Point/Counterpoint

Let’s Not Talk About the Weather vs. It’s Raining Fire Rocks

Point: Let’s Not Talk About the Weather

by Josh Lewin

Hi, Stephen! It’s great to see you!

I’m good. I’m good.

How are you?

No.

Please.

Come on. Can we please not talk about the weather? Please. Really. We’re better than that.

It’s the easiest thing to talk about. There’s no intellect required. It’s boring. We hardly ever see each other. Why would we want to spend this time together talking about the weather when we could talk about anything?

Literally anything.

The potential topics are endless: Shakespeare, the Amazon River, bowling, sustainable farming, D’Angelo, my foot fetish. And that’s just a few. The first thing that comes into your head. That’s infinitely more interesting than standing in front of each other and floating banalities about something we have no control over at each other’s faces.

Let’s make our time together worth it even if it only lasts a few minutes. We’ll never get this time back. Time is the most precious thing we have. Do you really want to spend it discussing the weather?

Weather is the Creed of conversation. Let’s dig into our beliefs. Let’s talk about the things that are bothering us. The things that we love and hold dear. The things that require close listening and honest reaction. That is conversation!

This is what happens every time you talk about the weather. You’ll casually mention how warm it is. I’ll agree. There will be an awkward pause. Then, one of us will say, “Umm. Yeah.” And the other will respond, “Well, it was great seeing you.” And then we’ll smile fake smiles at each other and promise to stay in touch even though our conversation made us angry at humanity for creating people so stupid. It will literally make me want to kick a cat down some stairs? Is that what you want, Dave?

No. I didn’t think so. So, let’s not talk about the weather.

How are things going with you?

Counterpoint: It’s Raining Fire Rocks

by Stephen Stewart

Dude, normally, I’d totally be right there with you. Talking about the weather is the worst. It’s an intellectual abyss.

But it’s raining fire rocks right now. Seriously, massive rocks bathed in flame are shooting through the clouds like cannon balls out of hell. And the clouds are fluorescent blue for some reason! How is there something else you want to talk about?

Also, do you want to step into my post-society cave dwelling? There are no homes anymore.

And listen, I agree with you 100%. Bringing up the weather is just a cop out. It says you’re either too stupid to have an original thought or too cowardly to tell the person you’re talking to you don’t want to talk to them. We should all be more honest. Society requires it of us.

But, three days ago all the dogs on earth just evaporated when that one bolt of lightning lasted for an hour. Remember that? I feel weird not bringing it up.

Plus, a giant mushroom just sprouted from the ground and exploded into an acidic mist, like, right over there. And now the dirt around where that mushroom used to be is boiling and melting trees. Like the dirt turned into a brown liquid, and now it’s boiling, and the trees are melting like that guy’s face at the end of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Seriously, I think you should get in here.

Normally, I wouldn’t even think of bringing up the weather. What kind of descent, free-thinking person willfully offers up the weather as a serious topic of conversation? I hate those people.

But give me a break. Just this once. The President’s dead. My wife was swallowed up by that 400 foot wave. How don’t you want to talk about that wave? That was crazy! It moved the Statue of Liberty to California. And then that magnetic storm whipped out all the TV and phones. There’s no more London! China is smoldering! My mom’s barely hanging on! The weather is all there is to talk about. It’s actually a pretty interesting topic these days! So don’t be such a dick about it, okay?!

Sorry about that. Got a little carried away. It’s a tough time for everyone right now.

Annnyyywaayy.

Ummm.

Yeah.

Well, it was great seeing you. Super glad we bumped into each other. Maybe we can grab some coffee sometime.