Mike Tomlin Anger Translator

There was a skit on the Show “Key and Pele” in which Obama uses an anger translator to communicate all the things Obama would really want to say to his critics. Today I’d like to act as Mike Tomlin’s Anger Translator. Let me be clear: I have no ongoing communication with Mike Tomlin in real life. He has not put me up to this in any way. These do not represent Mike Tomlin’s actual opinions. This is solely a hypothetical exercise to provide humor while making an easy and obvious point. So with that in mind, I present to you, the people of the greater Pittsburgh area and the world, some wise words from Mike Tomlin’s anger translator:

Have you all forgotten who the #&%! I am?

I hear you out there. I’ve got my ears to the street. You’re yelling about firing me. Me? Really? Even the Post Gazette writers are starting to throw out hot seat teasers like “I don’t agree with cheers to fire him, but…he’s got to be held accountable” Yes, please. Hold me accountable. Let’s go down memory lane and ACCOUNT for what I’ve done the past decade. You delusional fanatics need a refresher course. Clearly you’ve lost your minds and/or memories: In 9 seasons completed as head coach, I’ve gotten to the playoffs in 6 of those seasons. I have 6 seasons with 10 or more wins. Other than Bill Belichick, no coach has done better over the past decade. The Giants have one more Super Bowl, but Coughlin got kicked to the curb because he was terrible in any year they didn’t win it all. Other than Belichick no coach, NOT ONE, has more consistently brought their city winning teams that go to the playoffs and compete for championships. Maybe you say Pete Carroll? He’s winning over the past few years. He’s got to keep it up for 5 more years to get on my level. The same thing applies to Denver’s recent coaching success. So unless you can pull Belichick out from the golden blanket covered bed he sleeps in with Robert Kraft, who in God’s name would you replace me with???

You guys love Cowher, right? Clearly he was a much more successful coach than me, right?…Wrong! Of course Bill was a great coach, but if you think he’s THAT much better than me you’re not using logic and just thinking with your heart: Bill’s record in 15 years coaching was 161–99–1 total (regular season and playoffs) That’s a 61.9% win percentage. My overall record in 9 seasons is 98–57, winning 63.2% of games. In terms of the post-season, Bill made the playoffs the same percentage of the time that I did (6 in 9 years for me and 10 in 15 for him…66.7%) and I have an equal number of AFC championships (2) and Super Bowls (1) in less total years coached. So why are these fools questioning me and trying to light the grill under my coaching seat? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you’re overly nostalgic about the time before I arrived. Maybe it’s because im not a “tough football guy” like Cowher that yells, spits, screams, and gets really emotional (even though those types of coaches don’t do as well in this modern age…want to trade me for Mike Singletary?) Maybe 6 total super bowls and being so good for so long has you spoiled. Maybe it’s because I’m a young “player’s coach” Maybe I look a little…different…from Bill and you (oh race…touchy, can’t go there, can we?)

Honestly, I’m just throwing out wild guesses. I don’t know your irrational reasons for being wrong about me. I’m not a damn behavioral scientist or sociologist. I lead men to win football games. Oh wait, I know! It’s those 2-point conversions I’ve attempted so often recently. That’s what has you all worked up and carrying pitchforks. Now that I’ve explained history, I’ll go ahead and explain simple math. This isn’t difficult analytics: Successfully completing over 50% of 2 point tries adds up to more total points than 100% of 1 point tries. Thing is, we’re even better than 50% on 2 point tries. We were 8 of 11 last year (72.7%) on two point conversions. The 1 point try also isn’t guaranteed anymore due to the new distance (about a 95% success rate in the whole league). More total points on the season increase our chances of winning more games. Sorry the percentages didn’t work out last game. Sorry you started cursing my name. Sorry you were throwing your beers in anger, but when it works you cheer and don’t make a single complaint. Stop being a hypocrite. It’s easy and conventional to kick the extra point every time…and no one blames the coach if a kick misses. Here’s the thing: I’m willing to take your heat if and when the 2 point attempt fails because I know in the long run our team wins more games because of it. I’m that selfless and dedicated to winning…so give me a freaking break!

It’s ok to be upset. Shoot, I’m upset! But let’s not throw around ideas about firing ME, one of the ELITE coaches in the NFL. Yeah, I said it. “But what have you done for us lately Mike?” Oh I don’t know…how about get to the playoffs and win after having Ben out multiple games amongst a host of other injuries/setbacks. But hey, you might be right…if we had the best coach in the division, then our season would be going so much better…oh wait …I won AFC North Coach of the year LAST YEAR! And you want to fire me NOW???!!! Go ahead and try. You may have one solid year with some new energy (mixed with a healthy, suspension free, version of the offense I’ve built), but you’ll wind up in the dark ages like Tampa Bay after they fired my mentor, Tony Dungy. I’m sure I’ll quickly find another job like he did and win elsewhere… Look, I don’t want to make threats. I like it here. My family likes it here. I love our passionate fans. Y’all are driving me nuts right now, but Steeler Nation also helps us win. I know we’ve had a rough start this season. We aren’t performing up to your high expectations. I get that. I’m not oblivious to the nature of the job I signed up for either. This is a proud franchise with a culture of winning. If a few years go by and I have some losing seasons, then feel free to let me go. But for now I’ve earned the benefit of the doubt. So calm down and give me some time to figure out the conundrum that is our awful defense. Have a little faith. It’s ok to be mad Steeler Nation, but don’t give up hope…and don’t be stupid.

Dr. Stephen Spencer (Behavioral medicine is NOT my specialty), Unofficial Mike Tomlin Anger Translator and former Math major, Unapologetic and equally delusional Pittsburgh Sports Fanatic