21 Things I Learned The First Week After Having My Chest Cut Open

A full week has finally passed since I laid down in a big-city hospital and allowed a room full of strangers (in full confidence of the Lord’s guiding hand plus their board certifications) to use a scalpel and a saw to cut my chest open.

[BACKGROUND: I was diagnosed a few weeks ago with myasthenia gravis, then learned I had a thymoma — a tumor on the thymus. This really meant the thymus had to come out.]

In the week since surgery, I have learned the following 21 things. Maybe more. I’ll keep this as close to chronological order as practical.

AT THE HOSPITAL
The thymus is pretty underrated. In fact, most people just don’t know the first thing about it. After surgery, a visitor even asked me, “Thymus? Do I have one?” Of course, being in my profession, I consider this a sign of the lack of thymus advocates. The poor gland just needs an awareness campaign.

Tubes. When you go into the hospital for a sternotomy (in which the sternum, or chest bone, is sawn asunder), in order to have a thymectomy (in which the thymus is removed) or for heart surgery (needs a cool single-word name), surgeons should say this: “Hello. We are going to put you to sleep to insert some drainage tubes into your chest. And while we’re at it we’ll probably cut your chest open and stuff.” Because those drainage tubes hurt — their presence, and their removal.

Items to take home with you. When you’re leaving the hospital and the nursing professional asks “do you want to keep your waffle?” or “do you want to keep your donut?” he/she is not talking about food. And “YES” should always be your answer. Trust me on this one.

Reach for nothing. Among 87 other miscellaneous yet important things to learn upon leaving a place where you’ve just had your chest cut open, you will be told not to do things that require lifting you arms (independently or in unison) over your head. At first you think “no problem,” and then after about a day you realize that there are apparently only a few things in life you can actually do for yourself without reaching at least one arm over your head. And you will need to do roughly 78% of those things during the week after having your chest cut open.

The weight of things. Even higher on the list of things you will learn is that you must avoid lifting anything over 5 pounds for a while. It is then you will realize that practically everything in life weighs more than 5 pounds.

AT HOME
Breathing is good. We had some pain management issues earlier in the week, and I spent a couple of days not being able to breathe very well. We stayed in touch with the surgeon and his nurse, made some adjustments and all is well. But I have gained a new respect for the ability to bring oxygen into one’s body at regular intervals. All day long.

Fever. Having some fever for a few days after you have surgery doesn’t always mean you’re dying.

Your ribs go all the way around you, apparently. If someone cuts your chest open in the front and pries apart your ribs for an extended period of time, you could become sore a few days later in your back. Because it’s apparently all connected.

Tumors are scary. Even if you know it’s benign, you don’t know until you know. And knowing is awesome. (Thank you pathologist for issuing a report before Christmas.)

My wife really does love me. Thank you, Michele. I know I’ve been a real pain in the thymus these past few days.

Poinsettias come in more than red.

Your muse may not be into drugs. Supposedly, narcotics gave us works such as “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner” and “The Raven.” This new notebook I bought before surgery is still empty.

Our house is hard to find. Just ask the flower delivery drivers, UPS drivers, even some of my family members.

We have wonderful friends and family. So many people have checked in through phone calls, text messages, Facebook, etc. We know you have been praying, and we know it has made a difference. Thank you.

When you have to, you can. We had the luxury of planning this surgery. But it still came at a busy time for us, considering our work load. Do you know what we did? We made it happen. Knowing when I left last Thursday that it would be a few weeks before I would be managing projects and employees at anything resembling a regular schedule made me put some plans into motion. And if we can do that, you can, too.

Life goes on for everyone else. Have you ever had something major happen in your life — like, something pivotal, life changing — and then you get on Facebook and people are like still going shopping, getting married, having babies, taking vacations, and even having their own major health and personal events? How crazy is that?

However bad it is here, it’s worse somewhere else. Now I realize completely that “it could be so much worse” doesn’t make THIS any better by comparison. When you tell someone this, you are literally saying “well bless your heart, just think about how much worse it would be if something else bad was happening to you at this very moments as well.” Is that just a habit of the Southern cultural, I wonder? It’s like we’d eat a rock and say “well we could be eating dirt, too,” in hopes that will make the rock taste more like chicken. But all that aside, it really is worse somewhere else. Always. And that makes me grateful, somehow. “I have this, but at least I don’t have that, too. And I sure wouldn’t swap.”

Harry & David is a very good company to have such an unfinished name. I mean, ultimately product selection and service drives a business, but I can’t imagine WordSouth being as recognized in our industries, for example, if we were to change the name to “Stephen & Michele.”

Food is therapy. If you’ve never had a Harry & David Three Seed cracker topped with Harry & David Gouda cheese and a little bit of Harry & David pepper and onion relish, you should order some for yourself. You’ll feel a twinge of culture.

Fleece. Just saying. I know, most people reading this have never seen me wearing anything but khakis. But fleece. Who knew? Who knew?

About Pears. Our Harry & David gift crate came with several pears. Unfortunately, the Internet is overrun with an abundance of weird pear recipes. If you have recipes for awesome things to do with pears, that people on Sand Mountain would bite into and say “MAN, that’s good,” even when talking to a woman, then please send them to me. Better yet, just come get some pears, make the dish and bring it back over here.

Oh, never mind… you couldn’t find our house.