Yelp Review Review #2: Ipsento

This is a review of a tiny coffee shop in Chicago. I decided to link to it instead of posting a screen cap, because it’s nine billion words long. It might be infinity words long, but I passed out while reading it and woke up in a desert with a vulture circling overhead. I think it’s so long it accidentally contains several novels.

Ipsento is a little coffee shop in a Chicago neighborhood called Bucktown, known for their quality coffee and sandwiches. Ryan M. eviscerates this toilet, this altar to wasted human potential, with the hilarious and apt skewer “Hipsento”, and its repetition is like Muhammad Ali beating the living fuck out of a child. “Hipsento. Hipsento. Hipsento.” Never had a chance.

Note the bizarre and almost-troubling-if-I-gave-a-shit correlation between one star reviews and the following: sarcastically lamenting the fact that the reviewer is not in his or her early 20s, sarcastically apologizing for not being a ‘hipster’, and not sarcastically speculating on employee life decisions.

If you don’t feel like weathering Ryan M’s fatuous glacier of a review, here are some choice quotes:

“Hey, not going to lie, Bucktown is pretty hip (but lets not kid ourselves Chicago, you are not Oakland, Portland, Seattle, Milwaukee, Wellington, New Zealand, or even Charlotte for that matter; you need some diversity and at least an apparent sense of outrage that this city is so horribly segregated, or acknowledgement of the lunacy that this city makes one sacrifice being outdoors for ½ of the year for the sake of showing off one’s hispter-fanhood when the sun finally comes out in May. Chicago, you have a long way to go).”

The places a reviewer has been are the most critical bits of information to include in a review. Who needs taste or a personality when you’ve sneered in places other than your house? Though I’ll admit it’s tough to be compared to cities like Oakland or Wellington. I don’t know why the reviewer added “New Zealand” in there, since everyone knows what and where Wellington is. You might know Wellington as the Jewel of New Zealand, the Milan of the Southern Hemisphere, The Better New York, or The City Ryan M Has Definitely Been To.

And just as Ernest Hemingway in real life was notorious in the monotony of repetition, Hipsento is now becoming notorious for the longest waiting time for a simple sandwich in Chicago.

Not only did this reviewer say what we were all thinking and pen this brilliant take down of famed idiot and all-around bore Ernest Hemingway, he did it with a bit of prose that I’m going to get tattooed on my face: “…notorious in the monotony of repetition”.

SUMMARY OF RYAN M’S REVIEW: “I had to wait too long for a sandwich. 1 star.”


Originally published at

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