Over the week I was very sick. I was vomiting non stop from 5AM to 3PM. My mom was a mother. She cared for me, brought me medicine, made sure I was constantly okay.
It took me getting that sick for her to be a mom. After that day my mom said to me that I am so stubborn and hard headed that I have to learn the hard way and that she told me from the beginning to get tested for allergies which as an adult who understands life, I’ve known this entire time.
Then I had to explain that even with insurance there are costs and I literally have 0 dollars to my name. I shouldn’t have to explain anything. Then to top it she guilt tripped me and commented that I hardly call. Then she danced around her issue with me not getting back to her texts immediately. I’ve made it clear I don’t want the phone, she pays for it, and I don’t want it.
I came to a semi conclusion: I had to be puking my guts out and be so weak I couldn’t walk more than 10 feet for my mom to not say “I” 10 times in 60 seconds and that I simply want to not depend on her for anything. I’m not happy being around her. She guilt trips and it’s pathological. She is so self absorbed it’s pathological. Nothing I do is going to be good enough for her and I didn’t believe it for a long time. I think “No! She’s not like that. She’s very proud of me” and she is. But that doesn’t change that she constantly asks for things, constantly whines, and constantly needs someone to tell her that she’s a good mother or for someone to make her feel wanted.
I hope I get out of school soon or get a really good job and be completely financially dependent because I never want to have to depend on her for anything.
What really sucks is that my Dad also has issues. He has to be taking care of everyone and it’s not fair. He has an incredibly short temper. He takes abuse and states “it’s just a joke” and sees abuse towards others and thinks nothing of it, that nothing is wrong.
I’m between wanting to be there for my dad and wanting to make my life and my dad completely takes care of me. All I can do is work harder to find a job and get out of school. I honestly want to get away from ever having to go back to my parents house which makes me feel like I can’t breath.
Sometimes I don’t know what to do and if I’m being too judgmental. I need to focus on the facts of the matter.