I see a woman who had wonderful deeply personal relationships
full of adventures. I see an extremely brave person
who dug herself out of her abyss on the shoulders of those
who dared to love her and make her feel alive.
They were appropriate for where you were at that time.
Children from traumatic childhoods who had to parent their parents
get robbed of the normal progression of growing up.
You are burdened with adult responsibilities
before you have finished being a child.
You are robbed of ever feeling, fearless.
Your love experiences opened you into that childlike quality of fearlessness
of throwing caution to the wind, of thinking outside the box, of overcoming
the residual rigidness which accompanies traumatized children.
You were among your own kind.
The wounded but brilliant.
“I spent a quarter of a century ignoring my potential.
It’s better than trying and failing, right? “
You spent a quarter of a century surrounded by people
who were your surrogates, upon whom you practised
the art of how not to and how to achieve your own potential.
You were being guided by the wisdom of your authentic self
“that part of you struggling to get free”
You needed those stepping stones to free yourself
into being this amazing talent you were meant to be.
Be careful when the grass looks greener on the other side
— it means the water bill is higher
“I’ve dated polished, accomplished men. “
Be honest now.
Were they boring, self absorbed, working only from inside the box
lacking any spark of spontaneity, originality, bravery, foolhardiness
wearing ties with a white picket fence drawn on them,
making you want to scream from feeling hemmed into a limited life..
“But, they are not the ones I remember with tenderness
and with an ache in the heart. They are not the ones I loved.”
Your girlfriend is right, that love was a mirror to the feelings about yourself
which were put for safe keeping in “that part of you struggling to get free”
Find a way to get a hold of the
1976 two-part, four-hour American television miniseries
starring Sally Field and Joanne Woodward , Sybil.
If not available read the book by the same name,
but this would be one of those rare times
I would recommend the film version.
You will end up being very very very proud of your accomplishments
and of the “ ones you loved “
and of the amazing resilience of the human spirit.
You will cry, a lot and you will never be the same again.