O Mueller, Where Art Thou

This Weak in Politics, Vol. 159

November 29, 2018

Special Counsel Robert Mueller, who sat quietly with a Bill Belichick-like focus and silence through the Thanksgiving holiday, reemerged this week. The former FBI head got an additional guilty plea out of former Trump fixer, Michael Cohen, and also filed charges against Paul “The Ostrich” Manafort, aka inmate # 45343.

Mueller’s task is no easy one. He needs to be able to prove that Manafort is lying about Trump’s lying, and simultaneously, that Cohen, who is a liar, is telling the truth about his lying, to match Trump’s lying. Meanwhile, liar Rudy Giuliani, or some other member of the president’s “legal” team, has been getting information from Manafort about the nature of Mueller’s questions. Thus, Mueller likely allowed Manafort, a known liar, to lie about Trump’s lying, in order to catch Trump lying. Here’s Manafort himself (in a different striped suit from the one he currently wears) summarizing all of these conflicting statements.

The point in question this time is that Cohen has pleaded guilty to lying about the extent of Trump’s connections to Russia and Cohen’s own interactions with high ranking Russians. Cohen said he lied in order to match the president’s political messaging and public statements. We are not sure, but we have reason to believe this is the first time in history that a president’s fixer, after admitting to setting up a sham corporation to pay off the president’s porn star mistress, has gone the extra step and also admitted he lied to congress to make his statements match the president’s lies.

But her e-mails!

Yes, this is an oldie but goodie. Note: The faces have changed to accommodate the guilty, as this piece is from our January 11th issue.

Trump argues that everyone knew he had a Trump Tower deal in the works with Moscow. Apparently the eleven times he said he had “nothing to do with Russia” were instances in which we were supposed to take him literally, not seriously. He added this gem for good measure: “I was allowed to do whatever I wanted during the campaign.” Legal scholars say this is neither a guilty plea, nor a not guilty plea, but rather a “fuck off, I’m the president” plea.

In other news, racist and appointed SenatorCindy Hyde Smith was elected to the United States Senate from Mississippi, because, as the old saying goes, “Mississippi’s gonna Mississippi.”

Hyde Smith was previously most famous for being the hapless drunkard/cowboy in every western you’ve ever seen, until Governor Phil “Wayne” Bryant appointed her to a seat vacated by Thad “Wayne” Cochran.

Senator Hyde Smith

Hyde Smith prevailed this week in a runoff election against former Agriculture Secretary Mike Espy, who gave the senator a more spirited campaign than some had anticipated. Hyde Smith was beset by allegations of racism, based primarily on…her racism. Following the first round of the election, in which both she and Espy moved on to the runoff, Hyde Smith had to make drastic changes to her campaign, reconstructing it completely. She assured everyone, however, that she would immediately go back to her old style. “Things were just better before reconstruction,” she added.

The junior senator from Mississippi said she doesn’t understand how anyone could take her casual joke about attending public hangings in Mississippi (while running against a black man) in a negative way. She struggled to understand how anyone could possibly see her as having out of the mainstream views, saying, “Maybe it is my bluntness. I mean, I call a spade a spade. But I can handle it. That’s just my cross to burn.”

The senator also said she remained confident, even as polls were tightening. 
“I watch the numbers. And I knew we were going to win, even as Espy was getting all uppity in the polls.” Adding, “I mean, during the first round, there were four candidates, so some people had no idea who to vote for. They were like ‘eeny meeny miny moe, catch a n…” at which point a staffer cut her off, and reminded her they had a celebratory dinner with local Republican county chairs at Sambo’s.

In other election news, the Democrats continued to gain more seats in the House, as the ripples of the blue wave continue to trickle in. Most notably, California, which incidentally has been one of the leading states in terms of legalizing pot, is still counting votes from the election that occurred three weeks ago. That being said, by law, the state must complete the counting of ballots just as soon as it finishes off that last bag of Doritos.

And finally, the White House has officially kicked off the Christmas season by a) anointing Trump “the man who brought Christmas back to America,” b) declaring victory in the war on Christmas, and c) allowing the first lady to unveil her, ummm….decorations.

The First Lady’s “Christmas” decorations were roundly criticized, though the White House says this is because the display was misinterpreted by the lying, fake news media. They assert the display was actually a nod to people of the Jewish faith called “FLOTUS Parting the Red Trees.”

That was a little unfair, as was the bulk of the criticisms of the decorations. The photo the press pool released, for example, was taken before the trees were decorated. They became much more festive and less, well…bloody, once decorated by visiting dignitaries. Here, for example, is the aforementioned Senator Cindy Hyde Smith adding a decorative touch to the White House display.

Hyde Smith decorating the White House tree with what she describes as “traditional Mississippi Christmas ornaments.”

Even Senator Lindsey Graham joined in the festivities immediately following Senator Hyde Smith.

Senator Graham added several ornaments, including his treasured Liza Minnelli ornament, to the White House Christmas tree

And that’s the way the weak spent the week in a nation where the president’s lawyer, campaign chair, national security advisor, longtime confidante, and several campaign staffers have been convicted of felonies, with the bulk of the cabinet not all that far behind — and yet the administration claims they’ve drained the swamp, and some believe them.

Oh well, Mississippi’s gonna Mississippi.

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