The message in church was pretty loud and clear. Its odd this message stood out enough for me seeing as though I pray so much during church I dont pay attention. Todays message was to always have faith in God even when you’re at your lowest point and he will lead you into victory. I believe this is true.

A few months ago I began praying constantly every day all day long. I’d say prayers while working. I’d pray while driving. I learned how to be patient with God which is odd because I have no patience what so ever with anything or anyone. I believed that with each prayer he heard my words and felt how serious they are too me. He may not have answered them all but he answered one that would atleast set a foundation for the other prayers to build on. I receieved that blessing one day. I couldn’t have been happier! I’d accomplished something that I’d worked and prayed so hard for. My parents were happy for me, the wage was perfect enough for me to start paying off debts, support my family, and still live! I was ecstatic.

As quick as I receieved that blessing I ended up losing it even though I worked so hard to keep it. With the loss of that gift, I lost quite a few other things in my life. I guess im being modest when I say quite a few other things. I am a 34 year old nonfunctioning adult with no car, no house, no job, no insurance, and I gained enough debt to financially screw myself for a long time. It’s enough debt that only the lottery could fix.

Currently, my life fits into a suitcase. One can imagine how devistating this can be all while raising a 2 year old. Yet even with all of this loss I am still given tiny blessings along the way from my God. So I’m ok. I’m not the happiest, I’m not comfortable, it’s putting strain on my relationship and the way I view myself personally, but I’m ok. Yes it sucks that I am where I am but it could be much worse. For this reason I keep my faith that God will see me through yet another horrible situation. The little signs he’s given me thus far are enough to keep me going. They are enough to let me know he hasn’t abandoned me and that I should not abandon him.

Throughout this ordeal God blessed me with unparalleled strength that I know if not for him by my side I wouldn’t have made it this far. He sent amazing people into my life to speak strength into me and hold me up when I felt I could no longer go on.

I have my days where I still want to give up. Days where I just cry sporadically. The days when you wake up and hate the sight of anyone. The days where I would wear my brain into a headache trying to figure a way out of this dizzying spiral before the flush ends. The days where I beat myself up for not taking the time to be my own cheerleader instead of everyone elses. The days where I hate myself for just not listening to those that tried so hard to steer me into the right direction. Those sad days where I scream internally for not having the patience to struggle now for the reward later. The disappointing days where I go over every single fiber of a mistake I have ever made in my life and still try to figure them out. Those gut wrenching days where I sit and look at my son and wonder if I’ll ever pull us out of this mess so he can have a normal childhood. All of the days of sadness, depression, and guilt but I end them all by thanking my God for allowing me to see each day. It’s my path. He chose it specifically for me because he has a plan. Who am I to think otherwise? I mean, he’d done it for me before so why not again? So I continue to pray for his guidance. I thank him everyday for giving me what I need and not what I want. I pray everyday just to let him know I’m still here with my faith in him unwavering. I’m waiting patiently for my victory.