Assumption Vs. Reality

Steph Slack
Jul 23, 2017 · 4 min read
Image courtesy of Unsplash

This week, we lost Linkin Park’s front man, Chester Bennington, who took his life on Thursday aged 41. The same date as Chris Cornell’s birthday — another star who died by suicide last year.

His death has been widely reported in the media, with speculation around the reasons for his death, including how deeply impacted he was by Chris Cornell’s death. And most notably how he seemed like he was in ‘a good place’.

Two observations I have made on the reaction to his death have sparked me to write this blog…

Firstly, that it seems for the (male) suicide conversation to reach mainstream media it takes a celebrity to decide to take their own life. And this doesn’t necessarily just apply to suicide but also other taboo topics we haven’t quite figured out how to talk about.

And secondly, that we have a lot to learn here about the assumptions we make of how people are doing and the reality they are actually living in.

Let me explain…

Every day, 13 men take their lives in the UK — that’s roughly one every two hours.

Every two hours someone chooses to kill themselves.

These are our brothers, fathers, uncles, boyfriends, husbands, sons, grandparents. These are our family and friends. They have names, and lives and jobs and they’ve impacted our lives in different ways. And yet we don’t hear about them — no-one talks about them.

And of course we would hear about celebrity deaths regardless of the cause, they are public figures and every facet of their life is reported in the media, including their death. But I’m always reminded each time we hear that a celebrity has died by suicide, and see the subsequent outpouring of compassion and love from fans, that they are just one of the 13 that has died by suicide that day.

Each day people are making the choice to take their own life. A choice that they (and arguably we) possibly have far more control over than a the treatment or prevention of many terminal diseases. And yet we really aren’t doing much about it. Support exists for those at crisis point — but it’s under resourced and hard to find. There are very few places that provide tailored and intensive crisis support for free. Maytree is one of them. And we sure as hell aren’t teaching the tools and skills to prevent people from reaching crisis point in the first place. I just don’t understand why no-one is looking at the preventative end of the spectrum.

I believe one of the (many) keys to this is around becoming far more honest and open in our conversations and teaching ourselves to understand our own emotions. We can only support others and recognise signs of distress in others when we first have a thoroughly good understanding of ourselves. And are therefore able to have the language to promote a conversation and to probe and ask how someone is really doing. Instead of just taking their answer of: “I’m fine” at face value.

How often do you answer: “I’m good” when someone asks how you are. It’s a default. We don’t even stop to think about it. And it feeds into this misconception we all seem to have that everyone else’s lives are so much better than our own (not always helped by social media). That others are smashing it, doing great, so happy, in a good place… When actually we are all struggling with something most of the time. We are all feeling fear, guilt, shame, frustration, anger, sadness about something (just watch BBC Three’s latest campaign around male suicide). But we don’t talk about that… And we’re left feeling like we’re the only ones going through a bad time, or feeling like we don’t want to bring the mood down, or ruin the vibe.

But here’s the thing, as soon as we talk about how we’re really feeling, what’s really going on for us and how we’re struggling, we give others permission to do the same. To open up.

Showing vulnerability is the most courageous thing we can do, and the most powerful.

I can’t pretend I have any of the answers to try to help reduce these shocking statistics, but I do believe talking is the first step, and education absolutely critical. Until we learn to value our own emotions and understanding those of others as highly as we value getting a A* in English, Science and Maths then I don’t see change happening very quickly.

So here’s my wish for today: the next time you ask someone how they are and they say: “I’m fine”, ask them again and ask them if they really are okay. Because you just might make a massive difference to them that day.

If you’ve been affected by anything you’ve read in this blog, you can reach out to Samaritans (116 123) who operate a 24-hour service available every day of the year. CALM also operates a helpline specificlaly for men in crisis: 0800 58 58 58.

Steph Slack

Written by

Philosopher at heart. I write to challenge assumptions. My writing might leave you with more questions than answers. hellostephslack.com

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