You are not being accosted with unwanted advice because you are fat,
you are being accosted with unwanted advice because you are a woman.
If you were not so self absorbed and obsessed with the body you do not want, and with what others think of you, then you would know this by now.
Approach 100 women in the street and ask them
if they have been accosted with unwanted advice about their appearance.
You will get 350 yeses, because………
Every Woman Everywhere, Everyday, are accosted multiple times a day.
Here are some of the more common verbal assaults
which take a woman to task for not being perfect enough
and the unwelcome advice giver
is the walking solution to her imperfections.
( always from men when it is a stranger )
1- you would look so much prettier if you smiled
2- you need to wear skirts so I can see your legs
3 — you already look pretty enough you should wear a little less makeup
4 — you would look so much prettier if you wore a little more makeup
5 — you would look nicer with longer hair
6 — you would look so much nicer with shorter hair
7 — You need to let your hair down, wearing it in a bun like that
is not complimentary to your face and YES
- a complete stranger while saying this proceeds to grab for the bun
and start to undo it.
And if you think that cat calls and remarks
about how you can look more pleasing
are somehow of a lesser transgression, and create a lesser pain,
then shame on you for being so lacking in empathy
and shame on you for beings so narcissistic.
A friend of mine likes to play racquet ball by herself, creating her own goals.
She always went during the quieter times
so as to not take a court from the more serious competitive players.
Just minding her own business, so proud she finally reached a long sought out goal when a complete stranger opens the door,
enters her court and take the ball from her.
He — of course it was a he — proceeds to tell her how to play the right way
and make the ball go dead in the corner
so the opponent cannot get a shot at it.
How ironical since her goal was to keep the ball going for a whole session.
She asked him, in her regular sweet singsong voice
which everyone else admired,
if he would have done what he did
if she were a man.
He went ballistic, saying
“if he had known that she was such a bitch
that he would have never offered his expertise” and stormed out.
Bitch it is then, she told me, if it means I am left in peace
to pursue my own goals and not be offered unwanted advice.
Your “Fantastic trainer” ( as described by you ) said it was not about weight,
and instead of grabbing onto him like a lifeline
so that you could leave behind your obsession with weight
you doubled down.
“ I wanted to cry. He had seemed so nice, but he didn’t understand.
It did have to be about my weight.”
NO IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE ABOUT WEIGHT BUT IT IS ABOUT THIS
“I was failing to meet my deepest need: having a different body.”
You said: “In that way, concern hurts all of us.
For those who aren’t fat, it continues to feed that anxiety around becoming fat, the unthinkable possibility that always surrounds them.”
NO, NO, NO and NO again, this is you projecting your own obsession
Thin active people and fat active people, who are involved in something else
other than obsessing about their own body shape or what others think of it
do not obsess about avoiding getting fat at all
never mind obsessing 24/7 as you do.
You said: “if I were struggling with a health condition. But I’m not.”
BUT YOU ARE.
And depending on the kind of food you are eating
you could be both overweight and malnutritioned.
Heart problems, cardiovascular diseases, even the need for foot amputations,from Insulin resistant Type II Diabetes do not pop up overnight.
The measuring sticks doctors use to determine your current state of health
cannot predict when you will become diabetic
but depending upon how “fat” you are
and for how long you have been “ fat “
it is inevitable that you will end up with Type II diabetes
caused solely because of being too fat for too long.
So while you may claim that you are healthy now,
in reality you are in a state of health decline.
But you claim to be healthy, so if you believe that
then your only problem is how others perceive you
and their unwelcome advice
so, make yourself useful in places where people have real problems.
( since you claim to have none )
Volunteer at a soup kitchen, or at a children’s hospital
where toddlers are fighting to live while cancer ravages their bodies,
volunteer to rock preemies, and watch your heart break
as these sick children go through painful treatments
and multiple operations suffering for years,
only for too many times, to not make it.
Make a home visit to hold the hands of burn victims who are left so scarred
they can only go out at night fully covered
because people run from them screaming when they go out in public.
Then maybe you will see how your self absorption
and your narcissistic focus on you and — how others perceive you -
and your deepest need of — having a different body
is a very shallow way to live your life
and disentitles you from calling yourself a friend.
A friend whether thin or fat thinks of others
rather than obsessing as to what others are thinking of them.