I have a recurrent dream.
It consists of variations on a theme, but there's always guaranteed to be some sort of tower - sometimes made of bricks, sometimes out of metal.
The tower in these dreams is incredibly unstable - it wobbles and bends with the slightest movement. The brick version is like Rapunzel’s tower, but the bricks are all loose and wobbly and the whole structure undulates like one of those inflatable men at used car dealerships.
The metallic structures might as well be made of aluminium - somehow magically strong enough to hold my weight but not steady enough to allow for much movement.
I wouldn’t describe myself as someone with a fear of heights. I love rollercoasters and climbing frames but unlike my dream towers they generally feel strong, stable and pose no immediate threat to my life.
Even thinking back to these dreams, I can vividly recall the somersault feeling in my stomach as I rapidly drop towards the earth - still futilely clinging on to the tower for dear life.
It’s nice in a way, like a sustained version of the feeling you get travelling fast in a car over a small hill. Or the mad spins when you lie down after one too many, testing to see how much you can get swept away without losing yourself or needing to vom everywhere.
In the dream I usually end up having to climb the tower, even though climbing it means either falling or precariously balancing at the top. Sometimes I'm already mid-way through my ascent at the start of the dream.
But what does it mean?
Not to get all armchair psychiatrist on you, but I’ve been thinking a lot about what these dreams might mean. In real life, I like to have a solid structure or foundation. I don’t like unpredictability and I’m not very good with sudden change.
These towers have no solidity or reliability. Maybe this is my brain testing out those inevitable circumstances over which I will have no control, encouraging me to lean into it.
Last night, I wasn’t climbing. I was watching a group of acrobats scale one of the metal towers. They were so fluid and were using the movement of the structure as part of their routine, just going with it. They knew it was going to bend under their weight but that was all part of the show, Cirque du Soleil style.
I turned to the person next to me and said incredulously, “I have a recurrent dream just like this.”
To bring it back to roller derby, it’s pretty telling that in this dream I was watching others climb the tower. Having experienced a recent setback it captures that feeling of being on the outside looking in.
The tower in this specific dream represents ambition and how physically demanding it can be. Even if you make it to the top, it’s a constant battle to stay there.