Office life can be hard. It can be harder when every article you read on Forbes is about how millennials will now have to work until they are 70 in order to retire comfortably. It can be even harder when you refresh the page and the number changes in front of your eyes; Sorry, you have to work till you’re 75 now.
After spending your weekend in the fetal position, simultaneously recovering from the weight of the work week you just finished and shielding yourself from the onslaught that awaits you on Monday, you rise from your cowered state with a steely resolve in your eye.
Click. Ding. A revelation. “I need to growth hack my career!” you say to yourself, not entirely sure of what any of those words mean.
So you go to LinkedIn and Medium for inspiration from real people (screw you, Forbes!) — writers and entrepreneurs and coaches and the like—and you start reading. A lot.
First, you learn the one trait Elon Musk, Steve Jobs and whoever the CEO of General Mills is all had, and kick yourself for not developing it earlier. I mean, c’mon! It was right there!
You learn about 20 job interviewing tricks to make sure you land your dream job. “Rad!” you say to yourself, punching your fist into the air—you just so happen to have a job interview next week! What a perfect chance to practice. You arrive, meet the hiring manager, and spend so much of your brain power trying to remember and implement the 20 tips that when the interviewer asks about your previous work experience, all you manage to blurt out is “um, the internet?” You don’t get a call back.
“I just need one more article,” you say to yourself, making less of an air punch this time around and more of what could be considered a depressed hi-ho gesture with your arm. But you’re not out yet. You click the first one you find. The cover image is of a young man and woman working on laptops in a European cafe. The title of the article is “Why You Should Travel More in Your 20s.” Your eyes spontaneously start bleeding.
Look. I get it. I’m with you, friend.
But do not fear! Don’t give up yet. I’ve compiled a list of articles guaranteed to lift you out of your slump and get you well on your way to the Professional Business Person Life you’ve always wanted to lead.
(Well, I should clarify: These may not be “helpful” per se, but they are #relatable. And most importantly, they are honest. Someone just has to write them first.)
- I Really Pushed it with Giving the Absolute Minimum Amount of Effort at My Job for the Last Six Months, and My Boss Rightfully Fired Me; What I Did Next Revived my Career
- The Real Reason All Of the World’s Most Influential CEOs Drive Teslas That Have Vanity Plates With the Word “HUSTLE” On Them
- 7 Alternatives to Making Small Talk with the Coworker in the Urinal Next to You When You’re Just Trying to Pee and GTFO
- 12 Words You Can Insert into Any Sentence to Make it Sound Like You Know What You’re Talking About; The First One is “Utilize.”
- Disrupt Your Daily Routine By Doing This One Simple Thing—It’s Called “Eating Three Bags of Cheetos at Your Desk Before 11am While Ignoring Every Email in Your Inbox”
- My 80-Hour Work Week Destroyed Every Meaningful Human Relationship I’ve Ever Had in My Life But the Money Helps Me Numb My Denial
- How to Deal With the Enduring Cognitive Dissonance of Wondering if You Picked Your Major Just Because it Was Easy or if it Was Something You Actually Wanted To Do, and Feeling Guilt for Not Challenging Yourself More in College, Yet You Don’t Even Have the Energy to Challenge Yourself Now So What Reason Do You Have to Believe You Ever Even Had it in You To Try Harder in the First Place
- This Unsplash Photo of a Closed Macbook Pro on a Desk Inspired Me to Quit My Job — You’ll Want to Do the Same When You See It
9. How to Make Money on Medium Writing Articles About How to Make Money Writing Articles about Writing on Medium for Money
10. My Career Took Off Once I Started Doing This One Thing; It’s Called “Interrupting Anyone Who Isn’t a Naturally Assertive Personality During Every Meeting I Participate In”
11. 17 Side Hustle Ideas for When You Want to Work So Much you Don’t Even Recognize Your Kids’ Faces When You Get Home at Night
12. What To Do When You and Your Coworker’s Hands Both Reach For the Fridge Door at the Same Time and They Graze Each Other in a Creepy, Uncomfortable Way
13. I Read One Gary Vaynerchuk Article on LinkedIn and I Now Own Three Pairs of Yeezys and 60% of Snapchat, Get Out of My Way
14. Here’s The Real Reason You Didn’t Get That Promotion You Wanted — It’s Because You’re Bad At Your Job And Overshare on Customer Support Calls Instead of Just Sticking To The Scripts, Janet
15. How to Get Up the Courage to Ask for That Raise You and Pretty Much All of Your Coworkers Know You Don’t Deserve
16. 5 Swear Words That Can Really Make an Impression in a Job Interview if You Time it Just Right
17. The Pros and Cons of Crying at Your Desk
18. Here’s a Life Hack For That Moment When You Realize You Haven’t Actually Ever Had a Full Conversation With that Coworker Who Sits Three Desks Away From in the Eight Months You’ve Been at the Job, Even Though You’ve Made Long-Enough-To-Be-Consequential Eye Contact a Few Times, And Now You Want to Introduce Yourself, But Eight Months is an Embarrassingly Long of a Time To Wait For You to Just Go Over and Introduce Yourself Like It’s No Big Deal, But You Can’t Just Not Say Something and Pretend Like You Guys Are Best Friends Because That’s Also Awkward, So You’re Kind of In Between a Rock and A Hard Place, Bud.
19. Why All the Best Business Ideas Come at the Company Ping Pong Table
20. To Cold Call or Not to Cold Call: The Definitive Answer to an Ages-Old Argument (The Answer Is “It Depends”)
21. Are We Living to Work or Working to Live? Watch Me Have an Emotional Breakdown in Real Time
22. The Rise of the Wendy’s 4 For $4 in a Gig Economy: Are Bargains the New Excess?
23. Say Goodbye to Reverse Ageism: Here’s How Our Applebee’s Executive Team Increased Our Facebook Ad Impressions And Won the Favor of Generation Z By Hiring an Actual 13-Year-Old Boy to Run Our Global Social Media Strategy
24. Burnt Out? I Mean, You Could Always Consider Just Not Going Into Work That Day and Seeing What Happens¯\_(ツ)_/¯
25. 10 Things My First Job Taught Me About How Far Employers Get to Stretch the Credibility of the Phrase “Strong Company Culture” in Job Descriptions Without Any Accountability Whatsoever
26. I Punched a Sales Guy For Calling Me “Chief” and “Big Guy” One Time Too Many; What I Did After That Made My Career What it Is Today
27. 17 Ways to Politely Tell Your Coworker “I Have Headphones In, Why Do You Keep Trying to Talk to Me?” Without Saying Those Exact Words
28. I Deleted All My Social Media and Then Immediately Re-Downloaded Them Upon Getting Hit With the Most Minor Feelings of FOMO That Same Evening, Feelings any Normal Human Could Have Managed Maturely With Without Issue. Here’s Why I Didn’t Grow at All as a Human Being From This Pretty Uneventful Series of Events.
29. Oh Sh*t, I Just Realized My Microsoft Outlook Hasn’t Been Connected to the Server All Day and I Missed Some Very Important Emails
30. I Applied for 89 Jobs and Got Rejected 89 Times. On the 90th…I Got Rejected Again. I Still Don’t Have a Job. Someone Hold Me.
Hi, I’m Seth! My favorite movie is Moneyball and my Wendy’s 4 for $4 order is a JBC (no mayo) with a Diet Coke. If you enjoyed this, you’re in luck —I’m going to be writing more stuff for you to read. If you hated this, please leave me a lengthy comment below; I will try my best to respond in three to five months.