Yelp Review Review Shorts: McDonald’s

Let’s begin by reflecting on the bitterly nihilistic mental contortions these people must engage in to make reviewing McDonald’s on Yelp seem like something other than a great reason to stare at their hands like the rock monster in Neverending Story and reflect on their lives. Just thinking a bad thought about McDonald’s is more effective than sacrificing your time to commit even a single keystroke to criticizing this company that is so large we will someday upload our consciousnesses into a galactic AI branded with the arches. Your criticism would be more effective if you wrote your grievance on a slip of paper, burned it, and then disappeared into the wilderness.

“It’s in a building, you know. A couple of ways in, a couple ways out. HVAC’s what you’d expect. Regular humans behind the counter, typical number of limbs. They’ll give you food if you ask them, and then give them some regular money.”

Listen, pal, you can act nonchalant, but you have 38 check ins. You not only shrugged your way into this place and leaned on the wall with your arms crossed or whatever at least thirty-eight times, but you took the time to check in each time.

3/5 STARS

All of the reviews I pulled are from a location near my house that got renovated. As far as I’m willing to research, which involved clicking on one 2003 era SEO-infected “answer” website, there are 124 other locations in the city of Chicago, which means there are hundreds more reviews like this. Few things separate us from the animals, but the most tragic is our awareness of the inevitability of death. What’s more human than staring that absurd inevitability dead in its uncaring eyes and decrying its injustice? What’s more human than the urge to mark the world, knowing it’s futile, and doing it anyway? I do question her decision to censor herself, though. I don’t think you need to worry about your readers’ sensibilities when you’re screaming into the void.

5/5 STARS

This is not a review of McDonald’s, this is a review of homeless people. I would have given it more stars if he had just been honest.

For context, this was back in 2011, when Chicago was controlled by the Soviets. Good English-speaking citizens waited years in the burger line and this reviewer had to endure the human rights violation of being in the same building as a homeless person.

4/5 STARS

Listen here, pal. I don’t need anyone to tell me how insane it is that I’m reading this. It’s like taking careful notes on Marxist criticism of Big Bang Theory fan fiction. But at least I didn’t write the fan fiction. Naming what you’re doing doesn’t breath purpose or life into the graveyard for human effort and freedom that is McDonald’s Yelp reviews any more than a murderer is less a murderer for screaming “ISN’T IT CRAZY THAT I’M KILLING THIS GUY” while stabbing some guy on the street.

2/5 STARS


Originally published at deepakmothra.tumblr.com.

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