So here is how it goes,

You start a new job at a coffee shop, a place that lives in the realm between Starbucks and that place on your block you go to get a six dollar iced latte. And you are strangely not nervous because you know if you don’t over think it, it’s really not that hard.

And one day as you are tying your apron around your waist, your co-worker with an old fashioned name smiles at you when you make a joke. And you didn't really notice him before because he mumbles and kind of slouches along. But when he smiles, his entire face lights up. So now you are plagued by how to be charming and desirable and appropriate all at the same time when you work with him because every interaction is precious.

And when he walks by he leaves the slightest trail of cigarette that makes you just want to fall in line behind him and follow him home. And when he looks at you you know that there is no way he makes eye contact like that with anyone else, right?

And you can almost feel it. The hand he places on the small of your back as he brushes past you in the basement. So lightly you doubt it really happened.

And you feel the jolt that goes through your body when he pushes you slowly against the concrete wall and the carton of plastic lids drops from your hands and spills everywhere, surrounding you both. He cradles your face with his hands and you begin to glide your fingers up the back of his shirt, and you catch his reaction, a flicker of a smile, before you close your eyes and he kisses you.

But really. The only time you speak is when you two pass each other and he asks if you remembered to clock in or can grab a refill of condensed milk from the walk in? And you reply with a casual “of course,” but in a way that says I will get this milk for you but could you also put your hand up my skirt?

And then you stay up at night wondering what to do. Why not just go for it? You’re young, and this job isn't permanent, and he isn’t your boss, not technically. You’re hot! You have been making an effort to do this recently, to view yourself in a positive way.

But then you think what is wrong with you? Have you no self-control? This poor guy, having no say that he is the object of your never ending affection because you just really need an outlet. You have really never been touched by a man the way you wanted.

And you are riding the train to work and watch through the window as the clouds flash by in between the black lines of electricity. You cross the tracks keeping your head down, walking your shortcut to work that only the workers of this neighborhood know. You absentmindedly drag your hand along the hot metal fence and suddenly you pass him and almost miss him. But you both take out your headphones and say hi, but that’s it. There is no more time. And you keep walking.

And with that your day begins, like every other, as you crack your knuckles and start to roll that god damn rock up the hill once again.