Her List

Who knew a routine physical and blood test would change everything? Zoey definitely hadn’t considered that was a possibility, it was just a normal yearly check-up as far as she knew. Even after her doctor called and wanted her to do another round of tests, she wasn’t really worried. Maybe her test was contaminated somehow, or some numbers looked too high or low. She didn’t fret when he called the second time, either, asking to discuss all of her blood work in person. She assumed maybe her blood sugar was high or her cholesterol wasn’t where it should be, nothing big. A simple fix that eating better and exercising would help, or take medicine to get back in check. Maybe it was denial, maybe it was blissful ignorance. Either way, she was completely caught off guard by the sudden news.

“We have a few numbers for some really great grief counselors.” The doctor said, his face pulled in a somewhat strained but otherwise apathetic expression.

“I…” Zoey’s voice cracked, her eyes staring at his plastic name tag on his coat as she tried to recall anything he just told her. “Can you repeat that?”

“We have information on grief-” He repeated slowly, stopping when she shook her head.

“No, I heard that. I mean the part before that. I didn’t catch any of that.” She laughed, nervous and uneasy, body burning with shock and fear.

“The second set of blood work confirmed what I suspected from your exam last week. You have cancer.” His voice was soft, clinical.

“No.” She breathed out, looking up at his face again. “That’s impossible.”

“I’m very sorry, Zoey.” Was all he said to her, cementing his diagnosis with a sympathetic frown.

She went silent for a moment, letting the idea sink in. Cancer. How the hell did she get cancer? She was healthy, her family didn’t really have a big history of health problems, it was entirely impossible. He had to be wrong.

“I want to do a biopsy.” He continued when she didn’t respond, his attention focused back on his clipboard as his pen scratched along the paper.

“Then what?” Zoey blurted out, leaning forward a bit to try and catch his eye so she could get an idea of what he was thinking. “We found it early, right? So it’s curable?”

“I won’t know for sure until the biopsy. That’s our next step in this. Then we’ll figure the rest out.” He didn’t look up at her, either because he knew it was bad or because he was simply being clinical again.

Zoey nodded, biting her tongue and fighting the surge of fear his lack of answers caused. It had to be alright, though. Until now, she hadn’t been having any symptoms so it has to be in the super early stages. Right?

After the appointment, she went grocery shopping like normal. She didn’t feel different, there was a feeling of distant fear in her chest, but it hadn’t really fully sunk in. Her car needed to be washed, her dry cleaning needed to be picked up, she had errands to run for most of the day. It was late when she finally got home, her roommate already inside and relaxing in front of the television when she got in and started putting things away.

“You’re home late.” Poppy said, turning her head just enough to call out over her shoulder.

“Had to pick up groceries and my dry cleaning after the appointment.” She shrugged, her shoulder rolling faintly though she knew it wouldn’t be seen since Poppy was still watching her show.

“How’d that go, by the way?” Still invested in the screen, her voice did hold honest curiosity.

“As well as getting groceries and dry cleaning always goes?” Her answer was more of a question, confused by Poppy’s curiosity.

“I mean the appointment, jerk.” Finally, the show went to a commercial and she was up, wandering into the kitchen and looking through one of the bags before helping put items away.

“Eh, it went alright,” Zoey said absently, looking over the few oranges she had gotten from the store and deciding to put them in the fridge instead of out on display.

“Yeah? Why’d he want a second test?” Poppy wasn’t nosey, she was just always a concerned, worried friend. They’d known each other for years, even before they were roommates she was a worrywart.

“Oh, that.” She paused, tilting her head slightly and shrugging again, “Just to confirm I have cancer.”

Poppy stopped in her tracks, whipping around to face Zoey. Her face lost all color, her eyes wide and her mouth open in silent dismay.

“What?” Zoey asked, putting the bananas on the little metal tree-shaped holder they had for them.

“What do you mean what? You have cancer?!” She practically shouted, tears immediately in her eyes.

“I mean, yeah? That’s what the test says, anyway. Leukemia. Won’t know much else until the biopsy but, yep.” She was still pretty numb to it, just going through putting the food away while she explained.

Poppy continued to look on in horror and fear, her hands reaching out suddenly to grab Zoey, pulling her into a painfully tight hug.

“Hey, ease up a little there.” She groaned, squirming in the grip and patting her friend on the back.

“No! You have cancer! Zoey! This is really, really bad!” The yelling continued, Poppy’s voice already hoarse from the crying.

“Nah, it’s alright.” She reassured, petting a hand over Poppy and shaking her head. “It’s fine, people get cancer all the time, don’t they?”

Tear filled eyes stared down at her, Poppy’s face twisted in pain, “Zoey, honey, you’re in shock. It’s not fine! It’s cancer! Cancer is a huge deal! You have cancer!”

Zoey started to shake her head again, started to insist it was all a-okay. But it kind of hit her differently, looking up at her best friend’s crying face and hearing the word repeated. Cancer. She had cancer. Bad cancer, at that. She could very well die, in fact, she almost certainly would be killed by cancer. Oh god.

Tears burned down her cheeks but her mouth was silent for a bit longer, stubbornly refusing to let out a noise. When it did cave and she made sounds, the sobs were loud and deep, rattling out from her core and sending her to her knees. Poppy followed her down at least, cradling her close and crying with her. She finally let it all out, nearly screaming as she cried and wailed until she didn’t have strength left in her body to keep going.

“This is so weird,” Zoey said, a hand pressing to her forehead as the other held a pencil, a paper waiting just under the pointed lead.

“No way! It’s so not weird.” Poppy insisted, gesturing at the paper and grinning. “It’ll help you with..you know…everything going on.”

They all still had issues talking about cancer, even if it was just appointment times or the fact that she wouldn’t be cured. She was getting treatment, sure. Chemo and radiation, all the medical things they could do to prolong her life. But it was only by months, maybe a year if she was lucky. She was on a waiting list for a bone marrow transplant, but with her marrow type being rare and the list being long as hell, she wasn’t putting much hope in it. It was aggressive and scary and everyone was walking on eggshells around her because of it.

Everyone except Poppy, who had suggested a bucket list of things she wanted to do before death. She was still a little cautious when talking around her, but for the most part, Poppy was trying to help it go a little easier. She convinced Zoey to try and look at the bright side of things, to focus on the time she had left and made the best of it. She wasn’t dead yet, she still had plenty of time to see her long-forgotten dreams come to life.

The problem was, what were her dreams? She honestly couldn’t remember most of what she wanted to accomplish before she grew old and died, as she had planned originally. All kids had dreams and ideas for their futures, but as she got older she fell into a routine of just getting through each week, she forgot them. It was really dumb sounding, to admit it even just to herself. She didn’t have any more big dreams or fun things she wanted to do, it was all lost.

“I don’t have anything.” She admitted in a defeated tone, wrinkling her nose and scribbling a little doodle on the margin of the paper.

“What about…Italy? You used to wanna go to Italy. And see all the major sights in America, like the grand canyon and stuff. And- oh man, wait! Do you remember that guy from school? You were head over heels for him. All those things could go on the list!” Poppy offered, counting each idea off on her fingers before waving them at Zoey.

“I don’t know…” She shrugged, considering the ideas. “What am I supposed to do? Just message a guy and say ‘Hey, I used to have a big dumb crush on you but I was a chicken with telling you. But now I’m dying so you wanna give me a pity date’? I’d probably get a yes but, that’s kinda pathetic.”

“Well, no. You don’t…exactly have to tell him about cancer. Or the list. Or any of that. Just friend him online and ask him to dinner.” The tone of Poppy’s voice was really matter-of-fact, like it was just so simple.

“Start a date by lying to the guy, sure.” Zoey rolled her eyes, but did finally start scribbling out some things on her list.

“Then tell him! I don’t know, Zo. All I can tell you is what I think.” She leaned over to eye the list as it was written out.

“I’ll consider it.” Her lips pulled into a little amused smile as she wrote more dreams and wishes.

The road trip was an obvious one, but she was iffy on making Italy work. So she put a little star by it, counting it as a ‘maybe’ rather than a for sure thing to do. She added other things, too. To learn pottery. And woodworking. To volunteer at a soup kitchen at least once a week. Her list might not be the most incredible or fantastic, but as she put her aspirations, she was getting more excited. She wanted to make birdhouses, and paddle a canoe into the middle of a lake for a picnic.

Skydiving would probably be saved for one of the last things, if she could help it, but it was on the list. She wanted to make a wedding cake, just to eat not even for any special occasion. It was silly, but she wanted to do it! On a more minor note, she wanted to do little things too. LIke have a bonfire, sleep on a trampoline underneath the stars like when she was a kid. She wanted to lie down and get mobbed by a dozen puppies and ride in a horse-drawn carriage.

Once she got started, the list pretty much wrote itself. Every little thing she ever wanted to do or have, she put on the list. Go apple picking, and try on big puffy ball gowns just for fun. Learn to play the guitar or violin, maybe both. She wanted to plant trees in a forest, make her own candles and soaps, play hopscotch with some kids. She wanted to snorkel, and quilt blankets for people in need, and help at a carwash fundraiser.

To anyone else, it might look boring or silly. But to Zoey, it was a chance to do anything and everything she ever dreamed of, not letting insecurities or fear hold her back. For too long, she cared too much about what others might think. She kept her silly thoughts and wishes to herself, worried it might be too immature or childish, or she’d make a fool of herself by even trying something new. With the shadow of death looming over her shoulder, she was finally seeing it didn’t matter. She needed to do the things she wanted, she needed to live her life while she could. Screw everyone else.

The therapy was exhausting, it really drained all of her energy out of her body and mind. Even her soul felt empty after each round of treatment. But that was alright, because after each treatment she rested, and after she rested, she felt pretty alright. Well enough to keep going on with her list, checking things off and adding a couple little ones now and then. Some days she was so tired even resting didn’t help, but she managed to cross off little things on those days. She marathoned movie sagas and full television series, caught up on entertainment on the days she couldn’t get out of bed.

When she ran out of things she wanted to finally watch, she turned to her laptop while trapped in bed and too sick to get up. She mostly watched videos, how-tos and such in educational and hobby videos. It passed the time, and she was able to cross a few other things off her list as she learned new skill after new skill. Part of her felt like she was wasting what time she had left, zoning out in front of a screen. But she did learn to make cute little bows out of ribbon, and was learning to knit and crochet. Little skills she could do while in bed, it had to count as something.

Eventually, she found herself on a social media site, eyeing the recently accepted friends request to Ryder. The guy holding the sixth spot on her list. She had sent the request not too long ago and he accepted immediately, but cold feet had her silent after that. That wasn’t to say she didn’t go through each and every picture he had, drooling over a few. Not her fault, he aged exceptionally well. She also didn’t notice a single mention of a significant other, he seemed single as could be. But she was nervous, and kept putting off actually messaging him.

A sudden alert made her nearly jump, staring at the screen before she carefully clicked it. It wasn’t him- she was partially hoping it would be, save her the build-up to do it herself. It was Poppy though, questioning how she was doing and what she was up to. When she admitted she still hadn’t messaged Ryder, she was bombarded with several all caps messages, prompting her to stop dragging her feet and get moving. She assured her she would, but when her friend went offline again, she continued to stall.

He had a green circle by his name, indicating he was online, now would be as good a time as any. It was intimidating though, just messaging him in general, but especially knowing he was right there and would see it immediately. He could respond immediately. She would have to have her own reply as soon as his came in, too. It didn’t sound like it was a difficult thing, but she was so unsure and uncertain at the moment, it made her hesitate.

Suddenly, it clicked in her mind. That was the purpose of her list, to stop hesitating on things she wanted and just do it already. She was on a time limit, she wouldn’t have a dozen chances for eternity to do it. Her life wasn’t going to last long, hesitating was just wasting what she had left. Besides, she had already done so many things on her list, and it wasn’t like it would be the end of the world if he turned her down. She just had to take that little leap, stop procrastinating, and remember that it could be her last chance to cross a date with him off her list.

Fear gripped her as she opened a new message for him, silly as it was, she was nervous as hell. She grounded herself, breathing a slow sigh through her nose before she shook her head and focused. It wasn’t a big deal, and even if it was a big deal- she’d be dead before long anyway. The embarrassment wouldn’t last long, and she’d have plenty of other things to keep her occupied anyway. She didn’t have much to lose, but there was a chance she could have a lot to win. Well. A date she could win, maybe a few dates but it would be temporary no matter what. Better than never finding out, right?

So, after a big sigh and a determined nod, she sent him a run-of-the-mill greeting and asking how he was. She felt dumb, the plain as possible message just to open the line of communication was boring. But it was better than nothing, it was at least a message finally and she should be happy to have done that at long last. Though, when he was immediately replying, the little blinking line saying he was typing, that had her almost in another moment of panic. She didn’t like replying instantly, she liked having time to think and make sure her responses made sense.

After the first few awkward replies between each other, it came a lot easier. Zoey grinned to herself a few times as they exchanged messages, biting her lip and getting giddy just catching up on how he was doing. She decided to take Poppy’s suggestion and not tell him about the cancer, she reassured herself she’d tell him another time, no need ruining the first conversation with such depressing news. They made plans to have dinner at the end of the week, Friday to be exact. She was excited when they were talking about it, but after she signed off, she was a nervous wreck.

Juggling treatments and her list was tiring enough as it was, adding dates to the mix would probably only make it that much more draining. Or it was more of an excuse she was tempted to use, nervous about the first date, and wanting to find an excuse to cancel without guilt. Thankfully, or unfortunately depending on how you looked at it, Poppy wouldn’t let her off the hook so easily. The second she was told about the dinner and movie date, she was adamant not to let her back out.

“You could at least look happy, ya know.” Poppy teased, a fingertip reaching out to prod at her face as if to force a smile to form.

It worked well enough, at least the antics made her smile as she rolled her eyes, “I am happy- I’m just…nervous, I guess.”

“You don’t need to be nervous, c’mon! Look at you! You’re gonna knock him dead.” The encouraging words were punctuated with repeated nods from Poppy, her hands fussing at Zoey’s hair and adjusting her clothes.

“Thanks, Poppy. I guess I’m just…rusty.” Which was true! But, honestly, it didn’t help that she still felt bad about not letting Ryder know about being sick. But it was just one date, right, it wouldn’t even come up so. It wouldn’t matter, no use dampening the date with depressing news.

“Is he picking you up, or are you meeting him somewhere?” Poppy asked as they started out of her room and into the living room.

“He offered to pick me up but I hate having to depend on someone else to drive me.” Even someone she somewhat knew and reasonably could trust, she hated letting a date drive her at least the first few times out. She liked to be free to leave whenever she wanted to, frankly.

“Lame. Way less romantic.” Rolling her eyes, Poppy dropped down on the couch, stretching out and fishing around for the remote.

“It’s not supposed to be romantic, Pop- it’s just something to cross off my list.” She insisted, figuring it was better not to get her hopes up. Besides, she might not even like him in person, he might be a bore or just uninteresting to her. Or she might not be his cup of tea, either. It’s really anyone’s guess how it would go, she liked to aim low and not get expectations up. Then, if things did turn out better than she anticipated, she’d be pleasantly surprised.

Zoey tousled Poppy’s hair before she hurried out, trying to fix at her skirt as she got into her car and started on the road. Despite the music playing on her radio, her mind was unable to quiet. What if he didn’t like her after all? Or he didn’t even bother showing up? What if she drove there and he took off after a few seconds of seeing her? Maybe her photos didn’t look enough like her and he felt catfished? Her mind swirled with silly, dumb ideas, tons of questions that made her feel more and more tempted to detour and go somewhere else. Regardless, she was pulling into the parking lot and found her way inside.

Her eyes scanned the lobby, her mouth feeling cotton dry and her stomach twisting nervously.

“Zo?” A voice called from behind her, unsure and holding what could easily be a tone of hope.

She spun around, hesitating before stepping closer and giving a smile. “Hey!”

He looked better in person than in his pictures, and those had looked pretty damn good-! Warm hazel eyes had an inviting squint to them, full lips pulled into a smile. His light brown hair was combed in a way that looked he had spent forever to make it look like he hadn’t done anything to it. But it looked nice to her, really. That, or maybe it was the way his eyes lit up with excitement as she held his gaze. That look on his face was difficult to look away from, but an awkward handshake helped fix that quickly. Nothing like ramming your hand into a man’s gut because you’re too busy gawking at him.

Besides the horrible stomach jab, and some follow up awkward small talk at the beginning, things fell into a comfortable pace. They picked right up where they left off online, catching up on what each of them had been doing and what their lives were now. Well, mostly. She still left out the cancer part, it just seemed a little late to mention it now. That was the reason, of course. That was the only thing, definitely not because she had, again, wimped out on telling him. She’d tell him eventually, but only after seeing if there was any reason to say anything. If they had more dates, or really liked each other past the first date, or it somehow came up more.

They were having such a nice time, telling him now would only dampen it and that was…unnecessary. They might not even have another date, it might not even be something to bring up ever. She just wanted to enjoy the evening, anyway. The meal was lovely, though most of it was spent talking rather than eating. His company was great, she hadn’t smiled and laughed so much in a long time. Spending time with Poppy was really nice, but it was different with him. The way he looked at her and how he smiled, how his voice hesitated before he’d give her a compliment, the dust of pink on his cheeks when she’d return the favor. It was intoxicating, she was almost thankful when they left for the movie, where it’d be nice and dark.

Normally, Zoey hated it when people talked during a movie. She also usually left if the movie sucked and didn’t catch her interest, like the one they were watching. But Ryder made it amusing, and his talking was pretty acceptable since the movie itself sucked. They kept making little jokes, silly comments about what was going on, how the movie could be better if certain characters did different things. There wasn’t a lot of other people around for the movie anyway, and the ones there weren’t nearby enough that the comments would disrupt their viewing. They whispered hushed replies over their shared popcorn, foreheads nearly touching between comments and giggles. The evening didn’t end with a kiss, but the shared laughter left her with butterflies and made her unable to fall asleep, her mind too fluffy with thinking about the date night.

“Are you serious right now?” Poppy asked, an incredulous look on her face. “You’re joking. Right?”

Zoey rolled her eyes at her friend’s dramatics, checking her makeup in the mirror briefly, “I’m very serious. We’re taking it…slow.”

“Zo, there’s slow, then there’s snail-moving-in-mud slow.” A frown pulled over her lips, expression changing from disbelief to concern. “Do you guys…not like each other?”

“Oh my god-” She tossed her hands up in the air in mock frustration, flashing a small smile to Poppy. “We like each other plenty. We’re just having fun, keeping it light, enjoying each other’s company.”

“It’s your tenth date today, and you’ve only kissed him. Zoey, what’s up?” Her eyes were wide, like she was searching for some hidden truth.

“Nothing’s up.” She insisted, watching her friend’s head slouch forward in the most exaggeratedly deflated way possible.

There was a pause of silence before Poppy’s head jerked up, a sudden revelation dawning on her. “It’s because you’re sick!”

“No it isn’t.” Zoey brushed off the comment, quickly finding out her jacket from the closet and checking her phone for the time.

“Yes it is. You’re sick and you’re trying to keep it oh-so-casual because you still haven’t told him.” Poppy continued, following her around the entryway and sidestepping to block her off from the door.

“Alright. I’ll admit that there’s some truth there. But even if I wasn’t sick, it’s different with him. Ryder is something else. I don’t want to mess up our emotional connection by screwing him and making it all about sex instead.” It was a lie. They both knew it was. Thankfully, Poppy accepted it without hassle and let her pass with a hug and a kiss on the forehead.

She wanted to get physical with Ryder, she had for some time now. They had an emotional connection like none she’d ever felt before, she was positive she was in love with him-! She’d wanted to be with him in every way for quite a while. But with the treatments and everything, she was afraid it’d be too obvious something was wrong with her. Hair extensions could fool him from a distance, during movies or at dinners, when they took walks in the park.

The fake hair clipped to her real hair nicely and blended well, masking the parts that were too thin from strands falling out. But she doubted a roll in the hay would grant her the luxury of hiding it from him. Then there was the skin discoloration from the radiation, and the “tattoos” that mapped out where she’d been treated. Clothes hid those signs from him, helped her keep her secret.

Truthfully, Zoey knew she’d have to tell him eventually. At the beginning of things, their first several dates, she kept telling herself she wouldn’t need to. It was a casual thing, they’d have a few dates and that would be the end of it. She’d officially cross him off her list and they’d go their separate ways. His to have a fulfilling life with someone else, a family maybe, a future. Her to, well, die. Unless a miracle happened, she had nothing to offer him but heartache and pain. She didn’t need to tell him any of that, he never had to know she was sick. As far as he would be concerned, they had some fun dates but it didn’t pan out. Simple.

Somewhere along the way, however, things changed. Maybe it was in the way his eyes lit up when he looked at her, like he was seeing the sun after a long, dark winter. Or how gentle his fingertips were when they trailed along her hand, slipping between her fingers and squeezing. It could’ve been that his hands were still clammy and he still looked surprised every time she accepted his hand into her’s, every time she returned the affectionate squeeze.

She could blame his voice, the small falter it would sometimes have when asking her something about her life. He was interested in knowing as much about her as he could, but obviously didn’t want to seem nosy. He was quite considerate that way. Then there were his broad shoulders, his strong chest, his gentle kisses to her forehead. She really stood no chance against it all.

Whatever was the catalyst that caused her to nosedive into deeper emotions, it really threw a wrench in the works. Her heart hurt when she’d have to cancel seeing him, too weak or sick from treatments to go out. She could hear the worry in his tone too, the way he asked what was wrong, if he could help. It really hurt her to her core when he had stopped by with soup once, concern weighing hard on his expression.

It hurt to keep lying to him like she was, to fake being sick with something simple and common instead of cancer. Soup wouldn’t fix that, a sprig of wildflowers tied with a bow wouldn’t make it better. Still, despite hurting from lying to him and leading him to believe she had a flu or cold, there was a fuzzy warmth building in her soul at his attempts to help. Maybe she shouldn’t say they were attempts, his pampering did help her feel better. Like maybe she should tell him, could tell him.

That chance already passed by though, hadn’t it? If she told him now, that’d just make everything so awkward and weird. It was like someone knowing your name but you not remembering their name, you wait too long to say you forgot and it just becomes weird. If she was ever going to tell him, she should’ve done so at the start, by the third date at the latest. Maybe that was just another excuse to use so she could put it off more, maybe she was just scrambling for excuses. No, there was no maybe about it, she was being a brat and wanting to find a way to keep from having an awkward conversation. So far, the excuse was working just fine for her.

As they shared more dates and spent more time together, it was easy to ignore the gnawing feeling that she should tell him. Only late at night sometimes, or during the long, never-ending treatments did the idea come back up. She considered scenarios that could work as she sat in the chairs during her treatments, distracting herself from the itching it caused in her skin and how hard the seat was from the worn-down cushion.

There were tons of ways she could still tell him, but in her mind, in every instance, she lost him. In every example in her mind, it ended with her alone.

So she refused to acknowledge even risking it. He didn’t have to know, she’d just hide it from him until their inevitable break up. She’d just enjoy what she could while she could, live in the moment. That was what her list was about anyway, wasn’t it? A list of stuff to do before she died, different things to accomplish while living in the moment- her last moments. Even if the list was getting shorter as she crossed more things off of it. That only made her feel more aware that the amount of moments she had left, which were dwindling down rapidly, too.

Zoey assumed, despite everything going on, that she had at least a good amount of “moments” left. She wasn’t too worried when she was preoccupied by Ryder, enjoying date after date. If they could even be called dates anymore. They went to movies and dinners, sure. But they also just hung out. They spent time together at their homes, watching dumb shows or playing some sort of games. It wasn’t always a night on the town, but she was enjoying herself immensely. Honestly, she liked their nights in, it made it easier when her body was tired and weak.

Every now and then, when he had some plan to go do something that could make her exert too much energy, she would reschedule her treatments. Not often enough to cause any problems, but her doctor did warn her about the importance of timing. Everything had to be timed, planned, orchestrated to the very last detail. It was difficult to deal with, but she pushed her luck and stretched days between treatments so she could go out with him without problems. It was a perfect plan, and it worked out fine.

Until it didn’t.

They were at a county fair. It was hot and dusty, and the livestock made half of the fairgrounds stink while the food stands made the other half smell heavenly. Zoey wasn’t really one for fairs. She never really liked the idea of paying money to walk around some dirty, fenced-in area with too many people and lights and noise. But he had been so excited, she could see it shining in his hazel eyes. How could she say no?

It wasn’t at all the way she remembered the fair from when she was younger. The lights and noise weren’t as exciting, but it didn’t feel so closed in and overwhelming either. To a small child, so many adults bumbling around made it a lot different than being one of those adults now. Plus, he kept a hand on her, either in her hand or on the small of her back. He kept her close and safe, she couldn’t find fault with a place that made him stay attached to her side.

He won her a stuffed dog, paid way too much for way too cheap of a toy but he was proud and she likewise approved of his winnings. They both squished into a tiny photo booth for a strip of pictures, too. Some were silly faces, one they were kissing. It was pretty cliche and silly, but he made it pretty memorable. It was definitely going to be added to her list just so she could cross it off, like she’d done with so many of the other parts of the list. He wasn’t even trying and they were knocking things off the list left and right.

They’d just gotten cotton candy when she started to feel weird, her feet a little heavy and her legs sluggish. He helped her to a bench, both assuming it had just been a long, exhausting day in general. Maybe she hadn’t had enough solid food, or too much fried and sugary foods. Or she had food poisoning. Or any number of things, minor and not a concern but enough they’d need to take a break and leave soon. They weren’t concerned, she wasn’t concerned. Belatedly, as her vision got blurred and she felt herself slumping more into him, she considered that it might’ve been more of a big deal than she thought.

The next thing Zoey knew, she was blinking her eyes open under a bright, harsh light. There was a thing blanket under her fingertips, but she was too disoriented to actually look down at it. Her limbs felt weighted, even her eyelids were fighting her will to open them and look around. She couldn’t help it, she had to let them close her back into darkness. Faintly, she could hear noises she knew too well. The beep of hospital monitors, the shuffling of nurse shoes on the hard floor. She tried to ground herself, listening to the noises as they steadily grew more clear to her ears.

“She should’ve told me.” It was Ryder’s voice, his tone was one of pain and confusion laced with fear.

“I know, she knows. It was just…never the right time.” Poppy. Her voice lacked the usual bubbly chime in it, sounding hushed and hesitant.

“Never the right time?” He said a little more sharply, clearly frustrated. “It’s been weeks- there’s been plenty of time.”

“She didn’t want you to worry.” Her friend said after a long pause, sighing softly.

“And there’s nothing more that can be done to…help her?” His voice was full of so much hope, but the silence only shut it down immediately.

Most likely, Poppy had answered with a wordless shake of her head.

Zoey could tell they were in the room with her, down near the foot of her bed. It was hard to tell exactly, her head felt like it was stuffed with cotton and her ears still had a slight roaring in them from passing out. Like she was listening from underwater, barely making out most of the sounds.

“I just wish I had known.” Ryder eventually said, regret winning out over the other hums in his voice. “Maybe I could’ve done more- well not more… I could have done less. Stayed in more, not try to drag her out places when she was having those…treatments. My aunt had cancer. Getting up from bed and walking to the next room was a struggle some days.”

“Hey, this is Zoey we’re talking about here.” Poppy was clearly straining to add some playfulness in her voice, no doubt she was forcing a smile too. “Even if you knew, she wouldn’t have accepted just sitting around the house every date night.”

“I would’ve rethought the fair, though.” Zoey finally said, her voice rough and groggy. It took her a second to open her eyes, squinting and offering a little smile when the two came rushing to her bedside.

“You nearly gave me a heartattack!” Ryder said louder than necessary, causing a nurse outside the room to peek in and make sure things were going fine.

“I’m sorry.” She gave a sheepish look up at him, opening her mouth to try and smooth things over but not having time to even find the words.

He was hugging her instantly, obviously being as careful as possible not to hurt her but firmly wrapping arms around her and holding her.

She looked over to Poppy, who only smiled and raised an eyebrow before gesturing she was going to be outside and let them have their moment.

It wasn’t that she was complaining whatsoever to his affection, she needed that hug more than she could have ever hoped to express. She just expected to give more of an apology before she was allowed such comforts. After all, she had lied to him for weeks. She kept a huge secret from him after all the sharing they had done together. She passed out while on a date with him, no doubt leaving him dumbfounded and thoroughly freaked out in the middle of a fairground.

“I’m really sorry,” Zoey said again, one arm staying down since it had an I.V she didn’t want to tug on, but the other moving up to wrap around his torso, her face pressing into the side of his neck.

“Yeah. Well.” He grumbled, but it wasn’t in an irritated way. How his voice wavered and the way he swallowed, like he had a lump in his throat, it was definitely not in an irritated way. “You should be.”

She knew he was teasing, but he was right. She should be sorry, indescribably sorry. Zoey wanted to try and fumble over words to at least attempt apologizing enough, but something made her voice stop in her throat. His face was pressed down against her shoulder, where the thin fabric of her hospital gown was, and she could feel an undeniable dampness from his eyes. He was crying. Tears soaked into her gown, burned on her skin, sent a shudder down her spine that made her want to squirm. Her eyes immediately filled with tears, feeling a sob shake his shoulders and twist her stomach.

“Shh, oh Ryder, it’s okay, it’s alright.” Voice soft, she tried to soothe down his sobs as they broke free from his chest, rumbling out of his lips and against her shoulder. “I’m alright.”

“No, you’re not.” He said suddenly, sniffling and clearing his throat. When he straightened up, he kept his hands on her, one on her forearm and the other resting gently over her fingers, mindful of the I.V. His eyes were red and glossy, his nose puffy and a little pink. It was adorable and heartbreaking all at the same time. “Zo, you’re not alright. You have cancer- that….that’s not alright.”

“I…yeah, I know. I just mean that I’m alright right now.” She tried, his candor both a relief and a shock. “I should have told you, I know. I just…didn’t want to scare you away before I had to.”

“Scare me away?” He scoffed, moving his hands up to cradle her face, thumbs on her cheeks and rubbing away tears she barely noticed there. “That’s impossible. Zoey, you’re stuck with me until you tell me you don’t want me anymore. I’m not going anywhere. I love you.”

Her eyes widened just slightly, honestly not having expected him to say any of that. She expected him to be awkward, feared he’d pity her or treat her like she was made of glass. She never thought he’d simply accept it and stay with her regardless. And she sure as hell hadn’t anticipated he’d drop the L-bomb, knowing she had cancer and short of some divine intervention she’d be dead before long.

“I love you too, Ryder.” She said, holding his gaze with hers before shutting her eyes as he kissed her lips tenderly.

Zoey wasn’t sure what she expected the next few weeks to be like, but not even in her wildest dreams would she have conjured up the amount of affection and pampering she was showered with. Some days, it was too much. Ryder wouldn’t let her do things sometimes, even simple things like going shopping were off the tables. He would usually back down when she’d fuss at him about it, that she needed space and needed air. She didn’t need a babysitter watching over her every last move.

Other times though, she just let him baby her nonstop. It was kind of nice to be taken care of so much. He took her to and from appointments a lot of the time, driving her around and helping her get in and out of the car. He fretted over her like a mother hen, it was adorable and unbelievable, too. She wasn’t mistreated growing up, she didn’t have a cold, affectionless life by any means. But it was something else entirely to have someone you were dating tend to you like he did, she could feel the love and worry radiating off of him at any given moment.

Every now and then, she did regret him knowing. He never used to look at her with eyes full of concern, not the way he did now. But he needed to know, it wasn’t right of her to keep it from him so long. He always said it wasn’t a big deal that he accepted her being sick and forgave her lying about all of it, but she felt like it was something incredible. Knowing she was sick, he still chose to be with her. She could die soon, and he insisted he’d rather spend what time he could with her now than go their separate ways. It might not have seemed like a big deal to him, but she was still floored by it.

They had dates, still. On days she was feeling good, they made the most of it. Nights out having dinner together or watching movies, going for walks in parks and enjoying places out together. They even took trips to cross things off her list, which was getting shorter and shorter every day. Then there were the days she could hardly lift her head, when the idea of getting out of her bed to just go to the bathroom was impossible. Those nights they stayed in, he’d bring some food or movies over, they’d lie in her bed and take it easy. Sometimes she made it to the couch in the living room, but it was happening less often with each passing week.

A question stayed on her mind, waiting at the tip of her tongue for her to voice it. Every time she felt it, she forced it back down. It was a mood killer, and she wanted to enjoy the cozy moods with him as much as possible. Long after he’d go home, she’d be thinking about it. It tormented her, hung heavy in her thoughts, lingered like a bad taste in her mouth. She discussed it with Poppy, who of course reassured her in a positive way. She wanted to believe her friend, but it was impossible to silence the voices in her head that told her otherwise.

Finally, one night, while they were lying outside in her backyard, curled up on a blanket and watching the stars- she couldn’t keep the worried question to herself.

“Are you happy?” She said, voice a low hush in the night air.

He shifted a bit, his arm around her tightening as he nodded, “Yeah, why?”

“I don’t just mean right now,” Zoey explained, twisting around to rest her chin on his chest and look up at his face, “I mean overall. With us. And me. And this whole…relationship.”

His laugh rattled through his chest and her head, his hand coming up along her back to tangle in her thinning hair as he nodded again. “I’m very happy with you and our relationship, babe.”

“It’s not boring to you?” Maybe it was a dumb question, but she was honestly curious. Did it bore him to not have fun dates all the time? Did it drag him down to be saddled with a lame horse, in a way? He said before he was okay, but the concerns wouldn’t stop.

“No, it’s not.” Ryder sat up, bringing her up with him and cradling his arms around her shoulders. “You excite me, Zo. You’re smart, pretty, and great company. I couldn’t be happier.”

She eyed him, nose wrinkling a little and eyes narrowing before she kissed his cheek and attempted to end what she brought up with a simple “Alright.”

“Where’s this coming from?” He asked, cupping her cheeks with his wide palms and stealing a kiss from her lips.

“From a long while ago now, just some…worries on my mind.” She admitted, letting her eyes shut as he kissed her forehead and they lounged back against the ground.

“I promise I’m happy- I couldn’t be happier. I wish you weren’t sick, sure, but that’s only because I hate to see you hurting. I love you Zoey, sickness and all. You’re my whole world.” He continued, his hand settling in it’s previous place on her back and thumb rubbing small circles against her shirt.

“What happens when I’m gone?” Honestly, she hadn’t meant to ask the question. The words tumbled out of her mouth faster than her brain could keep up. And once they were out, she was stunned silent, anxiously waiting for his reply.

“I don’t know.” He said after only a moment, though it definitely felt like longer. “I’m kinda winging it right now, just getting as many moments like this with you as I can.”

“I’m sorry.” Zoey mumbled as she pressed her face into his shoulder, curling into his side as close as she could.

“Nah, don’t worry about it. You have worries and questions, and I might not have all of the answers but I’ll sure as hell try.” He reassured her, hugging her close.

“I mean about leaving you.” She clarified, refusing to lift her head up though she could feel his muscles straining as he looked down at her.

“You’re not leaving me. You’re going someplace else, and I’ll catch up when it’s my time. I’m not letting you go that easily.” He replied, his nose pressing against her head and hot air puffing out as he held her.

“You’re such a sap.” It was said with the most affection possible, she loved his sappiness. It made her feel more human, like everything would be alright despite her bleak future.

There was an uptick with her recovery for a little while, her medicine wasn’t making her nearly as sick and her body was responding well to the treatments. She had energy, she had strength. While the doctors cautioned her to still be careful, the new gift of life could be wiped out without a second’s notice, she was excited. Cautiously excited, anyways. She knew she wasn’t “cured”, the only cure for her was a procedure that she didn’t have any matches for, and the waiting list she was on was a long one. But she was given a second wind, and they made the most of it.

She couldn’t do some of the things on her list still, a trip to Italy was out of the question and a cruise around the Bahamas wasn’t on the table either. But they did go to the Grand Canyon, camped out under the stars on an air mattress in the bed of his truck. And she convinced him to go to a zoo with in-person animal encounters, petting a tiger cub was an unbelievable experience and she was glad to have it with him. She was even able to get in a swim with dolphins, feeding them and getting to be pulled along while holding on to them, before she was sick again and had to be home. Overall, it was a nice little break from being a fragile mess of a person.

But she was back to being weak and incapable of doing anything fun soon enough, spending days lying in bed and trying to work up the strength to lift her head enough to eat. She wasn’t a quitter though, she might have accepted she was dying but she wasn’t dead yet. It was one of her most useful driving forces, knowing she was still alive and refusing to just lie there like she wasn’t. That was how she ended up stuck on the floor of her closet, leaning against boxes of shoes and old trinkets, and sound asleep. She thought she could straighten it up, get some spring cleaning done and do something useful. Falling asleep hadn’t been part of the plan, she was still covered in old clothes she was sorting through, deciding what to give to charity and what was too faded or old.

She didn’t hear Ryder come in, though he announced himself in his usual way as he went into her room. It must have been quite a scare not to find her in her bed like she should be, but instead lying in the closet like a limp body. At least, she assumed it frightened him given the way he yelled her name and dropped to his knees, pulling her to him and touching her neck frantically, looking for a pulse.

“Are you always so dramatic?” She murmured, yawning and pushing the clothes away so she could lean into him more properly.

“You’re…wait, you’re sleeping in the closet?” He raised his eyebrows in confusion, shaking his head as he hauled her up and lugged her back to her bed.

“No, I’m cleaning out my closet. Sleep just…snuck up on me in there.” She insisted, but didn’t protest to being moved, setting against her pillows with a content sigh.

“Well. Don’t do that again. At least wait until me or Poppy are around in case you need help.” Ryder fussed to adjust her blankets comfortably over her, ending with his hands pushing her hair out of her face and fingertips lingering on her cheeks.

“Yeah yeah, alright. Next time I’ll let one of you know. Didn’t know it was such a phobia of yours.” She teased him, noticing belatedly that he had a couple bags of takeout with him, left strewn about on the foot of the bed.

“You sleeping in a closet isn’t- you’re such a brat.” He conceded, following her gaze to the discarded bags and their contents. “Oh yeah, I thought you might be hungry so I picked up some food.”

She made a face at the thought of food, shaking her head and burying her face in the pillow with a groan.

“Aw, come on! You need to eat at least a little.” Ryder pushed, jostling one of the bags around before offering it out to her.

“The idea of food sounds disgusting right now, babe.” Zoey insisted, peeking out at him like a stubborn child.

“If nothing else, just check out what I brought.” The bag was offered to her still the same, prodding it at her.

It sounded silly, why would she need to look inside if she wasn’t going to eat any of it? The bag was too small to fit any flowers, like he had done in the past. But she could definitely smell curly fries, and they both knew how much she liked curly fries. Maybe that was all he was worried about, wanting her to eat them while they were fresh, or at least look at what he brought in case it’d sway her appetite. She knew she had to eat to keep her strength, but the idea of eating was just gross.

Nonetheless, she humored him and took the bag he was holding out to her, noting it wasn’t as heavy as it should have been. Sitting up, she unrolled the bag and fished a hand inside to pull out the fries, pausing when her fingertips came in contact with something that was certainly not fries. Her eyes glanced up at him, curiosity and confusion clear on her face. When all he did was shrug at her, she thought it could be a napkin, maybe it was throwing her off. Her fingers circled around the curious object, feeling it wasn’t a napkin or a container of fries. It felt like a box.

As she pulled out a small, velvet box, her mouth fell open. Turning her head quickly, she caught him just as he settled on a knee next to her bedside, his eyes bright with hope.

“Ryder- what are you doing?!” She all but yelled, fumbling with the box a second before managing a deep breath as he took her hands and helped her open it.

“Zoey, I love you. I want to be with you as long as you’ll have me, I’d love to be your husband…” He said, his voice trembling and shaking. He was grinning though, ear to ear as he held her hands with his clammy ones.

“Oh my God, Ryder! I don’t even know what to say!” She raised her voice again, tears in her eyes as she nodded eagerly. “Yes- I mean, yes! Of course! I would love that!”

She had reservations about it, sure, a little tugging worry in her gut about if it was a good thing or not. Her forever after wasn’t going to be very long, but they’d already talked about the future not lasting nearly long enough given she was sick. He wouldn’t have asked if he wasn’t sure, she knew that. And, despite the teeny bit of worry about having to die as his wife and not just his girlfriend, she knew she was positive about marrying him too. She loved him, a lot.

Zoey watched as the ring was slipped on her finger, thinking about what it meant. It made her pulse increase and her body feel like it could vibrate right off the bed, her heart full of butterflies as she nodded again and let him embrace her. She couldn’t stop smiling, even as he kissed her lips.

“This is all too big.” Zoey’s voice was muffled by her hands over her face, head bowed and shoulders slumping.

“It’s a wedding! It’s supposed to be big!” Poppy said loudly, excitedly flipping through the dress catalog as they sat in the dressing room.

She looked around, eyeing the dresses she’d already tried on and rejected, frowning again. “This isn’t a normal wedding, you know. It doesn’t need to be big…”

“Hey, the bride’s condition doesn’t change that it’s a wedding. It’s supposed to be too big and too much, it’s a wedding. Your wedding! Have fun!” Her friend continued, offering a page to Zoey and pointing at a dress on it.

“Too much lace.” She frowned, narrowing her eyes at the pages and turning a few more before humming in thought. “Maybe this one would look nice on.”

“I’ll let the attendant know!” Poppy was up quickly, hurrying out of the dressing room and asking the staff for the style of dress in Zoey’s size.

She waited, leaning back against the seat and letting her fingertips play along one of the dresses she turned down. They were all too lacy, too fluffy, too modest, too low cut. She just couldn’t find one on that she enjoyed. It shouldn’t be so difficult, she should just grab one and call it done. She didn’t even think it was such a big deal, she never figured she’d be so big on getting the proper dress. It was always just a dress, she never got big into wedding dresses, fancy white fabric worn for just one day. But there she was, excited and anxious, worrying over the perfect white fabric for herself.

“Here we go- I also grabbed a couple ones off the shelf on the way back.” Poppy hurried back in, arms full of fluff and her face almost looking like an angel peeking up over some clouds.

“My dress has got to be in there somewhere!” Zoey proclaimed, waiting as Poppy arranged the dresses on the hooks before she got up and started trying on the one from the magazine.

“If not, we still have half the store left that we haven’t looked at yet.” Her tone was teasing, playfully poking fun at all the dresses she tried on.

“Rude.” She grunted, squeezing and wiggling into the dress until it was on just the right way.

“Oh, that’s beautiful, Zo!” Poppy said quickly, hopping up and helping to adjust some of the fabric the right way.

“Nope. Don’t like it.” She sighed as she looked at the three mirrors, frowning at her reflection.

“Why not? What’s wrong with this one?” Hands patted over fabric, adjusting and smoothing the material until it looked like it had on the model.

“It’s too puffy at the bottom and has way too many sequins at the top.” Her eyes trailed over the white dress, shaking her head in disapproval.

“Oh alright.” Poppy accepted the dresses rejection, helping her take it off and put it back on the hanger. “Here, try this one then.”

Zoey looked over the bundle of sheer fabric, pursing her lips and fighting the urge to say ‘nothing see-through’ for at least the third time since they started trying on dresses. It wasn’t that Poppy was picking things that were too sheer on purpose, Zoey was just feeling very particular about what she wanted the dress to look like. She couldn’t quite find the words to express what she was looking for, but she knew it’d pop out to her when she saw it. If she saw it, at this rate. She was feeling kind of pessimistic she’d ever find one that would be acceptable to herself.

“Don’t lemon-face it until you try it on!” Poppy cut in, shaking the dress at her.

“Fine, I’ll give it a try.” She let her friend help get the dress on, adjusting things until they felt right.

When she looked in the mirror, she was at a loss for words. It was perfect-! The way it fit her body was flattering without being too form fitting, the sheer fabric was backed by a shimmery layer that kept it from being see-through. There was just enough fluff to be flashy enough for a wedding dress, but wasn’t so puffy that it didn’t look elegant as well. She stared in awe at her reflection, feeling a flutter make it’s way from her stomach to her head. It made her feel a little dizzy, and took her breath away.

“Whoa!” Poppy let out, hopping up and down next to her, “You look like you should be on top of a cake!”

“It’s…perfect.” She breathed out at long last, fingers trembling as she smoothed her hands down the front of the dress and nodded. “This is it. This is my dress.”

Everything was somehow moving entirely too fast while still being incredibly slow. Maybe she was just nervous, having to manage a gathering for so many people and to do something as big as getting married. She had parties before, but nothing as intense as this. Plus she was still having her treatments, struggling with trying to prolong as much of what life she had. She wanted to at least make it past the wedding. Her honeymoon, too. She wanted to be with Ryder for a little while before she had to die. But the treatments took all of her energy, and left her feeling sick as hell. It made all the planning even more exhausting.

Poppy had suggested getting a wedding planner, but Zoey was pretty set to do it herself. She wanted things to be just right, although she was finding it hard to get things perfect. Everyone had an input, and everyone wanted something specific. Mostly, everyone seemed to want more and more people invited. Bigger flower displays. A larger, sweeter cake. A super, mega wedding that could be seen from space! It wasn’t a problem, they had a budget for the wedding that could handle being big, and the planning itself wasn’t too terribly bad. It was just all a little overwhelming.

As the days spilled into each other, it was getting less intense. After too much being piled on, her mind just kind of started to glaze over the details and she simply focused on one task at a time. The treatments took the forefront of her attention, and the side effects after each one, too. At least that was kind of easy to focus on, lying in her bed and waiting for the sick feeling in her gut to pass. Flowers and dresses and cake could all wait, she was in bed and letting time tick by while she waited.

When she got up though, there was always something for her to deal with. The caterer had the wrong headcount, the florist used the wrong color ribbon in the sample centerpiece, and she still needed to try her dress on one more time. Apparently she needed to do the final fitting, get any last adjustments finished and all of that. It sounded excessive, but apparently, it was common and Penny was excited to see it again. She had her maid of honor dress picked out and perfectly hemmed already, even did her final fitting a few days before. Most of it was all set and ready to go, the wedding would be a successful hit.

It was only one little week until said wedding, she had her treatments timed perfectly for it. She had pushed to make sure she had everything set for the wedding, though their honeymoon would be delayed depending on more treatments and how she was able to handle it. She really hoped she’d be able to go, Ryder said he had something super special planned for their honeymoon and she was thrilled to find out what it was.

Before she would get the chance to find out, she had to do the last fitting and get married. Okay, she was quite excited about the fitting and getting married parts, but surprises were one of her favorite things ever. She just wanted to know what it was and enjoy it, he seemed so excited about it. Poppy knew what the plans were, she knew what Ryder had planned for the honeymoon but wasn’t telling. Which was both a good thing and a bad thing, since she wanted to know but she didn’t want the surprise ruined, either.

Regardless of her excitement to get to the honeymoon and find out what the surprise was, she took Poppy along with her to the dress fitting without fuss. It was exciting too, despite wanting to get distracted with her treatments and how they might mess with their trip. Her hair wasn’t fixed properly, but she went ahead and had her veil to try on with the dress. It all fit without issue before, so she just needed to make sure it was all perfect one last time. Kind of like a rehearsal or practice run. A final look over in case there were emergency changes needing to be done. Plus looking at her reflection once the dress was on, while Poppy adjusted the veil, she looked pretty great.

She was more excited than she anticipated, apparently. To the point her heart was pounding out of her chest, beating rapidly and making her hands feel clammy. In fact, her head was spinning again, like she was twirling around repeatedly then trying to stand still. Her eyes blurred, starting at the edges then slowly closing in to make her entire vision foggy. She looked at herself, trying to focus on her own image. It was a smudge in the mirror, a white fluff that swayed slightly. She wasn’t sure if it was her own vision or head swaying, or if she was actually moving slightly side to side.

Before she realized entirely what was going on, she was going down. She vaguely caught sight of the reflection coming closer as she staggered forward, one hand reaching out to balance on the mirror as the other desperately grabbed at Poppy. She felt the pain of hitting her head on something, the ache of her body as it went to the floor. The last thing she could really process was Poppy screaming her name and her vision going black.

For the second time, Zoey found herself blinking groggy eyes and barely focusing on too bright of lights above her. She caught on quicker this time that she was in the hospital, the smell and familiar beep-beeping of the monitor to her side cluing her in quickly. She felt different than last time, though. Something was off…weird, maybe even wrong. She couldn’t place her finger on it but her body felt simultaneously stronger and weaker, exhausted but revitalized. It was strange and she could barely do more than blink against the harsh light and try desperately to focus her ears, struggling against the roaring in them to hear anything else.

Faintly, she could make out Poppy’s voice nearby, chatting up someone and sounding pretty upbeat for her being in the hospital. She didn’t sound nearly as worried or upset as last time, that had to be a good sign.

Ryder’s voice was missing, she noted quickly. The second voice was unfamiliar, she could just make out they were talking about something else entirely other than her and whatever her condition was.

It was almost a relief, if he wasn’t there yet, it couldn’t be too bad. Even at work, he wouldn’t take too long to get to the hospital. She must have either just gotten there, or it was such a minor thing that he was able to finish work and show up later. Coupled with the fact that Poppy was calming and happily talking to someone else, she was pretty sure it was minor. Probably just too much excitement with the wedding next week, combine that with her treatments making her weak and sick, it was no wonder she fainted. It was nothing more concerning than when she knocked out in her closet, or the few times she was watching a movie on the couch and woke up in bed, having passed out at some point.

Her fingers curled into the rough blanket, feeling the tight pulling of tape on the back of her hand where an I.V was. She managed to dip her chin forward, pressing into a stiff hospital gown, her eyes still blurry but finally taking in the room. Unlike her room the last time she was in the hospital, it wasn’t as empty. She was greeted with brightly colored flowers and balloons, several displays that lined along the window and even balanced on a nearby chair. Cards were pinned up on the corkboard, she couldn’t make many of them out but she assumed they were “get well” cards. Which really only meant one thing.

She was definitely not waking up after just barely being put in the bed.

No one was with her, no one was sitting in the other chair or standing inside the room. Poppy’s voice was outside in the hall, traveling through the barely open door. She could see the familiar hair, just slightly visible every now and then when it was flicked off her shoulder or out of her face. She assumed it was a nurse or even a doctor she was talking to, but Zoey couldn’t keep her head up to try and see what was up.

Her head flopped into the pillow, eyes shutting as she let out a soft grunt. Her body was sore and achy, it was unfamiliar really, it wasn’t a pain like she had before. It confused the hell out of her, but she just waited for the moment, not trying to call out to Poppy or find anything else out just yet She just wanted to let the dull throbbing slowly fade until it didn’t hurt anymore, letting the beeping lull her into a place between awake and asleep.

“And just what are you doing out of bed, mister?” Poppy’s voice took a playful, teasing tone.

“Just wanted to check in on Zo.” Ryder’s voice broke through the haziness, it sounded softer than usual and a little weak. Like he hadn’t slept in a few days or something, almost like he could be hungover.

“No change yet, Ry.” Poppy answered, a little hesitation in her voice.

“Well I’m gonna just…sit with her a bit, then.” He sighed out, his voice still sounding so distant with how low it was and being in the hallway.

Poppy resumed talking to whoever she was chatting up before he came along, picking up where she had left off.

The door made a little squeak as it was opened more, the soft sound of shuffling footsteps slowly getting closer to the bed.

She left her eyes closed, waiting and listening as the walking stopped next to her. A hand was on her’s after a second, fingers curling around her’s lightly. She felt the edge of the bed sink down, fingers playing at her engagement ring. A slow breath sounded so loud in the room, the noises from the hall muffling together into white noise as her attention focused on his breathing.

After enjoying just having him quietly with her, she opened her eyes again and looked up at him. He was in a gown, too, which had her full attention on him in an instant. She was going to play coy, pretend to just barely be waking up so he was able to enjoy that moment for himself. But the ugly fabric draped over his shoulders and spilling down onto the bed next to her’s, that had her jerking up. Which was a mistake, and her body immediately protested the movements.

“Whoa, Zoey, take it easy.” He said softly, his hands on her shoulders and helping to ease her back against her bed. “Calm down, babe, you’re okay.”

“What happened to you?” Her voice was rough, like she hadn’t used it in forever. Her throat was tight and felt weird, the vibrations making her vocal cords ache.

“The best damn thing that could ever happen to anyone.” Ryder said quickly, flashing a grin and leaning over her to kiss her forehead.

“How long have I been here?” She swallowed, mouth cotton dry and throat tight.

He seemed to notice her mouth dryness, leaning away to snag a glass of water on the nearby stand. He was careful as he tipped the glass, positioning the straw to offer her a sip. “Nearly three weeks.”

She choked on the water a second, coughing to clear her throat as she stared wide-eyed up at him. “Are you serious?! What happened?”

“You had an…episode, during the fitting. And they had to do immediate surgery.” He explained slowly, touching her cheek fondly and smiling down at her.

“What kind of surgery?” Zoey said much louder than necessary, trying to sit up again.

Ryder helped her instead of trying to get her to lie down, propping pillows up behind her so she could be more comfortable. “You know that transfusion list you’ve been sitting on?”

She blinked, nodding and trying to focus on his voice rather than the pounding in her ears.

“Well, the list was too long and couldn’t be of any help with it, but-” He paused to take a deep breath, his smile widening.

Before he could speak, the door swung open and Poppy was running in. “Zo! You’re awake!”

“Yeah, I am.” She laughed, watching as Poppy tossed her arms around her shoulders and hugged her close. “Been a whole thirty seconds.”

“I’m so happy, oh my goodness!” Poppy let out, brushing her hands down Zoey’s hair and back, cradling her close and practically vibrating against her.

“I’m pretty happy right now, too.” Zoey agreed, grunting as she was squeezed one more time before Poppy sprung back up and beamed.

“She’s pretty happy- and she hasn’t even heard the best of it, yet!” Ryder’s voice was teasing, a little sparkle in his eyes.

“You mean… you didn’t tell her yet?” Poppy’s face dropped, almost disappointed with her expression before a look of disbelief and genuine excitement spread with a sneaky smile.

“Tell me what?” She asked, biting her lip nervously.

“I was gonna tell her, but somebody came ripping into the room and interrupted me.” He stuck his tongue out, looking absolutely tickled.

“What were you telling me?” She asked again, giving a fake huff and pout at him.

“Oh don’t make that face, it won’t work on me. I’m immune by now.” He leaned back, carefully placing his hands on the bed so he wouldn’t hurt her.

“It might.” Zoey looked between the two, raising her eyebrows and kind of gesturing with her hand for one of them to finally say something.

“Okay.” Ryder started again, grinning and obviously trying not to keep smiling like a goof. “So, the waiting list was still too long and got tossed out the window. Things were kind of…terrifying. Poppy called me and I rushed down here. They said you were in a coma and…it didn’t look good.”

When he paused she nodded, biting her tongue and waiting, hoping he wouldn’t keep her waiting. Obviously it couldn’t have looked too grim, seeing as she was sitting there alive and feeling pretty well overall.

He returned the nodding, taking her hand and continuing after a moment. “Well. I was…panicking, and asked the doctors if I could help in any way. One thing lead to another and, well, I was tested to see if I was a match.”

Her eyes drifted between him and Poppy, she had a feeling what was coming but she just stared in excitement and anticipation.

“I’m sure you know where this is going-” He gave a snorting kind of laugh, looking a little nervous. “I…was a match… a great match, actually. As spot on as possible, from what I understand. So, as soon as you were strong enough to have a transplant…”

She stared at him, her mouth falling open and slowly starting to close back a few times. It was…unbelievable.

“And… and the cancer, then?” She hardly managed to get the words out, feeling the room spiraling and her throat squeezing tight with surprise and a little bit of fear.

“It’s gone.” Poppy said after a few seconds, Ryder’s mouth silent for too long so she filled in for him, her face scrunched up with how big she was smiling.

“You’re cancer free.” Ryder added after another moment, his smile a soft, warm, content one.

Six months.

Six months of tests and follow-up appointments. Six months of holding her breath as she got tests done, waiting for the other boot to fall, for the cancer to be back. Six months of surprisingly positive results, saying she was totally cancer free, half a year and still cancer free. She was so ready for death, she had accepted that she would die and not have much of a future. It was like the air got knocked out of her every single time she was told the cancer hadn’t come back. It was incredible.

Zoey also spent the six months replanning her missed wedding.

Since she was comatose when the original date came up, everything had to be last minute canceled. Ryder and Poppy had done that, put everything on a postponement, make everything wait on an undetermined hold until they knew what was going on. Apparently, they weren’t even sure if they’d need to reschedule anything, if she lived or died. It was really touch and go for a little while. Once Ryder’s bone marrow was transplanted with her’s, and things settled out nice and healthily, they knew they’d get to reschedule everything.

All of it still had to wait for Zoey though, until they knew what was going on and when she’d be strong enough to do it. Thankfully, the transplant was a great success from start to finish. She didn’t reject any of it, her body accepted the whole procedure without a single issue. Her body ached and she was a little tired after tests and such, but everything slowly settled into a dull, calm lull that allowed them to do all the planning for the new wedding date.

Within a couple months, she was strong enough to plan things again. Most of it was phone calls, and only a couple in-person situation, since she needed to try the dress on again. Which had her worried, since last time she had her medical worries, but it was pretty uneventful. The dress didn’t even need to be tailored, the corset on the back pulled it in from the minor weight loss she had from being sick.

It was stupidly expensive to postpone anything, and they had to cut back on some details. Less flowers, less decorations, less things since some of the stuff had cancellation fees. It was cruel how many of the companies refused to waive the fees, even knowing what was going on and why they had to cancel. But they made it work, carefully and with extra planning, they figured out the details and everything went along without any more hiccups.

The final day before the wedding, she had one test to take. It was just another follow-up and happy report of the results, no cancer and no worries. She was perfectly set for the wedding and the honeymoon. Honestly, she figured said honeymoon was either canceled or postponed too, since the money was pinched horribly from the fees and such. But she wasn’t upset, either. She was cancer free thanks to her soon-to-be husband, and was still having a wonderful wedding with him. Now, thankfully, they had plenty of time to plan some sort of honeymoon or vacation later.

So, after the ceremony and reception, when they were settling into the limo to assumingly go home, she was more focused on taking off her shoes than where the limo was going or how long it took to get home. Her feet hurt so badly, and she was so very tired from all the fun and excitement. She couldn’t wait to stretch out in some sweats and curl up with Ryder. No doubt he was tired too, he had to be. They were both drained and relieved, ready to just enjoy their new life as husband and wife. Even as they were driving and talking, she was nodding off. She leaned so heavily into him, letting her cheek rest on his shoulder as she lulled in and out of being awake.

“Baby,” Ryder’s voice said softly, his hands on her back and touching up into her hair gently. “Wake up for a sec, Zo.”

“What?” She huffed, yawning and floundering slightly when she felt something thrust into her hands.

“Change so you’re comfortable, it’s going to be a long flight.” He grinned, the smile spreading ear to ear as she started to get more with it.

“Flight?” Zoey murmured, staring for a long second before she let him help her out of the dress and into the cozy sweatpants and hoodie. Nice and comfortable. “Flight where?”

“Hey, I told you I had a surprise honeymoon planned for you, babe.” Ryder winked, pulling her into a kiss before he stuffed everything they had on into the empty bag. “Poppy’s gonna pick up our tux and dress, so don’t worry about that. And I have a few bags in the back for the week, too.”

She was a little surprised, but she was so excited she just accepted it happily.

Zoey had wanted to keep awake so she could try and figure out where he was taking her, but the flight was long and his shoulder was so inviting. She just slept the entire way, snores muffled against him and body curled as much into him as she could get.

She was groggy as she was woken up, Ryder’s arm helping her along as they got off the plane. It wasn’t until the next morning that she finally pulled it together enough to figure out where they had gone. She was a little reluctant to leave the bed, between Ryder’s comforting arms and the bed being so soft and restful, but curiosity got the best of her.

“Oh my good Lord!” She nearly screamed as she pulled the blinds aside and looked outside. Rome, Italy. He took her to Rome, Italy! She couldn’t believe her eyes! It took her only a second to turn back to the bed, watching his sleeping form before she jumped on him and kissed him awake.

It was the last thing on her list, to visit Rome.

She wasn’t dying now, the list didn’t really matter- but he had planned it before that changed. He gave her the last thing on her list. He gave her everything, and only asked for a kiss in return.

Incredible.