having higher standards for myself

i don’t know how to advocate for myself.

i’m currently working a full-time internship, monday through friday, 9 to 5 for $500 this month. granted, the business is closed because of lockdown, and they’re working on new business strategies to keep afloat; plus, most people got paycuts. i understand the situation, but i’m not sure that the work i’m doing/going to do is worth a mere $3 an hour. i graduated from college and have two years of professional work experience in my field. i should not be content with this current gig, yet i accepted it. because i don’t know how to ask for more.

i like what the job entails, and i have a lot of good ideas already. i’m devoted to the company and the people involved, and i get that this is a testing period to see how much i am worth and to show what kind of work i can produce. it just sucks that i can’t stand up for myself and demand more for and from myself, especially at this time.

my mom said that i’m destined for more, that i always sell my self short. she thinks i could have gone to a better college and gotten a better paying job. she thinks i settle. i mean, she’s sort of right. i didn’t apply to ivy league colleges because i thought i didn’t belong there, that i wasn’t smart enough…with my 4.02 gpa. i never dreamed of having a fancy job as a businesswoman or consultant or doctor because i didn’t think it suited me, that i would fail…even without trying. i dated guys who were average because i thought that’s what i deserved, that i couldn’t get anyone “out of my league.”

i’m not upset about the choices i made or even about taking this internship. it’s all still experience and something i can work on to get me to the next step.

however, this situation and my mom’s comments are making me realize that if this doesn’t work out (i.e. become a full-time position with better pay, which is the hope), then i need to approach things with a different mindset. i need to stop belittling myself. i need to realize that i am capable of anything and learn to stand up for myself. i need to raise my standards for myself and the people in my life. that’s how i’ll take the next step, instead of waiting for one in the future.