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A MEDIUM EXCLUSIVE!!

Will GOD Inflict Wrath Upon Donald Trump? WE Ask an EXPERT!

Why hast thou forsaken us?

(Photo Illustration by Lyne Lucien/The Daily Beast)

So, after all the hilarious mail bombings by professional van-decorators,

and my own personal tribe (Jewish people) being, once again, hunted for sport (soon to be a MAJOR Holiday! Sadly…)

Amidst white people preventing black people from doing such things as waiting by their car for AAA or entering their own apartment buildings (and also preventing them from: voting, swimming, not swimming, standing, sitting, buying a house, barbecuing, attending Yale, and not being murdered).

All around me is hate

because when you tell angry children posing as adults it’s a-okay to act that way, then that’s what they DO!

NO American ‘president’ in recent memory or our living generation ever promoted hatred against other Americans publicly. That’s new.

Donald Trump invented it, like a mad scientist without the ‘scientist’ part. An idiot savant, sans the ‘savant’.

The worst part, my deeply cherished and adored readers, is knowing that it’s all around you too. This breaks my heart in ways you’ll never imagine.

I’ve NEVER been scared OF my fellow Americans my entire life… I am now.

I started to lose hope. I needed a new perspective.

I went to talk to GOD.

Due to some clever, diligent, investigative work, — the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Jacob Wohl’s Mom I tracked GOD down to Mount Horeb where there was a burning Bush (Jeb).

After waiting what seemed like FOREVER, I was finally granted this enlightening exchange. Sadly, the selfies I took with GOD didn’t come out, but now all the ringtones on my iPhone sound like angels singing, like what Brian Wilson heard in his head…

Me: Hey, Bernie. Get it… Burney? Because of the burning bush…

GOD: Hm, you’re still single… I can’t imagine why…

Me: So, what’s cooking? Get it? Because the bush is burning…

GOD: You know, when I made you I had them set the people-making-machine to “Idiot” just to test out the settings…

Me: Well, I’m flattered you thought of me, and it obviously worked. Anyway, how’re things by you? — It’s polite for me to ask before I tell you why I’m terrified and ask for your help.

GOD: Well, I’m really loving the Earth 2.0 thing I’m working on! I mean Earth 1.5 really sucks in comparison. WHAT a disappointment…

Me: Wait, 1.5?

GOD: You thought you were first? No, the Earth 1.0 project was all Cats, because they amuse me, a whole planet of them. Then 1.5 is where you’re from… and wow, we must have really given that idiot-setting a good workout judging from what’s going on there now…

Me: I blame gluten. Those who eat it go mad, and those that don’t, also go mad…

GOD: If… I wasn’t so disinterested I would issue a recall, some giant tsunami, or fire thing… but I’m just not into it. Oh, I’ll fire up some tornados and cataclysmic hurricanes, just to test the equipment, and no one even notices or cares, and then I lose interest… With E2-O,- that’s what I’M calling it,- everything is so COOL and easy. Really, Earth 1.5 is way overdue for termination. I think I’ll make it a parking lot for Earth 2.0’s vehicles…

Me: If you’re attempting to cheer me up, I’m not sure it’s working… Is there any way…

GOD: Remember World War 2? Remember Nazis? YOU GUYS BROUGHT THEM BACK! Honestly, WHO brings back NAZIS? You know, back in the 40’s, I rode it out in the sense of — ‘oh, let’s see what they do’. I PERSONALLY intervened and messed up Hitler’s nuclear program so all of you wouldn’t have to goose-step everywhere. Waste of time and resources…

I give you The Beatles, as a GIFT, and out of four of them — you murder one, and stab another in the head a dozen times…

Me: I’d like to point out I personally wasn’t involved in that…

GOD: There are already E2–O bands five times better than they were. What are YOU folks listening to these days? I’LL ask sarcastically…

Me: Four notes played on a computer with a guy or gal singing in auto-tune the words ‘baby, baby, baby, baby’ over and over…
…possibly forever, 
I’m not sure, none of us here on Earth One-Five have ever made through a recent song to the end…

GOD: You, my son, are living in an abandoned warehouse. Everyone there is a giant bag of dicks. You all hate and kill each other, and have extinguished the few lights I left you…

Me: Yeah, I know… But there are pockets of good people… and puppies. Think of the puppies! I can’t imagine a better argument for saving Earth than puppies! So, you know,… puppies! — And what, you’re going to be like Apple and just kill off everything old for a new one?

GOD: Yeah, I hate when they do that. Sigh. Fine. I‘LL make sure that justice prevails… and that the most evil and insane amongst you fall from power before they destroy your entire existence. Don’t ask me how or when.
— If you do, “I’D say what any decent poet would say if anyone dared ask him to analyze his work: if you see it, darling, then it’s there!”

Me: Freddie Mercury said that…

GOD: Oh, and who do you think told him to say it?

Written by Steven w. Rouach
swrouach@gmail.com