This Weak in The GOP Vol. 13

March 3, 2016

(EDITOR’S WARNING): This column tries to accurately reflect the state of the Republican race during the past week. As such, this week’s will contain violence, name-calling, incontinence, penis shaming, and general poo flinging. Sensitive readers can find more accurate analysis of each of the candidates by clicking here, while Republican readers, for a variety of reasons, may find this link useful.

As a refresher on how we got here, in the aftermath of Mitt Romney’s 2012 loss, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said he was going to put Republican voters in charge of their nominating process, thus ensuring that the best candidate would get nominated and the party could avert another circus-like primary season. Mission Accomplished. Heckuvajob, Priebie.

The result of Republican voters being in charge is that the apparent “best candidate” in the alleged non-circus-like primary season is the thousand-ton elephturd, Donald Trump, who prefers to go by the name “Mr. Trump.” It has been a busy week for “Mr. Trump,” who has in recent days won the endorsements of racist, anti-Semitic Holocaust Denier Jean Marie Le Pen, retired Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke, bridge-traffic bathplug Chris Christie, Senator Jeff Sessions and pop star Aaron Carter.

When asked to reject his most recent offensive endorsement (the Klan one, not Aaron Carter) Trump refused. He later blamed it on a bad earpiece. Speaking of ear pieces, can Mike Tyson’s endorsement of Trump be far behind?

This week Trump won 7 out of 11 Super Tuesday contests, and thus 10 out of the 15 states that have voted. Trump, whom voters love for his plain speaking, his populism and his tireless standing up for the little guy, celebrated his Super Tuesday wins by holding a press conference in the grand ballroom of his Florida vacation home where he had a depressed or heavily sedated sitting governor serve as his house boy.

Speaking of depressed boys in Florida, the candidate whom esteemed GOP leaders believe is the most serious alternative to Trump, Marco Rubio, continued his uniquely impressive streak of not winning. Despite declaring many moral victories and citing the history he is making, Rubio is now 1-14 this cycle. This means he is demonstrably worse than the Cleveland Browns — ironic considering that the convention at which he will not be nominated will also be held in Cleveland later this year.

In order to earn that 1–14 record, this ideological thought-leader and already-determined future of the Republican Party, spent the week mocking Trump’s spelling (both the accurate and inaccurate spellings) and suggesting that his chief rival has a messed-up orange face, wears cheap ties and may have peed himself. He also suggested that the frontrunner has small hands, hinting that it is likely he also has small genitalia.

Speaking of diminutive pricks, Ted Cruz, a man who actually causes people to find Trump inoffensive by comparison, won three additional states on Tuesday — Alaska, Texas and Oklahoma — states whose esteemed electorates have also given us Sarah Palin, Rick Perry and…I can’t think of the third one. Oops. But I can see it from my house.

Cruz, the creepiest Canadian not named Robin Thicke (and in a tie with Ted Nugent for creepiest “Ted” not named Bundy,) appears to have gotten Lindsey Graham to switch teams (no, not THAT team) this week. Graham, who previously said “if you killed Senator Cruz on the floor of the Senate and the trial were in the Senate, they wouldn’t convict you,” gave as heartfelt and ringing of an endorsement of Cruz as we have heard yet, to wit, and we quote: “Ted and I are in the same party.” Dial it down, a little Lindsey, dial it down.

This week also saw a sort-of-departure from the Republican field. Ben Carson issued a characteristically unclear (how does one mumble incoherently even in writing?) statement hinting at withdrawal in the aftermath of Super Tuesday. In it, it is believed the retired Neurosurgeon (scary no matter how many times you see that written out) says he does “not see a path forward” for the nomination. Inexplicably the release was dated 2016, years after all other sentient beings had already arrived at that same conclusion.

The upside to Carson dropping out? This will give Gov. John Kasich much needed momentum, allowing him to finally start finishing in the top 4.

The downside from Carson’s departure is that our grouping of “candidates who definitely WILL NOT be the nominee” was this week going to be named “Governor Ben Carsick.” Now we can’t use the name Governor Ben Carsick no matter how badly we’d like to use the name Governor Ben Carsick. Thus the pathetic Governor who is still fumbling his way across the country, spending money and losing, all the while blissfully ignorant of the realities that surround him, will heretofore be known by the apt moniker “Jeb!”

And finally, some breaking news: during the writing of this column it has been reported that on Thursday, former GOP Nominee Mitt Romney will deliver a “major address” about the state of the election while in Utah. It is widely anticipated that he will call on his fellow Republicans to reject Donald Trump (who has already earned 46.9% of the delegates needed for the nomination.) If accurate, this will mark the second time in Romney’s career that he has told 47% of an electorate to go f#$k themselves.