An open letter to the second girl that broke my heart

I met you, on December 31st 2013, in a nightclub in the middle of Amsterdam. I had only got the chance to speak to you for a minute, before your friend whisked you off. You left a sweet taste in my mouth. I don’t know what it was. But you hooked me. I was eager to know more. There was just something about you. I chased you the whole night, until we were finally alone. The chase had paid off. We exchanged numbers and I slept round yours a few days later. And then a few weeks later, I spent a weekend at yours. A few weeks later, I spent another weekend at yours. And then, the following week, you moved to Mexico. 2 weeks later, I moved. Then it all changed…

3 months later after exchanging messages after I moved to Hamburg, I told you that I had 1 regret. And that regret was not telling a previous girl how I felt. That regret haunted me, because I didn’t know what that could have led to, had I just been honest about my feelings. I wasn’t about to make the same mistake twice. I was honest with you. I came clean. I told you that I adored you. I told you that I love to see you again. That I would pay for the travel costs, that I’d treat you like a Queen; and you know what, I meant every word of it.

Your reply was supportive, honest, appreciative and most importantly, realistic.

You said you’d like that, and you gave me a time frame of when this could potentially happen (despite it coming in a message 2 weeks later).

Late July — October I believe was the time frame. Come see me in Hamburg or wait until I’m back at university in September. You mentioned you wanted to return to Mexico and, I quote

“That a deep, serious relationship and children is where I’m heading soon. I won’t compromise on that anymore.”

The thought of having kids at the age I was, even my age now, is just terrifying. I’m absolutely not ready, nor do I want to compromise my youth to start a family early. With this said however, I would have, if it meant being with you. I was completely out of character when I was with you. I was completely, and utterly enamoured by you. I would have done anything for you. The thought of having you as mine, warmed my insides. It really did.

Previous to your reply however, in our exchange of messages you had mentioned that you had been ‘tentatively seeing someone’. I accepted that. I knew you had every right to, but it hurt. My heart sank, and that was when I knew, I needed to get my feelings off my chest. And I did

We didn’t rush into things. Messages over that summer were scarce. We spoke every other week or so. Albeit they were very lengthy messages. But I didn’t mind, as long as I got a dose of you. As long as I got to interact with you.

Weeks went by, as did the messages, until something happened. I was again, being honest with you. Telling you how I felt, when you misinterpreted my message; and you thought, I was asking you to be my girlfriend straight up. Now, I wasn’t, because I’m aware of the complications and how difficult it would be. I’m not that naïve. But you sort of, brought me down a peg, kept me grounded. At the time I was a bit gutted. But after some heavy thinking, I thought you may have read my message wrong. So I corrected myself, and things were back to normal. If anything, I felt, more alive. I was more excited, because you said this exact sentence.

“I would really love to come see you in Hamburg, and will try. I’m completely open to the idea of exploring future potential with you”.

You mention that you were wanting to go back to Mexico. Which was fine, because I had university coming up in a few months and I needed to concentrate on that. But when that finishes in 9–10 months, who knows. I’ll be free and maybe you’ll be the same. But as you said, future potential. To me, that says there’s a chance. You seemed to like me, and I know I liked you, so why not see if it can happen. I told you that I didn’t want to waste your time with a relationship that only lasts like 4 months. I wanted to do this properly. I wanted to give it a proper good go. I was fully committed.

“we were fbk messaging and you were joking that your dad asked if you were speaking to your girlf… and you said you told him, straight up and simple, ‘not my girlfriend’. Now, I know we talked about it and how it was best we stayed friends etc, but that sorta stung. I felt sad about it. I’ve been intimate with guys before who would then turn around and say pretty much that, and it would always be a slap in the face.”

You mentioned that you had been keeping a secret from me. Something family related. Something you referred to as ‘The scientific thing’. Which is totally cool. But you were drip feeding me this information, and not telling me, because you wanted to do it over Skype. Yeah sure, I understand. We both know what that Skype was about. We skype, and you tell me that you wanted to donate your eggs to your infertile cousin so that she could finally have a child of her own. A truly beautiful cause and one of the best donations anyone could make.

But for me, in that very moment, I just shrugged it off and compressed it, then stored it in the back of my head. Until it started to nag. It started to infiltrate my thoughts. Forcing me to truly think about it, again. So I did. I came to the conclusion that for me, I couldn’t continue with this pursuit of a relationship with you. I didn’t like the fact that if we were to go all the way and start a family, as you mentioned, my children would affectively have a sibling somewhere. I’m not going to get too much into this, but I told you how I felt about it, and my reasons. I told you, that I fully support this donation and that I’m with you, as a friend. But I couldn’t take it any further because for me, it’s too painful. Not to mention that we had different views on it. I’d want my kids to know this information, but you didn’t. So I told you, over skype, that I couldn’t continue. I told you that the decision hurt, because of how much I liked you, but I felt that I couldn’t go through with it.

I also told you, about my last girlfriend, in the same skype. The fact that she was raped a few days before coming up to see me. I went to see her, to take care of her until she was fit and well again. Then after 3 days of being there, I found out that she had cheated on me 3 times. She was the first girl that broke my heart. I told you, that I wasn’t whole when I met you. I said, I should have had a guard up, but with you, I just didn’t. I felt calm and at ease with you. I felt appreciated and I felt safe. I told you that this is why I liked you so much. Because you have this gentle soul, that just felt united with mine. I felt complete when I was with you. It was no easy decision to end it, but I felt like it was the best option. I had no regrets, I told you how I felt, and it came to this. But ultimately it wasn’t to be.

Instead of accepting my views and agreeing it’s best as friends. You did the opposite. You fought for me. You gave me your thoughts, and you talked to me; and you told me, that you liked me. It didn’t take long, but you had won me over. I wanted you again. 3 days or so deliberating, asking myself “what do I want? What’s the best option here?” and being absolutely certain that’s what I want, it was changed in a matter of minutes. There we were, back to square one. A potential meet up on the cards.

We stayed in touch, weeks went by and it turned out that you couldn’t come see me in Hamburg, but you wanted to come see me at university. A month, some more messages and a few skypes later, you’re here. I’m actually holding you. My heart is pounding. I’m absolutely ecstatic and thankful. 8 months it’s been since I last seen you in person. You arrive on the Monday night and you left on the Thursday afternoon. 4 days we spent together. 4 wonderful, amazing days. We went to coffee shops, we watched movies, I made you dinner, and I took you for a romantic Italian dinner before heading out for drinks and to finish the night off, we went partying in a night club. Those were probably the 4 best days I had ever had. My honesty paid off. I got you here and we had an amazing time.

Despite doing some lovely things together, there’s 2 things that really stick with me now. The first thing is when you start talking about polyamorous relationships. Talking about how some of your friends are in them, how they like them, how they promote trustworthiness and all that jazz. We were lying on me bed, facing each other. Both on our sides. A very intimate moment, when you asked, what I thought about it. I just said I didn’t know. I said I didn’t know because I didn’t really want to get into it. I knew I could never do it. I don’t do love triangles, or love squares or whatever. I’m a 1 woman man and that’s all I need. I don’t need multiple lovers, or wives or girlfriends. But that was that. The conversation ended and we moved on. I think we may have had a nap or something, I honestly can’t remember.

The 2nd thing, was the day you were leaving. We were lying in bed, and you had your head on my chest. You began to make an odd noise, and when I looked down, you were crying. You had tears rolling coming down your cheeks. I comforted you, and did everything I could. And you just said “I’ve had such a wonderful time with you”. That’s about as much as I can remember. I made you feel better, you stopped crying and we got on with it. I t was a special moment for us. We shared it. A few hours later. You were gone. You left me at the train station. You started your 5 hour or so journey home, whilst I walked for 15 minutes back to my flat. Where I walked in, locked my door and burst into tears.

The evidence of our intimate few days together, surrounded me. Which wasn’t made any easier by the fact that you had left some of your belongings. Tights, hair clips and ear rings. It was a difficult few days once you left, but I had to get on with it. For the sake of me and my education. I was missing you. And that visit was what made me fall in love with you. You ticked boxes that I didn’t even know that I had.

A few days later, something really stood out to me. I noticed was you refused to be tagged in pictures with me? You were tagged in pictures with your friends both before and after you came to see me. But you declined the tagging of pictures with me. Why? Whom are you hiding me from? I didn’t bother bringing it up, but I noticed it, and it stung.

We kept in touch. Talking every day from when you left, for maybe a month, and then it quietened. Every couple of days, and then to once a week. It got to my birthday, as we both know, is in November. Remember when we used to joke about how we got along, because we were both Scorpio’s? I do. Well it was my birthday, and you sent a lovely message. Something along the lines of how you’re so happy that we’re in each other’s life and what not. It was a message that made me smile from ear to ear. I felt so appreciated, special and wanted, I was just so thankful for it. Exactly a week later, I sent you a birthday message. You replied with a picture of yourself, and the caption “Birthday girl kisses to you”. There may have been some kisses in there, I can’t remember.

A month and a half later. It’s New Year’s Eve 2014. One year to the day that we met. You sent me a message, saying, “Thinking of you today”. A few hours later, you sent me one saying, “Happy new year, this time last year ;)” Which was of course, round about the time we were chatting. I of course appreciated the messages. I was flattered and grateful that you were thinking of me. Because if I’m honest. I was thinking about you all the time. All day and I wasn’t sure if I should send a message or not; but you did so that’s alright.

Not a lot happened over the following month. Messages yeah sure, but February was when it all changed. We skype on Valentine’s Day. 1 year, 1 week and 2 days after we initially went our separate ways. Me to Hamburg and you to Mexico. We skype, we talk, and you tell me. That since November, you’ve been in an open relationship with another man. Or men, I don’t know. But you sit there, with a smile on your face, telling a boy, whom absolutely idolises you; that you’ve been in a relationship with another man. All whilst you send him heartfelt, personal and loving messages. A boy that has put his heart on the line, to win you over. A boy that has been nothing but honest from the word go. A boy that was willing to compromise his youth, to be with you. A boy that accepted this ‘Scientific thing’ because he wanted you. I sit there, listen to this, smiling through gritted teeth, whilst my heart sinks deeper and deeper and deeper. You’re sitting there, telling me that you’re relationship with this man was built on trust, and that you needed to be honest with each other. But, where was the honesty with me? You’re honest with him, but not with me? Bit hypocritical isn’t it?

You then say, last week, you broke up. You could see it on my face. You knew I was feeling something. You even asked. You asked how I felt. I brushed it off, I said I was fine, seeing as I was heading out with friends and didn’t want to feel down. So again, I compressed it and stored it in the back of my mind. You must have known that this would have hurt me?

This is almost a parallel. You tell me something, I don’t like it, so I take a few days to think it over. Except this time, my head takes over. The heart takes a back seat. I am not happy. I’m livid. Seething in fact. But I’m also disappointed. Most of all though, I’m heart broken. Absolutely heart broken. A girl that I absolutely fell in love with, the first girl that I fell in love with; breaks my heart. The second girl to do so. A girl that I felt was honestly, one of a kind. Unique. Beautiful. Talented.

Loving, affectionate, passionate, caring and most of all, honest. Were just some of the qualities that you possessed. These were the reasons why I fell in love with you. You knew, where I was before we got to this point. You knew about my past relationship experiences, you knew I needed honesty and you knew just how much I liked you. Yet, you felt, that it was better to not tell me that you seeing someone. But something doesn’t ring true here, because last summer you mentioned that you had been ‘tentatively seeing someone’. So if you can tell me that, why couldn’t you tell me this?

In hindsight, I felt like you were kind of asking for my permission when we were lying down together. I think you knew you were going to try this open relationship and you were asking if I wanted to be part of it. But instead of actually doing it, when it was about to happen/already happening. You just dragged me along. Kept me warm, as a sort of back up. As an option, just in case it didn’t work. Hey! It didn’t work out with MR.X, but at least I’ve still got Stranger. Someone whom wears his heart on his sleeve and will move heaven and hell for me. Something I told you I would do.

So I send you this message. I took almost a week to write it because my mood was constantly changing. As you can probably imagine. Being hurt, angry and heartbroken isn’t easy. So some parts I wrote when I was angry, some parts when I was hurt and so on. But I rewrote it, and structured it when I was shall we say, in a ‘mellow’ state of mind, so that it was easier for you to digest. And I sent you it.

And to be frank. Hand on my heart that, was to date, my biggest regret.

I was so deeply in love with you, that I couldn’t bear to have you leave my life. The thought of you not being in my life anymore was sickening. I loved you. I honestly did. I knew I couldn’t continue after that. I needed to end it. But my regret was rewriting my message, because I let you off the hook. I let you off lightly and it hurts so much, that to this day, I’ve spent more than a year, as an emotional, heartbroken, defeated man. Going to sleep is terrifying, because you’re there. No word of a lie, for more than a year, every night I thought about you before I slept. Every. Night. Waking up is just as bad, because you’re there. My mind wanders, and it finds you. I check social media, and my heart begins to pound, because you’ve changed your profile picture. I get anxious just for logging in, just in case you’re there.

I wish I told you. I just wish that I told you how I felt on that day. How small, and insignificant you made me feel. You made me feel unwanted and like I wasn’t good enough. Let’s not forget here, it was you that said, you wanted a deep meaningful relationship and children. Not me. It was you that said, you didn’t want to compromise on it any longer. Not me. But apparently, an open relationship is? I was committed to you, because you didn’t want a 4 month relationship that doesn’t lead to anything. But, for whatever reason, this man, was worth 4 months of your time, but I wasn’t? I would have done anything for you. I’d like to think, that I treat you like a queen. But all I got in return, was……that?

How could you? How could you do that to someone? How could you tell someone that they’re this and that, keep in touch with them, tell them that you’re open to future potential with them, and just treat them like an option. You were my priority. Yet, all I was, was just another option, just another man to you.

It’s ridiculous, because you had sent me this message just after I moved to Hamburg, 9 months ago.

“we were fbk messaging and you were joking that your dad asked if you were speaking to your girlf… and you said you told him, straight up and simple, ‘not my girlfriend’. Now, I know we talked about it and how it was best we stayed friends etc, but that sorta stung. I felt sad about it. I’ve been intimate with guys before who would then turn around and say pretty much that, and it would always be a slap in the face.”

And you’re saying you’re hurt because I said you weren’t my girlfriend. I just don’t have anything to say…Imagine how I felt when you drag me into a relationship unwillingly and then drop me when I say I don’t like it.

You know what hurts most of all though. It was the fact that when I sent you the message, you came back, gave me some awful ‘spiritual’ excuse about how we need to give love into this beautiful world because our hearts and souls give off infinite energy and love and yadda yadda yadda; and you didn’t even fight for me. You just said, yep, it’s time to be friends, all the best, and see you later. You then go on to say something ridiculous like, we never said we would meet up again. Yet, it was only Christmas that you had said you would be back in June, and that I should hold onto your belongings for ‘When’ I see you next. Not If. When. Yet, apparently we never had an arrangement.

But anyway. I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want to lose you. So I said, let’s stay friends. And we ended ‘on good terms’.

Something changed. In 6 months, something changed. You were still the one and only thing that I truly wanted. You fought for me once, but second time round, I wasn’t needed. I was of no use. You had someone else now. That’s what hurt. I never mattered to you. Everything you said, was a lie. I’m not anything you’ve said I am. I look back, and think about our time together. When you would say things, and compliment me. I now look back, and question whether you were telling the truth.

I let you off lightly. You can live in this world. All hunky dory, not a care in the world, not knowing that you broke someone’s heart and more than a year later, they’re still in bits over it. That hurts. Whilst I’m living with my parents, you’re out, with your friends, enjoying life. Our episode is over, you don’t need to go revisit that. But I’m stuck. Stuck in that moment. That deep hole that you put me in. I will never, forgive you for this. I told you, I’d always remember you and I will. But for the wrong reasons. So well done, you crushed a man that was already broken.

2015 was a strange year for me. I finish with you, I graduate, and win a few personal awards. Should have been a great year, but it’s sort of, dampened by my horror story with you. Building up to our birthdays, I was beginning to get very anxious. Will you say happy birthday? Will it be a message? Will it be a wall post? Will you ignore it? Well it turns out you do say happy birthday. But it’s a passive message in the form of a wall post. After everything we’ve been through. You don’t even have the decency to send me private message and talk to me. Coward. Needless to say, I didn’t return the favour. Not sure if you noticed.

I’m posting this, the day before I move to a new country, to start my dream job that I have worked tirelessly for. It’s now the 30th of April, 2016. A year and 2 months since we last spoke. And it still hurts as much as it did back then. So here I am. Still standing. Held together somehow. I’m going to shed this skin, reinvent myself and use you as my foundation, to spring myself into the life that I want. I don’t know what I’ll get rid of this pain. I don’t know when you’ll be gone but I hope its soon.

One of the things you told me was that I should be a writer. You really encouraged me. Well, here I am. Writing my first every post on any website, ever. And it’s an open letter to you. The girl that broke my heart — L

I’ll leave you with a one of my favourite quotes, from one of my favourite people.

“Honesty, is the best form of kindness” — MPW

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