5 Mistakes Almost All Black Friday Shoppers Make That Leave Them Empty-Handed, Battered, And Bruised

It’s all in the preparation… and one of these tips could save your life!

Today is Black Friday and people are out in droves to buy things that are guaranteed to improve their lives, such as big screen TVs, dresses they’ll never use, or a third pair of formal shoes they’ll never wear.

Here’s are the biggest mistakes Black Friday shoppers make.

They Move Too Slowly

Rookie Black Friday shoppers are a visible disgrace, simply plodding around from store to store without any evident targets. They casually browse, looking for a “sweet deal” on practical items. Veteran shoppers operate with the efficiency of a well-drilled SEAL team, on the hunt for targets, and a speedy way out — then move on to the next mission. Rookie shoppers should beware the SEAL family that prioritizes and executes their way through the store, taking down anyone that stands in their way.

They Only Buy What They Need

Rookie shoppers only buy what they need. Veterans are capable of anticipating their future cravings and needs. They are able to anticipate that they need a quadruple waffle iron come February, even when they never made a damn waffle in their life. At $29, the waffle iron was a steal anyways.

They Don’t Max Out Their Credit Cards

Forget paying off your credit card debt. Rookie shoppers are careful with their spending, but experienced shoppers know this is a huge mistake. Experienced shoppers know the point of Black Friday is to feel complete disgust about your fiscal irresponsibility. Experienced shoppers get their hands on new credit cards in preparation of Black Friday, prepared to bury themselves in a mountain of crippling debt for an exclusive $1500 Thingamajig™ that used to be $4000 because it’s a great deal.

They Don’t Train Martial Arts

When there’s a limited number of 70” TVs for sale at $249.99, fights are guaranteed to break out. Rookie shoppers show up to these fights untrained, and it’s their downfall. Experienced shoppers train for Black Friday like it’s a main event in the UFC. They are in the gym by August, lifting weights, hitting the assault bikes, and training multiple martial arts. A special focus is placed on arm locks, because arm locks are incredibly effective at making competing shoppers release products they are already holding.

They Don’t Use Child Labor

Although child labor is technically illegal, loopholes still exist within families. Force your kids or cousins to carry things to your car after you have completed a purchase. That allows you to make a run to the next store, increasing your chances of finding that next great product in the next store.

Keep these mistakes in mind for next year, and you’ll be better prepared for next year. Better keep some money for health insurance this year. You’re guaranteed to lose the fight.