OPEN


I saw so much fear in his eyes. I never thought he was afraid of anything. I always saw him as a strong man but when I asked to see his phone I could feel the ,”Oh Shit!” seep out of his brown eyes.

He fought back. Not handing over his phone, insisting I was crazy for asking, cradled that stupid device like it was his life line. Finally, I’d had enough. The ultimatum was given “Give me the phone or I’m leaving you.” Yea, I went there. It may seem harsh to you but if you’d found what I have found previously taking up space in his phone you’d give the sink or swim too.

The moment before he handed over the phone was something I’ll never forget. The look of sheer terror. I didn’t have to look to know what was in the device. The deed was written all over his face. So I take it. I slide my finger across to open it. I go straight to the privacy setting. “Put the code in.”, I demanded. He pretended not to know it which is fine because his lack of imagination won’t allow for him to be original. I simply put in his code 0–6–7–7. Unlocked.

I went back to his photos. I scrolled through. Pictures of me, our son, his other kids, good times, family, the zoo, bent over naked Mexican chick, spread eagle White girl, vagina, tits, ass, tits, ass, ass, vagina, and the rest is no mystery. My heart sunk into my stomach. Why!? How dare he! I told him over a year ago how his attraction to porn made me feel about myself. I told him it made me feel like I’m not what he wants since I don’t have long hair to the back of my knees. I’m not white. I don’t look like a Chola. I don’t have blue or green eyes. I don’t have a monstrous ass that would require the help of another person just to wipe. I don’t have gigantic tits. I’m just me, the woman he tells he loves everyday. The cheek he kisses every morning before he leaves for work. How can you love someone but wish to be with someone else!?

I stopped scrolling. My tears wouldn’t allow anymore finger swipes. I was crushed. Id been lied to and disrespected one too many times. “Check his emails”, my inner voice said. So I did. I chose Yahoo because it was the first one I saw. Disqus sent an email so I opened it. It was a response, “Thnx Pud”. The response was him telling some other woman he loved her bows and her pretty booty. I died inside. I had to fight the urge to quickly and powerfully punch him square in his eye. How long has he been on porn sites chatting with other women? How many women does he chat with? Has he had sex with any of them? My world came to a close. The only thing I could say was, How dare you”.

I don’t know this man. I don’t understand his thinking. He says he loves me, wants me, my son, and him to be a family. He reminds me how he loves our sex. He tells me how beautiful I am. Then why!? Why go elsewhere!? It’s just flirting? That’s cheating! Had the shoe been on the other foot he’d be at my throat. Why!? I cook. I clean. I work. I take care of our son. I’m smart. I’m fun. I have a beautiful curvy body. I don’t get it. I never will.

He looks away. Im thinking what the fuck are you looking away in disgust for!? I’m the one sick to my stomach now. “I have a problem” he says. I don’t know how to process that statement. You have a problem cheating? You’re incapable of compassion, respect, and love? Your dick won’t allow you to be faithful? I don’t understand. His family adores me. They already call me their Daughter in Law. How and why could he shit all over everything we were trying to build together?

So I left. I pack up my clothes and our son and our sons toys and I hit the road. 8 hours I drove from Ohio to Tennessee to stay with my parents. Juggling my anger and my sadness I actually felt bad for him. Maybe he does have a problem. How is that fixable? With all of the sex and half naked skanks running around this world how can any man with a sex addiction find peace? Porn is just a click away. Hell, I can scroll on Facebook and see ass and titties on a regular basis. If he got treatment could he remain faithful?

I’m scared. I’m fine alone. I can work and raise our son and the child on the way. I’m capable of pulling my shit together and holding down the fort. I’m just afraid that he will claim he is better, I’ll give in so we can be that Family I’ve been praying for, and I’ll find everything I mentioned above or worse.

Im confused. How do I approach this situation? I want to punch his face in but I feel so sorry for him. I too suffered a addiction to alcohol. I’m fine now. I don’t even need a drink. I have no desire to do so but I know how I feel when I see a beer bottle or glass of wine. My mouth waters. Who’s to say he won’t see a hot half naked Mexican chick and it won’t send him into relapse?

I’m determined. Although he’s 8 hours away going to church meetings specifically for addiction 3 times a week I don’t feel it’s enough. So I read. I read how to help him, what his chances of relapse are, how can I be supportive of his recovery? I want to help.

I love him. Maybe it’s because I see him in my Sons eyes everyday. We did everything together. Although he can be a jerk he was my jerk. Now he’s sick. What kind of person would I be to turn my back on someone I thought I would marry one day? So I’m going all in. Risking my heart once again for this man with expectation that he gets better. The only difference is that I won’t be putting my life second to him. I’ll be living, working, going to school, and raising these children. I won’t be so sad to leave again.