Dirty Deeds, Done Trump Cheap
This Weak in Politics, Volume 161
December 13, 2018
It’s Christmas-party time in the White House and everyone’s indicted!
Well not everyone. At least not yet. But they will be. Yule see (see what we did there with the Christmas thing and all?).
The latest Trump associate to get a lump of coal in his prison stocking was Michael Cohen, aka “The only Trump lawyer who might be even worse at lawyering than Rudy Giuliani.” We actually do feel for Cohen, so we decided to sing a song about his situation. View/hear it here at your own risk.
So far we have pre-Christmas jail sentences for the president’s fixer (which we have all somehow come to accept as a normal job title), Michael Cohen, his advisor, campaignChair, friend, and tenant, Paul Manafort, and a member of his foreign policy advisory board, George Papasomethingorother. Indicted but without prison sentences so far are his National Security Advisor, Michael Flynn, his deputy campaign chair, Rick Gates, and his longtime political advisor, Roger Stone, among others. Un-indicted co-conspirators include the jolly fat man himself.
Cohen, who was once a loyal soldier in the president’s crime syndicate, has gone all-in on cooperating with authorities and has been very vocal about his experiences with candidate Trump, President-Elect Trump, and President Trump. No word yet on how open and vocal he will be about federal inmate Trump, but we suspect we’ll know that answer in due time.
Cohen claims that not only did he make the $150,000 hush payments to Stormy Daniels, aka “Stormy Daniels,” but he did so under the direction of Donald Trump. He added that he was weak for carrying out Trump’s “dirty deeds.”
(Note: As we were preparing this issue, a friend…ok fine, an associate…suggested that old people might not get the AC/DC references. We agreed at first until we realized we ARE the old people — it is the young people who might not get the AC/DC references. We would explain it to them, but we decided it would be very difficult to explain that we once thought the coolest thing in the world was a band featuring a man dressed as a small school boy running around the stage as though he were having a seizure while performing a song about having big balls. We digress.)
Back to the scandal du-week: Republicans argued that there is nothing wrong with lying about sex, lying about lying about sex, ordering associates to committee felony campaign finance violations, and setting up shell corporations to pay porn stars to not talk about the affair a candidate had while his wife was at home with his months old son, as it could have cost the candidate the election. Besides, at that point Russia and Saudi Arabia were already so heavily invested in the campaign that failure was not an option. None of this is a big deal. Because family values, guns, Jesus, Benghazi, and her emails.
Meanwhile, Roger Stone, implicated in numerous investigations and thus fearing prison, showed a brave face by refusing to cave to the pressure and testify against Trump — earning him the praise of the president, and just possibly a pardon. Always hedging his bets, though, Stone also began sucking up to non-Trump, possible future pardoners.
We are sorry. That was a crude and inappropriate joke and we apologize for demeaning the Vice President. Here is the actual photo of Pence attending the Nancy Pelosi show at the White House.
In other news, it was announced this week that a corrupt Trump official would be leaving at the end of the year. No, not Wilbur Ross. No, not Tom Price, he’s already gone, as is Scott Pruitt. And no, not Steve Mnuchin. Before you even say it, it’s also not Betsy DeVos, Alex Azar, or Sonny Perdue either. All of their scandals aren’t scheduled to make news until Democrats take the reins of Congress. Duh.
No, this time it is Ryan Zinke, who, now that we think about it, looks an awful lot like a man dressed as a small school boy running around the stage as though he were having a seizure while performing a song about having big balls.
Zinke, it now seems, can easily be labeled the most corrupt Trump administration cabinet official in weeks.
This seems like an apt time to remind everyone that, somehow, some way, Rick Perry to this day remains an un-indicted co-cabinet member.
As for other staff changes in the administration, the president has settled on a new Chief of Staff since the artist formerly known as General Kelly has departed the stage.
Filling the position was not an easy task, as the president publicly flirted with Nick Ayers, Newt Gingrich, Mick Mulvaney, Mark Meadows, Chris Christie, Ivanka Trump, his African American from campaign rallies, that guy with the sign at the thing in West Virginia, acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker, David Bossie, Jose Canseco, Doctor Ronnie Jackson, Dog the Bounty Hunter, and others. Even Rick Santorum took himself out of the running, despite no one asking. He was in fact one of only 11 Christian, white males in Pennsylvania who wasn’t offered the job.
Finally, the president went back to Mick Mulvaney who, at the end of the day, had the single most important qualification for the job — he was dumb enough to take it.
So sure enough, Mick “Bianca” Mulvaney has been named acting Chief of Staff. The use of the term “acting” by prominent Trump officials is a term of art, or “term de art” as the French would say. It means, in their view, that it gives them the option to say while plea bargaining with prosecutors, “I was only acting as an administration official.”
Ironically, the only person in the Trump orbit who has never been accused of acting is Scott Baio.
Mulvaney is also the “acting” administrator of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, or CBGB, and he is the Director of the Office of Management and Budget, or OMG. The title Acting Chief of Staff formally gives Mulvaney a third job in the federal government at which he can suck.
And finally, on the lying, fake news media front, Mika Brzezinski got in some hot water this week when she described Secretary of State and Trump errand boy Mike Pompeo as Trump’s “butt boy.” Hearing Pompeo referred to as Trump’s butt boy seems to have offended many who do not believe Pompeo is Trump’s butt boy. Even Trump himself seemed bothered by the reference to Pompeo as Trump’s butt boy. As such, we urge everyone to refrain from referring to Pompeo as Trump’s butt boy. It would be awful, for example, if people Googled “Is Pompeo Trump’s butt boy” so often that Google’s algorithm thus began “thinking” of Mike Pompeo as Trump’s butt boy. So don’t do it. And by “it” we mean “Google ‘Is Pompeo Trump’s butt boy?’ ”
And that’s the way the weak spent the week in a nation where over 240 years ago, brave patriots stared down tyranny, banded together, and defeated a superior force — and yet today, modern patriots can’t even band together to defeat the Ryan Tannehill led Miami Dolphins.
Why the f@&% was Gronk on the field anyway? General Washington didn’t have Ben Franklin on the field at Yorktown, even though he was on the roster. Franklin and Gronkowski are both great guys, but arguably not the most agile in those situations.
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