Peculiar Thursday

Peculiar Thursday it is.

Somewhat I know for sure that today supposed to be lighter in the sense of knowing that weekend is coming in less than 50 hours. At least that’s the picture that I always get from my metropolitan friends back in my wild hometown, Jakarta. Not in my case. Living as I’ve been living as an Islander for more than two years now.

Every day is a light day even though your IT team fucked up your website which without that website you know your business will be dead.

Every day is a light day even though you are stuck on the main road for only 10 minutes — compared to your old place where stuck in traffic for 1 hour considered as a fine thing.

Every day is a light day even though your money was done two days before your payday.

You know that kind of hard stuff is never really be a hard stuff here.

But not this Thursday. Is it maybe because all the stuff happen at the same time? Your expectation from a guy to be more than just a normal friend after having a cuddly night. Your plan to go back to your hometown but then there is this job opportunity in a field that you really care and for the past two years unintentionally supporting it. Your thought that if I stay, that means you will hurt your mother because you already told her and she sounded super thrilled as thrilled as when I got accepted to the best university in my country. These are fucking happening at the same time.

Not a light Thursday indeed.

I was working. I looked at my watch — 3 pm. Somehow I just couldn’t concentrate. Besides- according to scientific studies -that hour is better used for some socializing activities instead of analytical activities. But I just couldn’t think straight and so many thick clouds in my head.

Was listening to the XX when it happened. I felt so emotional than usual. It just brings back India memory when I rode a camel and took the 9 hours train. And I don’t know, somehow I just hear the lyrics and not just the music. And it dragged me deeeeep deep down in my thought


Yep. I need to go somewhere to calm this shit down.

Luckily, I no longer lived in Jakarta where maybe to cope with this situation I might go to a coffee shop to witness the traffic that happens beautifully in the afternoon with the high pitched honk and the swearing words from the road runner as the soundtrack.

Luckily, I’ve been living in Ubud. One of the most relax+beautiful places in the whole world where THE ONLY option to calm yourself down is going to the rice paddy area to let your thought sink. What a bad choice.

So, I closed my laptop grab my bag and my Polaroid and my headset and get my playlist ready.

As I am driving through the super annoying 2 minutes traffic jam (ungrateful bitch), I finally can ride my scooter again- free-ly.

For those who never actually drive a scooter in this kind of place, let me tell you something. Driving scooter can be very relaxing as well. With all the trees surround you, and Danilla’s songs in your earphone — it’s a very goddamn relaxing way.

Don’t go too fast because you are not in a hurry. Just drive around 30 km/hour. I know it’s slow, but people won’t mind. People won’t honk even if you are too slow. No one rushes you. Take your time.

Don’t go to fast because you might lost the funny scenery surround you. Like the monkeys that scratching their balls, or the giant leaves that just fall from the trees or the smile of the taxi drivers who are looking at you while you’re driving (not sure if their being creepy or what but just enjoy that and smile back! because why not!).

please don’t say we’re done when I’m not finished. I could give so much more. The more I see I understand that sometimes I still need you.

Says Romy and Oli as I am driving through Penestanan area. The lyrics that quite powerful for me and sometimes makes me think about the things that I don’t want to think. ‘How are you? Hope you are doing fine and having so much fun while traveling the world. I hope everything goes well and you’re not stressing out. Missing you x’ haha fuck you Romy and Oli but thanks.

4 p.m — freaking hot. Not really a golden hour just yet but it the sun ray makes a very nice contrast and makes a very beautiful lighting for this rice paddy area.

Changing my song to Bonobo ft. Rhye — Break Apart. The very very genius yet amazing yet incredible duet.

It’s hard to take all of this hate
It’s hard to take all of this hate, ooh, this hate.

Started to find out what would be the main problem of this peculiar Thursday. Job opportunity is not that bad- maybe you think of it to add more drama. Thinking not to go back to Jakarta is not either — I don’t miss that place that much. I’m doing super fine here. O let’s not deny this one, it must be because of that guy — the fool who dreams.

This thick cloud appears from the burden of anger that caused by him. The expectation and assumption that appears in your mind make it worse. My first mistake here is I assume that everyone is like my past but no, he is an amazing guy, and I couldn’t feel more grateful that I got to know him. But no, not everyone is like him. The second mistake here is the expectation. Damn, I personally think that expectation is really really dangerous. It’s like a disease. That wise guy is right, lower your expectation to get a higher peace of yourself. Expectation defeated me and affected me so much. Not good.

What’s in your mind right now?

I feel so bad for myself right now. I let this affect me and I kind of hate myself because I let my lust affect this friendship. If I knew that this thing will happen — I would not do that. Regret happens. I’m sorry Kin, I forgive myself.

I feel so bad for myself right now because this thing hold me back for being my usual self. I’m sorry Kin, I forgive myself.

Now what?

Just let things up in the air will not gonna make things better. It will make the expectation get worse and worse and it will affect you more. So let’s just start the talk because why need to wait for him to start if you can start first?.

6th song already. Feist told me to Let It Die. Every lyric speaks loud to me.

Let it die and get out of my mind

We don’t see eye to eye

Or hear ear to ear

Don’t you wish that we could forget that kiss

And see this for what it is

That we’re not in love

The saddest part of a broken heart

Isn’t the ending so much as the start

It was hard to tell just how I felt

To not recognize myself

I started to fade away

And after all it won’t take long to fall in love

Now I know what I don’t want

I learned that with you

Holy God. I feel so relieved. As I started to feel more relieved, my shoulder feels so much lighter, something weird happens — I started to feel more sensitive to my surroundings. I pressed the pause button for my music, and just start to listen to the music of nature. The rice paddy, the water, the bugs, the working farm gentleman, beautiful. The orchestra of the silence nature.

You are fine now. Let’s go back. Pressed the play and shuffle button and found that Bonobo is there to take me back with Kerala.