Having Children Will Break Your Heart….

There are some people who choose not to have children. They exist!! It is not because they are bad people. They aren’t lesser of people. They choose to keep their freedoms and live a singular life. That isn’t a bad thing, it isn’t a good thing, it just is.

I can honestly say I was never one of those people. From a very young age I knew I wanted children. I have 6 younger siblings and 3 step siblings and I did A LOT of babysitting growing up. I knew I wanted to be a father like I knew I wanted a drink of water. It never crossed my mind to not have children. I just always assumed I would be a dad and that was that.

I currently have two sons: Jude, my oldest and Ryder my youngest. Both children were planned, no surprises here. I wasn’t surprised by the cost of raising children. I wasn’t surprised by how fast they grow. I wasn’t surprised by the crying, mainly because my younger brother Johnny was such a ninny he cried all the time. I wasn’t surprised they were messy because my sister Tess could destroy a room in like 7 seconds. No, I have had a crash course in that by being the oldest of 7. I knew what I was getting myself into. I was, so I very much thought, prepared.

Yet, I wasn’t prepared for one simple thing. That thing? Pain. Not the physical pain mothers go through of course, because God loves me and gave me a penis. No, the emotional pain. You see, I very much loved my siblings. A lot. And, of course, I still do. But I could never see my siblings the way my mother did. I could change diapers. I could make bottles. I could feed children, I could bathe children, I could clothe children. But I had no idea the pain.

You see, as a parent, nothing could possibly prepare you for the very first time your child is sick and you can’t fix it. The very first time they are hurting and you cannot help them. You would take their pain in an instant if you could, yet, you cannot. You cannot explain looking at your child and feeling what you feel to anyone without one. You can’t explain this…love. And you cannot explain the pain you feel when you are laying in bed at night with the world going to absolute dog shit and there isn’t anything you can do. What can I do to prepare my child for the violent, angry, human beings that await them? How do I tell them everything is going to be ok when I have no clue if it really is? Do I lie? Do I scare them to hell and tell them the truth? When does their innocence run out? 10? 12? 16? 18? 30?!

I have been a dad for only 5 years. And in those 5 years I have only really learned one thing. That thing? Being a parent will break your heart.

I want to grab my children, wrap them in my arms and run away from everything that could ever hurt them in this world!! But I cant. And not for the reasons you would think. Because if I wanted to disappear with my children and live off the land I am perfectly capable. Poof. I would never been heard from again. But the truth is, I cannot just remove my children from the pain and heartache that awaits them. Why? Well, because this is their earth to inherit. And if I remove them from all the pain they see then they will never have a heart to change it. And we need children with empathy and kindness now more than ever. We need young people to fix our mistakes and be better human beings. We need our children to grow into the next generation of great leaders. I cannot remove my children from this world because I am hoping I raise them in a way they want to change it, not run from it.

So, with that being said, I finally understand the old saying “I love something so much it hurts”…..

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