If Dave Barry & Dennis Miller had a child, & that child had one of those monkeys who could type, its writing would still be funnier and more coherent than this.

Apr 27, 2016

This Weak in The GOP Vol. XXI

April 28, 2016

Ted Cruz and John Kasich (R-Incompetent)

This week, two candidates who are tied for last in a three-man race for the Republican nomination, decided to team up in an attempt to stop Donald Trump.

Governor John Kasich (sp?) was to ask his tens of supporters to vote for Senator Ted Cruz while Cruz was going to ask his freakflock to vote for Kasich. At least that’s what they agreed to.

Or maybe it was that they weren’t going to campaign in states in which the other was poised to get slightly less crushed. The deal appears to have lasted about 6 minutes before completely imploding. The two-car parade they were arranging, and ultimately screwed up, was apparently aimed at blocking Trump, though the net effect is likely to be that rather than winning each of those states by a dozen, he’ll probably just win them by 12.

The detente* had an immediate impact on the race as Trump went from “Republican frontrunner” to “presumptive Republican nominee” within 48 hours of the announcement.

For his part, Senator Cruz brags on the stump that he “led the fight against Obamacare” (which became law and has survived, at last count, 1,436 attempts at repeal.) He can now add “led the fight to stop Donald Trump from getting the nomination before, during and after Trump got the nomination” to his already impressive record of non-accomplishments. Apparently this Texan really does remember the Alamo.

A month ago Cruz declared the GOP primary a two-person race then proceeded to finish third in five out of the last six races. As such, he decided to abide by the old adage, “if you can’t beat ‘em…do something completely batshit crazy,” and announced Carly Palin-Fiorina as his running mate, despite not being the nominee. This is roughly the equivalent of Johnny Manziel picking which cleats he will wear in this year’s Super Bowl. And then settling on two left slippers.

While it may seem early to be throwing a Hail-Carly, the pick does do three very distinct things: it carves out a unique niche for Cruz — he is now, without question, the only person on the planet who is expecting something good to come from calling Hewlett Packard for help when things aren’t working right. It is also a historic first. Fiorina is officially the first female, failed printer company CEO, to be publicly announced as a running mate by a Canadian-American-Cuban senator “from” Texas who will not be his party’s nominee. And lastly, the move creates a formidable ticket. If you add Fiorina’s numbers to Cruz’s 30% nationally, the Texas Senator quickly moves to 28.74%.

As for Fiorina, she will be able to add “vice president” to her already impressive resume of things she failed to become — a list that also includes “governor,” “president,” “coherent” and “successful CEO.”

Bathroom Monitor Ted Cruz (R-Third stall on the left)

Finally on Cruz, the presumptive bronze medalist in this year’s presidential election also entered some familiar stomping grounds for GOP elected officials — public restrooms — by criticizing Donald Trump for joining with the bulk of the human race in not giving a shit who is giving a shit.

Trump, who had previously been “disgusted” by the idea of Hillary Clinton using the bathroom, is at least enlightened enough to not care where she or anyone else does the act.

John Kasich (Sp?) sticks in his pizza, the very fork meant for his presidential aspirations.

Speaking of number 2, that seems to be the new slot for John Kasich, alleged Governor of “Ohio.” Kasich continues to gain the attention of a lot of wistful republicans, what with his impressive record of winning a Rubio-esque 1/46th of the contests in which he has participated. Kasich, who was last seen in public in 1996, is on such a torrid pace as of late, that it is estimated he will be in a place to eclipse the delegate total of Marco Rubio, who dropped out over a month ago, sometime in late August.

And lest we forget, presumptive republican nominee Donald Trump showed off his foreign policy chops by giving a “major foreign policy speech” in which, according to his staff, he would not get into specifics. The general gist of Trump’s speech was that America will be great again, we will have a terrific military, funded beautifully and Mexico will pay for it…he guarantees it. He also incorrectly pronounced Tanzania. Perhaps Jeff Sessions (R-Alabamia) is having a greater impact as trump’s foreign policy advisor than had been previously believed.

Despite all the tumult, uncertainty and longing that characterizes the GOP contest, Speaker Paul Ryan continues to maintain he will not be a candidate for the Presidency. This is mixed news for the GOP because, while Ryan would make a strong presidential candidate, he is also earning high marks from his colleagues for his job in the House.

Ryan is the most popular Republican speaker of the House since Joe Martin (1947–1949 and 1953–1955), narrowly eclipsing John Boehner (resigned after allowing House to erupt in chaos), Dennis Hastert (serial child molester) and Newt Gingrich (who resigned following an ethics committee finding that he lied to the committee and skirted campaign finance and US tax laws).

And as for the Democrats/Socialists, this week changed nothing and yet absolutely everything. Hillary Clinton (motto: Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I‘m gonna eat some super-delegates) won 4 out of 5 states and all but sealed the nomination by defeating Bernie Sanders, who was mathematically eliminated from being the Democratic nominee in 1971.

And that was this week. Be sure to look for next week’s edition in which we will ponder the question “Hoosier choice for President?”

*Our use of the word “detente” is the only foreign word used in this edition, despite the promises made in last week’s special International Edition, as this is America, so we only speak and write in American. Besides, this is not the right milieu, if that is le mot juste, for such...je ne sais quoi. Foreign words will never be the forte of our oeuvre.

If you enjoy reading TWITGOP please seek help. But please also follow us, recommend this story, share it, and do all sorts of other things that the kids these days do.