The New Boyfriend

Steve Mullett
Jul 25, 2017 · 3 min read

Red pulled into a spot in the garage while his 18-year-old daughter Candi yammered on about her new boyfriend, whom he had yet to meet. So far he’d learned that the guy was a mechanic who lived down the road from them, which struck him as a bit odd since Candi was getting ready to go to college in the fall, but he sounded like a nice guy. He was getting ready to meet him for the first time, at a downtown restaurant, which also seemed a bit odd given that he lived down the road from them, but whatever. There are some great restaurants downtown, Red thought. There aren’t any great restaurants down the road.

“Oh, and he has an 8-year-old daughter,” Candi said.

“That’s nice,” Red said. “Wait, what? How old is this guy?”

“He’s 44,” she said.

“Hold up, you’re dating a guy almost my age? Holy crap, how do you have daddy issues? Didn’t I love you enough?”

“Of course you did, Dad,” she said. “I didn’t expect to get mixed up with a quadragenarian, it just kind of happened.”

“What did you say his name is?”

“Sheldon.”

“Sheldon? Wait a minute, are you telling me you’re dating Sheldon Hook?”

“Yes, that’s him! Do you know him?”

“Are you kidding? He was two years behind me in school! I used to call him stupid racist names because he was younger than I was and I was a dumb country hick who didn’t know any better! How did you meet Sheldon Hook? And how is it that he knows your last name is Fortune but didn’t ask you if he knew me? He does know your last name is Fortune, doesn’t he?”

“He should! He filled out my ticket at the garage.”

“Judas priest. Sheldon flipping Hook.”

They had arrived at the restaurant while they were talking, and there was Sheldon, looking way different from how he had looked the last time Red saw him. He had shaved his head and had a bushy little chin curtain. He also weighed about 250 pounds, without any visible fat.

“Red Fortune!” he exclaimed. “Red motherfucking Fortune! Who’s a monkey now, Red? Huh? Who’s a monkey now!”

Sheldon glared at Red in a manner that suggested he wasn’t joking around.

Red turned to Candi. “Run,” he said. “Run back to the car right now.”

“But Dad -”

“Run, Candi. Please. I’m your dad, and I’m telling you to run back to the car.”

“Relax, Red,” Sheldon said. “I’m not going to beat the shit out of you here at a restaurant. I’ll wait and follow you home. I know where you live, after all.”

Red stared into Sheldon’s eyes, looking for some sign of humanity, and finding none. Just then, Sheldon let out a hearty laugh and held out his right hand. “Jesus, Red, I’m just kidding. Come on, I got us a table.”

Sheldon gave Red a big bear hug around the neck. “I’m glad to see you, Red. I hope you’re not mad at me for deflowering your daughter.”

“Um … I didn’t know that, but …”

“You should probably go get her,” Sheldon said. “She ran back to the car.”

Red stared blankly at Sheldon for a moment.

“Dinner’s on me, Red,” Sheldon said. “Seriously. Go get Candi, and let’s have a nice dinner.”

Red wandered back to the car. “Wow. Sheldon flipping Hook,” he repeated. “Sheldon flipping Hook.”

Steve Mullett

Written by

I used to write for a living. Then I edited for a living. Now I engineer for a living. But I still know how to write, so what the heck. I’m writing.

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