The Troublesome Threes — Breaking Through Madness

Written by Stephanie “Stevie” Bethel

The last THREE years have been the worst of my life thus far.

2013 — The year of loss. In March, I lost my aunt Jan who also suffered from lupus. She understood me in a way no one has ever or ever will. Truly one of the most beautiful people to touch my life. Then in July I lost my grandfather Shearry. In my mind, my grandfather walked on water. He was the best person I’ve ever known or will ever know- to know him was to love him. Then on December 31 (New Years Eve) my daddy died. This is a deep profound hurt that you cannot understand if you have not lost a parent. My dad and I had our differences, many stupid fights I regret now too late. Through it all I always knew my dad loved me more than anything in the world. I know now too late that all he wanted was to keep me safe, in a bubble so I wouldn’t be hurt. I just wanted to grow up. Now I’m turning 37 tomorrow and I’d do anything to be my daddies little girl again, ANYTHING. He loved me in a way no one ever can or ever will. This I know with all certainty. Three hard deaths in one year all months apart. Life can be cruel and hard for no reason.

2014 — Enter the Madness. The beginning of that year we buried my dad and with him — my heart and mind. I knew then I’d miss him forever. At that time I entered into the deepest darkest scariest depression of my life. I lost family members I thought would never leave me especially in the worst moments of my life. Sometimes I felt like I was “surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends. I found myself further and further from my home. And I guess I lost my way.” My sanity was hanging by a very thin thread. I truly know what it feels like for your soul to ache, a pain so deep and true it never leaves you. I’ve seen friends lose children, a pain I can’t imagine and they handle it with a grace worthy of angels. I’ve seen people a lot sicker than me never give up and fought with dignity until their last breath. Oh why oh why couldn’t I?

2015 — Health decline — My health kicked my butt like never before. My kidneys declined and I found myself in renal failure with my kidneys functioning at less than 15 percent. I had to endure several hospital stays one of those lasting twenty days which followed a hospitalization a month earlier for eight days. I tried to keep a positive attitude but there were days when the self pity drowned me and I felt like I could not breathe. After two hellish years and into the third year I began to truly understood what the power of love could do. Some days my heart and body hurt so badly I couldn’t stand and it wasn’t worth it to me. Many days I lay on my couch lifeless wishing Dr. Phil would fix my life (still a dream). Fortunately I had people in my life who wouldn’t let me give up. Two of those being my mother and my best friend. My mom has always had and been a soft touch. Her approach soft, loving, patient and accommodating. Francki’s (my best friend) approach hard, brash sometimes hurtful but always well meaning, effective and done with love. She kicked my butt out of self pity mode and into one of self accountability. I’m lucky to have such a friend and a mother like mine whose worst offense to date is embarrassing me when I was in 6th grade by refusing to let me and my friends listen to “I Wanna Sex You Up” on the way to school. I will probably finally forgive her for that in 2016, maybe :-)

2016 — The Future (Predictions) In my almost 37 years (tomorrow), I’ve learned that life can beat the hell out of you like nothing ever could or ever will. It will knock you down more times than you can count and that’s alright as long as you keep trying to get up. I realize that there will be times in my life when I’m too weak to stand but I have so many people to lean on, who would never leave my side. Those days when even that’s not enough those same shoulders will be there to offer me a hand in getting back up on my feet. Dark days come and you want to check out and give into the abyss but hold on, good days will come around again. So no ragrets — not any — not even one — not even one letter. In 2016, I will try to let go of pain, old haunting hurts and toxic people. I will be grateful for all the good things, number one being my friends, who are my family.

12/26/2015 SEB