The Lost Years
When I look back at the last decade of my life, I can’t help but think, “How many years have I lost because of migraines?” I turn 30 this year and it devastates me when I think about how much of my twenties were wasted in bed and in intense pain. I know I shouldn’t think “what if,” but it’s hard not to think that I might have accomplished so much more by now had I not had time taken away from me.
I cannot recall a day, or even the exact year, that it went from “this sucks” to “I guess this is just my life now.” However, the migraines grew worse and worse every year and truly hit their peak after a concussion in the spring of 2017. People always tried to offer up home remedies or what worked for them, and I found it incredibly frustrating. It felt as if they thought I didn’t try things to make myself feel better. The thing is, my migraines prevailed no matter what OTC or even prescription medication I tried. I tried essential oils, ice packs, a heating pad, Epsom salt baths — you name it, I tried it. Nothing worked.
I grew tired of people not being surprised when I’d have to reschedule or cancel plans. I didn’t want to cancel anything, but I wasn’t in control — my migraines were. I reached a point where in any given month, I would have more days with a migraine than without one because a single migraine never lasted less than 24 hours. I felt defeated when people wanted to plan things with me because I would immediately think, “Will I actually get to do this?” As a result, I stopped making plans. I tried to cover the real issue by telling people, “I’m just spontaneous like that!”
Even on days that I didn’t have a migraine, I would still wake up with a headache. Sometimes it would clear up and I could go about my day, but most days I wasn’t so lucky. Those who weren’t frustrated with me pitied me, which felt even worse. I didn’t want pity, I wanted a cure. I had been to several doctors in the Chicago and Boston areas, and they just didn’t seem to care enough to help. They’d tell me to take the very medications I already said didn’t work. I even ended up at urgent care after day three of a migraine and was given intravenous medications, and it still didn’t work. At that point, I figured that there just wasn’t a cure. I mean, if being hooked up to an IV didn’t do the trick, what possibly could?
In January 2019, I decided to give it another shot and made an appointment with my newly established primary care physician in Portsmouth, NH. She was so kind and empathetic that I felt like she would truly try to tackle this. She sent me home with a new prescription of Sumatriptan Nasal Spray, which I hadn’t tried before, and sent in a referral to a local neurologist. As luck would have it, a migraine struck that afternoon after my appointment with her and I tried the Sumatriptan. It was then that I learned that my migraines could get even worse. Not only was my head throbbing, but now my nose was too and all I could do was cry. Another attempt, another loss for me.
A week later, I was able to get in to the neurology clinic. The gentleman my appointment was with was just as kind and warm as my primary care physician, which immediately put me at ease. He explained to me how little is known about migraines and how treatment is often a lot of trial and error. He listed a few of the options, and we settled on having me try Amitriptyline. I started taking it that night, and the following morning was the first morning, in what felt like forever, that I didn’t have a headache. I was almost in tears because for the first time, I felt hope. I felt like it might actually be possible to live a full life going forward.
A couple weeks later, I got a migraine. However, it wasn’t as severe as what I was used to. My dosage was then increased, and I went back to feeling great again. Since starting Amitriptyline in February, and today being May 9th, I have had a total of three migraines (and each one led to a small dosage increase). That is a very small fraction of what I am used to in a matter of three months. Now, when people ask me, “How have the migraines been?” I can confidently tell them that they’re doing fairly good. I have been able to stay focused on my work and creative endeavors, and I am truly proud of the work I have been able to put out since finding relief from migraines.
It’s hard to not focus on the time lost, rather than the time I will now have going forward, but it’s important that I refocus my energy on what I now can do. It took me about ten years, but at least I have hope now — I have the present and the future to show the world what I can do.
I will leave you with this, an illustration of my battle with migraines, “It Gets Better”:
