How and when to find a single fuck to give

ie. You will never find an article with more swears than this one

Picture this. It’s Monday morning.

Naturally you’re depressed because you work in an office or the place where your soul goes to die as I like to call it. You’ve got a mean case of the Mondays which is depressing you even more because that’s a thing you say now. Your incompetent underqualified superior comes to you demanding that super important thing that was due like yesterday and where are you on the bajillion other pointless projects and blah blah blah.

It’s true you may be tempted to give a fuck in this situation seeing as your job pays the bills and all. But let’s be real. They aren’t paying you to give any fucks. You are paid to have your life-force sucked out by the system but that doesn’t mean you need to give away your fucks willy nilly.

Go ahead, look in your desk drawer. Pick up that mug with that uplifting inspirational quote on it. Do you see any fucks in that drangle drawer? Under that mug full of gross old coffee because you can’t actually get up from all the shit piled on top of you to refill it? The answer is nope, there are no fucks in sight here. Better get back to delivering that half-assed busy work to that tyrant douche of a boss, all while giving absolutely zero fucks.

Or how about this:

While allowing your drunk and hungry self to be distracted by the alluring glow of a local late night diner you crash your bike into a city garbage can. You may think to yourself oh man a fuck definitely fell out somewhere between my dignity and the contents of my purse which are now all over the road. You gather yourself in a collected manner, maybe laughing it off along with the cool kids who are always just hanging out in front of this diner like they have no homes of their own.

Realize that you are still fabulous as you hop back onto your bent up Raleigh off into the night towards another adventure. You see there’s just no time to give a fuck in this scenario. Rest assured the diner kids are watching you ride away with pride, taking drags of their cigarettes and thinking “wow, that girl is so out of fucks to give it is awesome.”

Or on this occasion:

Minding your own business trying to get from A to B while owning a vagina, a man feels the need to approach you in the street as is his God given right to harass any vagina bearing human he sees. He may say something like “hey gorgeous” which really just translates to “hey walking sex object, stop what you’re doing and give me a literal fuck please”.

You being a busy woman with absolutely not a one single fuck to give is put in the awkward position of having to let this expectant fellow know exactly how many fucks you have, which is none. A handy let down would go something like “I’m sorry sir but I am simply fresh out of fucks to give today and everyday for the rest of your life and mine”. Walk away head held high and preferably with your hands in the air to displace any suspicion that you may be hiding a fuck in one your pockets.

In writing this I realize maybe you’re looking for a case where you actually give a fuck. I can tell you a few places where you might be able to find one. You can look in the laundromat where all your underwear were stolen that one time. You can have a peek under your ex’s couch that you puked all over that one carefree summer. Maybe you’ll find one in the overpriced cafe you go to on the regular; the one where everyone working there is inflicted with permanent stank face but they have such a good vegan BLT you can’t resist going back every time.

But really, is it worth it to go out of your way looking for a fuck to give?

Take it from me because I’m such a good role model and you should listen to everything I say even though I’m not your real mom. Treat your fucks like Willy Wonka’s golden tickets. Give too many away and you’ll wind up with a ragtag collection of annoying and overall shitty little feelings you have kill off one by one in some twisted confectionery style battle royale.