The Suffocating Cycle
Over a year later…
Context for the Newcomers
This entire post will consist of my thoughts of my ex-boyfriend that completely flipped my world upside down three significant times, and the remnants of whatever feelings I still feel after the whole incident.
The first incident where I felt my world flip upside down was when we first met. I still have vivid memories of those days, I remember being forced to join him and another team member for a group project. Way back when, I was craving to have a diverse set of friends, and all I could think of was how much I despised being placed once again with a group of Asians. (no racism intended, I was craving some change). From that class on, I noticed how particularly different this guy was from most people I knew. Very clueless, but hardworking. He had huge aspirations to make Maplestory animations. He was the complete opposite of who I was. He, a person of great caliber, a strict upbringing and a dedicated person who did not trust that many people, while I, a sweetheart, instinctive and free individual who trusted all who came my way. He was coming from a very restrictive and troublesome past. Whereas I came from a past full of bad decisions and fear.
As time went on, my mischievous side ignited and I couldn’t help but observe his every behavior and my own. I realized that I enjoyed guiding him through experiences that he never witnessed, and had the thrill of simply accompanying him throughout the school. I think it hit me the most, the day when I realized that he had this look, that I could not evade. One of a person who had so much fire, but who seemed so lost. At that point, I attempted to terminate my friendship with him, in fear that I might end up doing something that I would regret forever.
The second incident occurred when Valentine’s Day of 2013 hit. WE were officially together since December 12, 2012. And, every day was an adventure at school. I helped him survive English courses, while he helped me survive Math courses. We were the dynamic duo, and my grades at the time kept peaking above 85 percent. However, all hell broke loose when he told his mother all about us, and he was forced to break up with me on V-Day. A whole speech about moving forward, and making a family tore my mindset apart. I never felt such a sharp numbing pain in my heart before, and I knew from then on, that a part of me had been completely lost that day. Almost as dark as when I initially started College.
The third incident occurred when he made the decision to go to a different University because of what his family suggested. I don’t have a problem with following parental guidance. It’s the behaviour afterwards that really got to me. It still haunts me to this day… I would constantly hear him get angry or upset that everyone went to my University and that no one went to the school he went to. I felt awful for him, however, I knew that this was essential. He made the decision and we both had to compromise at that point… And the University stress broke our trust and communication skills.
The final incident occurred on May 2015. On the day when I was supposed to avoid having any events, we got into a huge fight because I did not want anything special. The fight quickly escalated into blackmail received from his older brother, because he had stayed longer than he was supposed to on the night of the incident. And we were forced to break-up forever. No communication, no nothing. I was blamed for being the root cause of his dropping GPA, all the misery in their family and for being a horrible influence on him… I lost my sanity that day. I cried for months. I went insane and made even worse decisions. And before I knew it, I heard from him again, and he wanted us to try again, except this time, we’d have to run away all over again. I couldn’t do it, so I told him the one thing that would end it all, I don’t think I love you anymore… And from there on, I was finally able to set him free and be no longer the cause of his suffering. As he cursed at me, and called me a backstabber, I could only cry and hope he’d understand that this was to set him free.
I went through a series of misfortune, and have thought of suicide multiple times, but I could never go with it. I just didn’t feel that it was right.
I deserve to be loved. I am worthy of love… It hurts thinking about the last words he said.
I do lie. A lot.
I am not the best person out there. There will always be someone better.
I am difficult at times, but I always strive to improve.
I know that I’m very sensitive, but that’s part of the package when it comes to being with me.
Waking up day after day, in a different place.
All the bottles that were drunk.
All the dark thoughts that surfaced.
I couldn’t help but feel so cold and dead inside.
I felt so numb and alone.
I didn’t know where to go, who to trust and how to fix myself.
All I could do was smile, take a camera and make sure that people believed that I was okay.
I made sure that my friends knew that I cared about them and made sure that I was still me.
I held onto the things that I felt content with.
Being a loyal, trustworthy and friendly person.
Being the kuya that I neglected becoming.
Being the guy that people relied on.
Baby steps… That’s all I could do. Even if I broke down more than I should’ve, I knew that this was part of the burden of everything I went through. All I could remember were the memories of my last seconds in front of my ex.
“I’m sorry.” And then he left… You left. You didn’t even say goodbye. You didn’t even defend me. I didn’t defend myself.
The unbelievable shock that I felt kept returning and I kept yearning to be loved. Yearning for another chance at being someone’s reliable support.
Yearning for a love that didn’t feel stressful or confusing.
All I’ve ever asked from God and since the beginning of time… I just wanted to have someone that I could call my other half. Because my whole world still feels like it will always be against me, and as much as I love standing by myself… I always knew that I will become vulnerable and will need love to heal.
All I ever wanted… I just wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere or to someone. Not in terms of ownership, but in terms of feeling like I have an indefinite position in their life because they trusted me wholeheartedly.
As I listen to the one track that used to be for my ex and I, I can’t help but smile because the nightmare is almost over. All the drama, all the pain… It slowly disappears every day. You no longer have a grasp on my very soul. Our memories are slowly erased and my thoughts no longer fear you. You’ve become the stepping stone that I needed to learn valuable lessons.
I’m not sure where I’ll end up, I’m not sure how I’ll end up in the next few years. I’ve done the biggest reset that I did not see coming. I’ve become someone completely different ever since you broke me.
I just wish I could’ve said a proper goodbye and thank you.
“Practice is permanence.”
This one might stick to me for eternity.
Am I feeling better? A lot better than before.
I no longer want to succumb to the dark side that used to lay in my heart.
I no longer want to make the same mistakes.
I just want to embrace this new warmth that I feel in my heart.
The second chances that I begged for, came front and I am now being tested.
Let’s hope this time, I make it out in one piece.
For future reference, Steve of the future if you read this, please remember that you were never the antagonist to begin with. Fear devours you easily, please embrace who you’ve always been.
You always were…
A man of your word.
A guy who made up for his mistakes.
Someone who helped those who were down.
A guy who never got angry at petty things.
A sweetheart that people loved being around with.
A talented artist.
A man who was good with technology.
A fearless man.
A man who will remain committed for life.
A man of instinct.
A man of goodwill.
A man who was misunderstood.
A man of powerful influence on your loved ones.
A guy that anyone would be lucky to have.
A man who will always give people second chances.
A man who knows when the limits are being crossed.
A man of wit.
A man of great compassion.
A man of great obedience.
A servant of the Holy one.
A man with little pride.
A man who will always sacrifice himself before others. (Beware of this trait, for it has caused your downfall several times)
Overall, you are not a bad person. You are a relatively decent human being and, you need to remember to cherish that and share it with others.
I don’t know how many times I must emphasize this to you, but you have so much potential that you are afraid to grasp and ignite.
Take your time. ALWAYS.
And most importantly, be yourself.
No one has ever hated your for being who you are.
Don’t ever let the events of 2010–2015 hurt you ever again.
Your strength has succumbed through it and has peaked to new extremities that deserve exploration.
And most importantly, if you ever feel afraid or lost ever again, go and find your pictures. And flood yourself with lovely memories, and never forget how far you’ve come. Don’t give up.
I’d like to thank whoever took the time to read this post. It’s a summarized view and very vague explanation of how I’ve changed as a person. How I’ve gone from the dark days to the enlightened years ahead.
I sincerely hope that I will be able to contribute positively to this world from now on, and that my existence remains a positive one for most.
To whoever struggles with a dark past or have ever felt like they have gotten lost in the series of unfortunate events they had to deal with, I’d just like to say that life is not easy. You need to fight sometimes and you might end up struggling with your past for a very long time. However, it’s not always impossible.
It took me 6 years to overcome my problems, and now I’ve got the rest of the journey ahead to look forward to.