’t allow myself to be in the same room as you any more. Am I clear?”

If you haven’t guessed by now, the Aunt Sally’s of your world are cowards. They like to pick on other people to avoid the pain of dealing with their own lives. By calmly and rationally engaging them, they almost always slink off avoiding eye contact the rest of the night.

Putting Aunt Sally in her place might be a solid win for you. But it might not get you to happiness.

And happiness is our birthright. Regardless of what our scale weight says.

So before you arrive at that holiday party where Aunt Sally, your sister-in-law or mother are waiting for you…ask if you’re willing and able to accept yourself for who you are, how you are, and where you are.

If you’re willing to accept yourself — and you should — then dealing with Aunt Sally should be a walk in the park. After all, the holidays are a time for gratitude.

Be grateful for your bad-ass self.

Be grateful for all you’ve accomplished.

Including putting Aunt Sally in her place.