How a Hate Crime Ruined My Life, then I Fought Back — and Won!
My story as a classical musician facing the loss of my number one passion in life (including specific commentary from world-leading Conductors — Emeritus Professor of the University of Salford and International Chair of Brass Performance at the Royal Northern College of Music (United Kingdom), David King, and Adjunct Professor of Conducting and Brass Performance at the Queensland Conservatorium of Music, Russell Gray)
BECOMING A STATISTIC — “JUST ANOTHER GAY-BASHING”
I lived in the leafy suburb of Norwood in Adelaide, just five minutes from the CBD. It was Christmas Eve 2009, and I was tipsy from after-work drinks. Later in the evening, I decided to go out for a few more drinks before midnight and the arrival of Santa! I phoned a few venues where I was a regular to ask what the vibe was like, but they were closed. I got a taxi to Adelaide’s nightclub strip, Hindley Street, and went to a well-known nightclub.
I went to get a drink, and I saw two guys who were staring at me. Let me be clear that this was not a gay club, and these guys were not looking at me amorously. They were malevolent in their stance and fixation. Their faces were twisted (in disgust). They followed me as I walked through the club.
I felt very uneasy but didn’t realise when “enough was enough.” I had a few more drinks, and the guys didn’t let up. Eventually, I thought severe trouble was brewing and how “bang on” I was. I left the club, went down the stairs, and walked quickly towards the taxis closer to King William Street in the centre of the CBD.
All of this information took many weeks to come back to me. Although the doctors in the ER were adamant that I had been assaulted, I was flummoxed and couldn’t remember anything before or during the attack at that time: I remember correctly from that night being conscious, bleeding profusely from the face, enduring excruciating pain, especially “around my mouth and jaw,” and that I thought I had fallen over (“drunk”) and/or had a seizure.
The truth of the matter is that the two guys from the club had followed me and bashed me. The Police had footage of them following me, but unfortunately not of the attack, and, of course, due to my intoxication, I was not a reliable witness.
In any event, I knew it was a “gay bashing” because I knew the more intoxicated I became, the more “camp” I became (which is not a crime). Undoubtedly, I was a social butterfly in the nightclub, and I also remember dancing with some girls whilst the guys were staring. Overall, the looks on their faces during my time at the club exposed their homophobia.
Once the memories returned, they were lumped together with all my other complex PTSD problems. It hit me like a freight train when I realised I had been so viciously attacked, but even worse, I was attacked because of my (perceived) sexuality. That was profoundly traumatic and upsetting. The certainty that it was a “hate crime” (along with the opportunistic theft of my phone) hit me harder than some of the “objectively worse trauma” I had previously endured in life.
I was also bravely (and successfully) thriving through alcoholism, bipolar, anxiety and epilepsy. But after the attack, I became a mess. I know that it’s difficult to comprehend but having studied postgraduate mental health, I understand entirely the lengths the human brain will go to block out severe trauma. But when the memories arrive, “it’s showtime” (and not in a good way!).
SURGICAL NIGHTMARES
What added to the trauma was the unbelievable debacle that no Maxillo-Facial or Craniofacial surgeons were available when the incident occurred. I had to wait with my lower jaw essentially “loosely hanging” in two halves (as one of the fractures was from top to bottom, entirely splitting the bone apart).
Still, when they performed the first surgery, they realised they had to break more bone to reconstruct the jaw to give it “sufficient viability” (i.e., to avoid a prosthetic — the possibility of which was utterly horrifying). The surgeons screwed and wired the crumbled and broken jaw back together and inserted bridges and plates. The aftermath was incredibly excruciating. Having been on Morphine for three days, expecting me to survive the days after that surgery on Panadeine Forte was a staggering decision.
MY RESCUE BY A WORLD-RENOWNED SURGEON
But the trainwreck continued, and several weeks down the track, my teeth began to push out, indicating that the bone was moving. I escalated matters for my well-being. I took myself (at great expense) to a world-famous Craniofacial surgeon, Professor [Kudos], who was not happy with what he saw and said matter-of-factly, “I will fix this. It’s what I do.” He was “old-school,” and I knew the surgical work he carried out overseas for some of the world’s worst facial deformities in children, so I believed he could “fix me.” I was a big fan.
It felt great when the Professor performed his surgery, and I had the “scrap yard” removed. He worked with a specialist dental surgeon who worked hard to correct my teeth. It was most unfortunate that the attack had caused so much horrendous and complicated physical trauma. Moreover, the (unacceptable) delay of initial surgery, then the original botched surgery, meant that the bone never adequately healed and kept contracting osteomyelitis (i.e., a specific bone infection). Every time that happened, they had to debride (scrape) the infected bone (to avoid the infection spreading to other bones, which can be disastrous).
CONSTANT ACUTE OSTEOMYELITIS
I’ve had my jaw debrided around seven times, plus some further reconstructions. Together, they have left a hole in my jaw visible if I pull my lip down. A bridge screwed into the bone is holding my teeth together.
Every time a surgeon has operated on my jaw, they’ve had to forcefully stretch my bottom lip to my chin which is why I lost feeling in my bottom lip leading to the downfall of the decades of dedication, passion and achievement in musical performance. I tried some comebacks but knew they wouldn’t last.
Refrain from knocking your circumstances. Music was my identity and most of my source of inner and outer expression: “My whole Innerverse.”
“ROB’S PHILOSOPHY”
It ruined me at the time, but:
I stand here today, staring right back at it in the face — that it even dared try to conquer me! Because I have had incredible resilience in reimagining my vocations and being transcendent in meeting my life’s mission.
Nothing can change or take away that unique and innate musicality that I have within me (that flows through me as a performer whether I play an instrument, conduct, read or listen) or the significant accomplishments I achieved. I accomplished every musical goal I set for myself. But now I have finally accepted that I have more important things to do, and the universe was trying to tell me that.
My current compassionate surgeon:
I’m fortunate and deeply grateful that I now have a lifetime guarantee from Professor [Kudos’] successor, Professor [Kind], to waive his surgical fees for any onset of osteomyelitis that arises. I have to pay for an anaesthetist, a nurse and the surgeon’s rooms. (Such surgery is typically done in a hospital, but his way of doing it is cheaper as it only takes a few hours). So, I have a compassionate surgeon who knows my whole story and wants to alleviate further suffering. There are authentically empathetic and sympathetic people around us that cancel out the vilest of encounters.
So, philosophically, that’s the “jaw saga” for now (and there will be no musical comebacks on the horizon ever again, but that’s ultimately OK with me because I am filling a uniquely compassionate, empathetic, and benevolent gap now that I was always meant to suffuse— my destiny — see much further below!).
TWO GUYS BASHED A FAG: HERE’S WHAT THEY DESTROYED
I suffer flashbacks to the dreadful relevant Christmas Eve. As mentioned above, I suffer from PTSD due to that event — complexing inherent regular and complex PTSD from other traumatic events over my lifespan. It is sometimes difficult to hear an orchestra, brass band or any performer without feelings ranging from joy to sadness to outright problematic dissociation. But now, working in mental health, I can begin to contextualise what happened to me and how I can help myself and others who (God forbid) have to go through something similar.
My individualised PTSD in context:
After surviving such an unimaginable hate crime and the resulting facial deformity that decimated my successful music career, I had to cope with another devastating layer of pain and suffering: complex PTSD.
While struggling with the long-term trauma of being sexually abused, sexually assaulted, violently assaulted, and other forms of abuse that preceded the attack, it opened my eyes to a world where even my sexual orientation meant that this “outing” left me vulnerable to further injury in ways that profoundly affected my mental health as well as my confidence in life.
The “bashing” was particularly wounding since it took away that part of me that I cherished the most in life: my musical performance. Such a hateful attack left me with many layers of PTSD symptoms. I hope to discuss the ramifications of these traumas and how they have impacted my overall well-being in a further article focusing on my extremely complex PTSD.
Throughout this arduous journey, I have had to confront many layers of emotional and psychological pain that essentially emanated from “being me.” Still, although the aftermath has ultimately taken away the most valuable piece of me, I have discovered a newfound resilience.
As horrific as the experience was, understanding its possible PTSD ramifications has been critical in helping me re-establish a sense of safety and peace within me again.
As I mentioned above: I am a warrior, and this entire debacle has led me to my destiny in life. I could shout it from the rooftops!
A SHORT SYNOPSIS OF MY NON-MUSICAL LIFE
Between 1995 and 2000, I completed an ‘LL.B’, ‘BA’, and ‘BMus’ at the University of Adelaide (as a Charles Hawker Scholar, residing at St. Marks College, North Adelaide) (and a ‘GDLP’ at the Law Society of SA). I practised law in various senior roles at top-tier firms in Adelaide, Melbourne, and the United Kingdom, specialising in corporate and commercial tax law. I also lectured and tutored in corporate, international, and tax law at the University of Adelaide at various times. So, I ran several careers at once: one musical, the other revolving around the legal professions.
BUT MUSIC WAS MY “EVERYTHING”
The essence of my life (my “Innerverse”) was always rooted in music, but that has been remade, reimagined, and remoulded several times.
Salisbury City Band and early success:
I began learning the Cornet (similar to a Trumpet) when I was eight years old at the local brass band (Salisbury City Band, under the tutelage of Mr Ken McMahon). I quickly became proficient and entered local solo competitions, and by age 11, I was winning South Australian (“SA”) titles. Adjudicators were becoming impressed with my sound and musicality.
Elder Conservatorium (University of Adelaide) and orchestral success:
I began studying Trumpet at the Elder Conservatorium (“EC”) of Music, University of Adelaide, at 12. The EC had a program for high school students who were gifted in music to undertake “Single Studies,” where they would undergo rigorous one-on-one training.
EC students would also take their place (when needed) in the EC Wind Ensemble and Brass Ensemble and attend the Adelaide Youth Orchestra (“AYO”) and SA Youth Orchestra (“SAYO”).
My audition performance for the EC won me the “EC Orchestral Trumpet Scholarship,” and I studied under legendary Trumpeter Mr Standish Roberts, who had previously been the Principal Trumpet player with the Adelaide Symphony Orchestra (“ASO”) for a distinguished period.
At that stage, I had a taste for the orchestral scene, and my development as an orchestral player quickly took off. I was the Principal Trumpet of the AYO and SAYO at various times. I was also the Principal Trumpet of the Bishop Orchestra of the SA Music Camp and was invited by the Australian Youth Orchestra to become a member of its Brass Quintet.
Further success and moving on up in the brass band world:
I continued playing the Cornet in community brass bands. I won many competitions, including the SA Junior and Senior Cornet Championships, various Slow Melody titles, SA Brass Champion of Champions titles (both junior and senior), and the Australian National Junior Cornet Championship.
Throughout my orchestral Trumpet journey, I coached young students, played in the local band, and helped out other local bands for various engagements. My musical life was hectic, and I practised individually for two to five hours daily (but I would not have had it any other way).
Eventually, I joined the Tanunda Town Band (“TTB”) in the world-famous Barossa Valley wine region. TTB is well-known for its balance of fun and entertaining music with the more contemporary compositional works that typify brass band contesting (they were and still are an “A Grade” band). I sat as Co-Principal and Principal Cornet at various times.
I had eventually outgrown the Salisbury City Band (and some key individuals were beginning to demonstrate unhealthy symptoms of possessiveness and envy, which strained my mental health). Strangely, so much time has passed since then, yet I have never been invited back as a guest, even though I am a distinguished Life Member!
Essentially, having done nothing to them other than leave and then achieve my wildest dreams indicates that my original diagnosis of their attitude in the mid-90s was “bang on.” That’s a disappointment.
“TAKING THE BATON”
I also had a passion and ambition to become a Conductor. Wing Commander Eric Banks OBE, Principal Conductor of the London Symphonic Wind Orchestra, first gave me that opportunity while I was still a student at Blackfriars Priory School.
Wing Commander Banks taught me in an exclusive course for a handful of students. He acknowledged me as the Dux of that course for “achieving excellent results” and that “[my] experience as a fine Conductor [was] excellent.”
Having then been mocked for my conducting ambition by senior members of the Salisbury City Band, shortly after working with Wing Commander Banks, I became the Deputy Musical Director of the TTB, Musical Director (“MD”) of the Tea Tree Gully Concert Band, and MD of the Trans-Adelaide Band (a band associated with Adelaide’s transport system). In respect of my time with the Tea Tree Gully ensemble, they said:
“The band was challenged by the standards you set as Conductor, and it is generally felt that the band’s playing improved noticeably during your tenure.”
The Deputy MD position at TTB was particularly pertinent, as it allowed me to work with the professional Conductor of the SA Police Band, Mr David Polain, who held the position of MD of TTB at the time. David inspired me, instilling great musical wisdom and nurturing my conducting ambitions (rather than mocking them). I conducted “gigs,” including supporting Julio Iglesias and Dame Shirley Bassey, and at the International “Tour Down Under” (an international professional cycling event).
BECOMING A PROFESSIONAL CLASSICAL MUSICIAN
Jim Dempsey takes me under his wing:
Standish Roberts passed away when I was 16 years old, so after this, Mr James (“Jim”) Dempsey was sought after (by my father) to keep guiding my progress. Sadly, Jim passed away in 2022 and is sorely missed by all in the SA music community. He was a funny, generous, and immensely talented musician who will never be forgotten.
In 1999, I received instruction from Jim for both brass band Cornet and orchestral Trumpet — a complex combination for many players because of the different styles each demand. Jim took me through the Bachelor’s degree stage at EC and attended performance classes with the late legendary Mr Robert (“Bob”) Hower and Head of Brass Performance, Mr Patrick Brislan. Working with Bob and Patrick was also a significant privilege for me.
Still, (“it seemed like”) nothing much had been happening from a Trumpet perspective. In reality, I performed with the Adelaide Wind Orchestra, EC Wind Ensemble, Brass Ensemble, and the EC Symphony Orchestra. I had been invited as guest Principal Trumpet of the Adelaide Youth Orchestra on occasion and was also performing in auditions and recitals.
However, after covering quite a lot of repertoire in our time together, Jim decided to give me a challenge I had never faced before, Jolivet’s “Concertino for Trumpet and Strings.” I worked on it for some time under Jim’s guidance, and then I decided to perform it in front of my peers in an EC performance class, which Patrick Brislan observed.
Although Patrick said nothing directly to me then, flattering praise spread around Adelaide's orchestral scene (thanks to Patrick and Jim). Retrospectively, I was told it had been a “quasi audition!”
PROFESSIONAL ENGAGEMENTS ROLL IN
Within a month, I had my first professional engagement with the Adelaide Symphony Orchestra (“ASO”) and was appointed to play in “Swan Lake” with the touring English National Ballet Orchestra. I was officially “on the casual list” for the ASO and continued to have intermittent engagements. Soon after, I took on the Principal Trumpet position for Mr Simon Gallaher’s professional touring operetta (“The Merry Widow”) and continued with the English National Ballet Orchestra performances.
I also continued to perform with and conduct TTB (as deputy MD to Jim, who had been appointed MD after David Polain’s tenure ceased). All this was happening whilst I tried earnestly to keep up with my “triple-bachelor studies” at the University of Adelaide.
That is when I suddenly changed course and moved to Sydney for a short period to immerse myself in the professional music scene on the East Coast of Australia. Such rash decisions were not uncommon (see my articles on my Bipolar Disorder!).
PROFESSIONAL ENGAGEMENTS IN SYDNEY
I played Principal Trumpet with the same production of “The Merry Widow.” I also played Principal Trumpet for several television shows with the Channel Nine Studio Orchestra, conducted by legendary Maestro Geoff Harvey OAM. I also gave my symphonic brass peers a “white-knuckle” recital of Jolivet’s “Concertino” (which was well-received). I also played with the Sutherland Shire Brass Band (then an excellent “A Grade” band) at the 1999 New South Wales (“NSW”) State Band Championships.
REALITY LEADS TO A CHANGE IN DIRECTION
Once all seasons of “The Merry Widow” had been completed, I returned to Adelaide to ensure that my law exams were going to be passed with “enough distinction.” Having undertaken several auditions after this, I did not obtain any more work in Sydney soon enough. After all, I needed decent employment as a lawyer because a music career would not grant me a substantial livelihood unless I “won a brass audition lottery.”
I had to be honest with myself about that.
Eventually, having played in some ASO Trumpet engagements during this time, I was unaware that the ASO’s and SA Opera’s production of Wagner’s mammoth “Parsifal” in 2001 was to be my final professional “gig” with the ASO.
COMING BACK TO BANDING: BRUCE RAYMOND AND K&N BRASS
However, my music world was still spinning fast, but it was changing. I had attended several interstate concerts and contests with TTB, and the band began to have a lull after some heartbreaking contest results.
My Trumpet playing had been “put on the shelf” because I didn’t have the time to play professionally due to my commitments as a busy corporate tax lawyer (where the hours were sometimes extreme). Nonetheless, I took up the Flugel Horn position at TTB, and whilst I had briefly ceased having lessons with Jim, I entered the State Brass Solo Championships.
I won the Flugel Horn title, performing Arban’s “Carnival of Venice” (it had always been a dream to perform it, and I was awarded 98/100). However, I narrowly lost the “Champion of Champions” title, as conceded by adjudicator Dr Kevin Cameron straight after the results.
I widened my brass band circle because I was receiving less professional work. I also no longer felt that my future would be with TTB, as its standards were slipping whilst mine were still improving.
At that time, I was mentored by local brass legend Mr Bruce Raymond OAM, MD of Kensington & Norwood (“K&N”) Brass. I appreciated how Bruce always supported, inspired, and pushed me to become as great as possible, just as he did for all his K&N Brass musicians.
K&N BRASS: NATIONAL CHAMPIONS OF AUSTRALIA
Eventually (late 2001), I decided to move across to K&N Brass on the Flugel Horn position, right in time for their preparations for the 2002 National Australian Band Championships (“A Grade”). K&N Brass’ preparations were diligent, tenacious, and meticulous — and with performances widely praised, we won the Australian National “A Grade” title, a memory to be cherished for life by all involved!
It was thoroughly satisfying for me to perform at the highest level at K&N Brass, led by Bruce. While playing with K&N Brass (and working as a lawyer and philanthropist), my interest and, thus, a priority in music was rekindled. It became more challenging to split my dedication between law and music. That also became apparent to my superiors at my law firm, Finlaysons (who weren’t impressed with the excessive attention I was beginning to devote to my life in music).
During this time (2002–2005), ASO’s Principal Trumpet player Glenn Madden had retired but then offered to join K&N Brass’ ranks. I suggested moving onto Solo Tenor Horn to enable Glenn to take the Flugel Horn position, where his incredible talents could be showcased. It was a formidable section with the two of us (alongside (the late) Mrs Lesley Raymond and other excellent horn players). This was “a vital cog in the K&N wheel” regarding our success in the first half to the mid-2000s. Bruce said:
“Robbie was a major contributor in National and State Championship wins with this band [and] [h]e travelled to the UK and was successful playing at the highest level of Brass Banding.”
SOLO DYNAMITE
During my time at K&N Brass, I won SA solo titles (including ballad) and slow melody titles on Flugel Horn and Tenor Horn, and the SA Champion of Champions (“COC”) title (2002) and performed in the Ern Keller International (“EKI”) Soloist of the Year (2003) on Flugel Horn, a third placing in the Australian National Tenor Horn Championship (2004), and one other state COC title (2004) and appearance at the EKI (2005) on Tenor Horn. The lightning pace from which I rose in standard from post-Trumpet to Tenor Horn astonished me and everyone around me! Was the Tenor Horn destined to be my primary instrument after all those years on Trumpet?
As well as performing in the EKI twice, my “meteoric rise” (4barsrest.com) on the Tenor Horn came to the attention of one of the world’s leading euphonium players. The latter adjudicated me in 2004 (one adjudication comment sheet had one word — “Wow” — written on it). He encouraged me to go to the United Kingdom (UK) and play for the world’s top brass bands.
Yet another world-class euphonium player reiterated this in 2005, who, when playing with K&N Brass in their top three finish at the 2005 Australian National Band Championships, referred to my playing as “absolutely stunning.” Not one to “dilly-dally through my life,” it was the nudge I needed at the time because I was desperately unhappy with my legal career.
I, therefore, gave two months’ notice to Finlaysons and began preparing for a huge life change by moving overseas!
A MOVE TO THE UNITED KINGDOM AND A DREAM COME TRUE
Royal Northern College of Music:
I auditioned for the Royal Northern College of Music (“RNCM”) (Manchester, UK) on Tenor Horn and decided to take my chances on what band I would end up joining. I began studying under Tenor Horn Lecturer Lesley Howie (Solo Horn for Black Dyke Band). After negotiating with the RNCM, I couldn’t cover the funding for full-time postgraduate musical performance studies, so I paid on a Single Studies basis.
Unfortunately, at the time, that meant I had to gain employment to survive, so I fell back to what I knew best; the legal profession (luckily, I got a job at a brilliant firm with great people, cutting-edge corporate work, and a hefty salary package: Addleshaw Goddard LLP).
Phillip McCann and Seller’s International Band:
I kept up with my lessons with Lesley and diligently networked for a new “horn position.” I met Mr Phillip McCaan, a world-famous Cornet virtuoso, in Leeds. Mr McCaan had been the adjudicator who awarded me the 1996 Australian National Junior Cornet Championship. After giving me some invaluable advice, he invited me to play with his Sellers International Band, a Championship Section band in the middle of preparing for the British Open Championships. The band was very welcoming and invited me to travel with them for their journey in performing the late Bramwell Tovey’s “The Night to Sing” (which I would later perform with Leyland Band). The experience was unforgettable, but I still needed “a band to call home.”
MY APPOINTMENT TO SOLO HORN OF LEYLAND BAND, WINNERS OF THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS OF GREAT BRITAIN (2005)
The famous Championship Section bands of Leyland and Besses o’ th’ Barn were both looking for Solo Horn players. Still, Leyland Band placed me on an official trial, with an additional audition planned for a few months later. A stroke of unbelievable chance meant I was playing Solo Horn for the 2005 National Champions of Great Britain — something that was never in my wildest dreams (at that stage!).
Furthermore, a massive highlight during this tenure was placing second in the Tenor Horns at the 2005 British Open Solo Championship.
Comment From Emeritus Conductor of Leyland Band:
At the time, Leyland Band was being conducted by internationally renowned Adjunct Professor Russell Gray, who, in reflection on the history of brass bands stretching over 200 years, said that:
“The very best of the brass bands in the UK are comparable in performance standard with the likes of the Berlin Philharmonic and the London Symphony Orchestra [Professor Gray is also an orchestral Conductor].”
Professor Gray said about my specific playing with Leyland and generally:
“To maintain the level of playing required to hold a principal solo position in such an ensemble involves a lifetime of dedicated practice. Robert held such a position for years in the heart of the brass banding world, playing at the highest level, and was a much-valued part of the team. The bands he was a member of regularly performed in the most prestigious concert halls in the UK and found themselves in recording studios working for the likes of the BBC on many occasions.”
My peers at Leyland included fellow lawyer Ms Katrina Marzella (who held the Solo Baritone seat at Leyland before moving to the Black Dyke Band); she pinpointed my “exceptional problem-solving skills,” “aura of confidence,” and “great sound.” Tuba prodigy Mr Iain McKnight described me as an “intuitive musician, playing with style and assurance in what was a really exciting time for the band.”
Comment from Professor David King on my general reputation at that time:
My abilities and reputation were spreading around the banding world at this time, and even Professor David King reflected on my place in British banding (as):
“Having previously established an extremely high level of peer-assessed distinction as a brass player [with an] enviable past performance level.”
A MOVE TO THE WORLD-FAMOUS BESSES O’ TH’ BARN BAND
Lesley Howie had left the Black Dyke Band in late 2005 and, over the winter break, was announced as Leyland’s new Solo Horn player. Things were moving quickly, but I remember saying, “That’s UK banding for you!” Perhaps this was all meant to be! I had been commuting to Leyland from Leeds, which took hours each way, so it had been very tiring.
But Besses o’ th’ Barn (in Bury, Manchester) contacted me to see if I would be interested in joining them, and they offered to arrange transport. I eventually moved from Leeds to Manchester, spent a whole year on Solo Horn, and built up an enviable reputation as a soloist with the band.
I also played for (or “depped with” as it is more commonly described in banding circles) other Championship Section bands in this particular period, including the famous Fodens Band (sight-reading Philip Sparke’s “The Year of the Dragon” — which was a dream for me). I also performed with Brighouse & Rastrick, Fairey, the BT Band, Sellers, and also back to Leyland on occasion!
Lesley Howie, Solo Horn with Leyland, approached me to come back to Leyland and play 1st Horn in 2007. It was a tough decision because Besses o’ th’ Barn had been very supportive of me, and I had made close bonds with everyone, and they were going through a tough time with their commitment levels. Still, I felt that taking a step back from a principal position might be a better option for my mental well-being, so I returned to Leyland in a lower position.
BOUNCING BACK TO LEYLAND
Leyland was playing at a very high standard, and we won the Northwest Areas of the National Championships of Great Britain that year, ahead of Fodens and Fairey Bands. Still, my interest dwindled as my passion for the law became reignited.
In the middle of Leyland’s Switzerland tour, I remember “losing a bit of spark” and offered to swap with 2nd horn player Vicki White, as I could see her ambition and felt I had no right to stop her. I believe it was the right and honourable decision. Even though, as a result of not being challenged by the 2nd horn parts, I began to lose interest altogether, and slowly but surely, the “fire in my belly” was extinguished.
I was also having some personal issues. I became a part-time player by a few months into 2008, being called upon when needed, but I can’t remember the exact moment of the dissolution of the Leyland-Kavanagh partnership. It simply fizzled out.
PERMANENT RETURN TO AUSTRALIA
Upon permanently returning to Adelaide, South Australia (“SA”), not keen to pick up playing again, I concentrated on taking over the Enfield Band as MD. It was a very successful partnership because they listened attentively as I gave suggestions and instructions, and we all worked hard to improve for the band’s sake. In my two years tenure, I was able to steer them to “five out of five” competition wins in the “C Grade” section, twice participated in the International Fringe Festival, and performed with distinction at countless engagements.
I initially played at a few engagements with K&N Brass on Tenor Horn and Baritone Horn, but something devastating was about to happen to me that would cause my music world to “crash and burn.”
As outlined in the opening sections of this article, I was bashed, causing significant trauma to my jaw, teeth, and bottom half of my face. This, as well as the many instances of surgery to “mend” previous errors or debride infected bone (osteomyelitis), meant that I would never be able to play at “my style and proficiency” again.
I felt like returning to SA had been a massive mistake. With my problems and mental health issues mounting, I felt that “escaping” might be a good option. So, I found a job in Melbourne, Victoria, and moved there two years later.
MOVE TO MELBOURNE
I conducted the Preston Band for a handful of rehearsals, but unfortunately (for me), they were “set” on the return of their successful Conductor Mr Tom Paulin. The timing was not in my favour, as I had turned down an offer to conduct a “B Grade” band, hoping that Preston would “take a chance” on me. I was keen to continue conducting and was genuinely happy for Tom and Preston Band.
I am philosophical and put it down to “the luck of the draw of life.” I also conducted Hawthorn and Diamond Valley Bands and other bands in my time, but nothing of a permanent nature.
I adjudicated at the Melbourne International Brass Festival, was a local band radio show regular, and ran a website called “Brass Hub.” This enabled me to attend many band contests around the country for a few years — providing “my honest opinion” on bands’ performances. It was meant to be “a bit of fun,” and most people took it that way (thankfully).
A comeback attempt with Australasia’s best:
All whilst this was happening, I was having surgery on my jaw. I was in touch with Mr Mark Ford, who conducted Kew Band Melbourne (“KBM”) — one of Australasia’s leading bands at the time. Mark was keen for me to attend a rehearsal on Solo Horn for a reading of the test piece for the 2011 Australian National Band Championships. I was entirely “in denial” and attempted to play that night, determined to make a breakthrough. Frankly, it was shocking and humiliating; and I couldn’t play near the required standard. The band went on to win the “A Grade” title with a fantastic Solo Horn player in my place.
Finally, a successful comeback of sorts, still with the top brass:
However, after some more healing, I bought a new Tenor Horn in an auction later that year (a superb Yamaha Neo — I had always played on Besson Sovereigns, but I “fell in love” with the Neo). I worked extremely hard for several months to see if I could get to a decent standard.
Ultimately, I felt I would be “good enough” to play 2nd Horn for KBM if Mark would allow me to “give it a go,” and thus it was! Unbeknownst to KBM, I had to practice one hour each morning, and two hours each night, to play at the level required and suffered significant fatigue (being subjected to long hours for my day job). But there I was, playing for yet another current National Champion band.
There were rich rewards, with KBM coming third place in “A Grade” for the next Australian Nationals — the level of playing by the band in that contest has remained one of the highlights of my musical life. It still baffles me that the band was not placed higher. However, I was blessed to play with KBM at the State Victorian Championships, where we did win the “A Grade” title.
It was the last time I would play the Tenor Horn in a band ever again. I developed acute osteomyelitis. The resulting surgical trauma (including dead nerves and altered bone structure) decimated my embouchure, leaving me disabled to produce a clear sound or attempt any range.
RETURN TO SOUTH AUSTRALIA
Floundering on Cornet with K&N Brass:
After returning to SA, I kept a low-key from a musical perspective. I had not picked up a brass instrument in years. Although I did “fall in love with the Violin” for a while, I could not keep to the strict regime required to make a (reasonably) decent sound. That frustrated me, having been a perfectionist as a musician all my life.
Unexpectedly, I received a phone call from K&N Brass asking if I would be interested in helping them on the “bottom third Cornet” chair for the 2017 Australian National Band Championships. They thought it might be something I could handle, and I was pleased with the request, so I decided to throw everything into being able to play those parts for that one competition.
I loved being in the atmosphere of the band competitions again, and although the band did not perform to its potential, it was much fun. However, I knew I would not be able to play “gigs” anymore because I was not at the required standard. It broke my heart all over again.
PROFESSOR DAVID KING SUMMARISED MY PREDICAMENT:
Professor David King (Emeritus Professor of the University of Salford and the International Chair of Music Performance at the Royal Northern College of Music) summed up my predicament whilst discussing my playing and trauma:
“On very rare occasions, however, we know or hear of a performer (such as well-known Australian horn player Robert Kavanagh) who, having previously established an extremely high level of peer-assessed distinction as a brass player, has involuntarily been subjected to physiological ‘traumas’ — the inevitable outcome being a retrograde and debilitating decline in the player’s ability to transcend the outcome of this trauma experience — both physically and psychologically — clearly a direct result of the acute level and specific nature of the inflicted ‘trauma’ experience and the serious repercussions thereof.”
APPOINTMENT TO THE MUSICAL DIRECTORSHIP OF K&N BRASS
And when that could well be the end of my world of music, whilst the K&N Brass was at Launceston, Tasmania, for the Nationals in 2017, in the post-contest drinks and celebrations/commiserations, a serious discussion was had about who would take the band forward in the position of MD.
There was another band in SA (Marion Band) who were very competitive and “nipping at the band’s heels for a few years.” K&N did not want to lose to them at the state contest, but they also wanted to flourish moving forward. I was suggested as an ideal candidate and was warmly and enthusiastically supported. Before the band had even left Tasmania, it was agreed that I would “take the baton” on a “mutual trial” basis. I was utterly delighted.
Upon my return to SA, I continued my postgraduate studies and teaching at the University of Adelaide and took on the role of MD of K&N! But there was a reality to face, and that was that compared to the past (when the legendary Bruce Raymond OAM conducted the band), they had substantially slipped in standard.
K&N Brass had allowed players of a standard not consistent with “A Grade” expectations (both musically and by commitment) to sign with the band, which polluted the overall technique and sound quality. Once that happens, it is incredibly challenging for any Conductor to reverse.
I consciously decided to “walk into the band room” as if the band had the requisite attitude and standard and to endeavour to foster improved esteem and an energetic atmosphere amongst the players. I also prepared “packages of technique drill” so that the less proficient players could attend to essential background work to help raise the overall standard from beneath.
It was a combination that worked immensely well. With undeniable attention to detail that was focused on by everyone in rehearsals, we lifted to a level above our earlier Launceston appearance.
K&N Brass won their/our “bragging rights” as SA “A Grade” Champions: by 10 points!
We had many successful engagements. However, it was a particularly stressful tenure due to the intermittent lack of personnel and having to negotiate my way through up to 20 musicians of widely varying capabilities. Many had questionable care factors for the grade they thought they were entitled to be in.
There was also an unfortunate element of toxicity in certain corners of the band that challenged the positivity of others. This caused significant harm to my mental health, spoiling the overall potential of the band and me as a team and ensuring that, ironically, they were trapped in a loop of mediocrity of their own design. It was hard going, as it has been for other members and conductors who have talked to me, who, like me, were subjected to hurtful slander regarding neurodivergence and mental illness.
I hope those darker elements within the band receive the compassion and empathy they lack and begin to scaffold, soothe, and heal those around them rather than pivot from their egos and misguided notions of their place within the ensemble: Still, I’m always open and willing to help when people have open hearts as I work according to compassion, empathy, and benevolence.
I’m afraid truth is an ingredient of future enduring harmony, but I refuse to pretend that brass bands are some fantasy ensemble of happy-go-lucky well-balanced people. As a director, you are subjected to a jumble of psychological reactions, all on a broad spectrum of egocentricity.
There were some great times, and highlights for the Kavanagh-K&N combination included the 2017 win, the ‘Paganini in the Cathedral’ concert at St. Peter’s Cathedral (North Adelaide), and K&N’s 120th Birthday Celebrations at the Burnside Ballroom towards the end of my tenure.
K&N is still a good local band that prides itself on trying hard (recently coming 2nd place in “A Grade” in SA behind Bruce Raymond OAM’s outstanding Tanunda Town Band, a notable achievement).
I will always wish K&N Brass the best despite our dwindling relationship towards the end of my time with the band. After all, I am inextricably linked to the band as a significant alumnus and always will be: My contributions and achievements with them can never be erased.
Ultimately, that makes me incredibly proud “for” all of us.
WALKING AWAY WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE
I walked away from K&N Brass, happy.
My work and studies had begun and now continue to concentrate on mental and neurological health research, which I am deeply passionate about. I am the Founder and CEO of the Newosis Mental Health Foundation with a fantastic team of fellow mental health professionals. Our purposes are to carry out novel mental and neurological health research, education, and support, according to a framework of compassion, empathy, and benevolence, from the “lived experience perspective.”
I am also linked with the University of Adelaide concerning specific research and undertaking a Master of Theology through Charles Sturt University. Moreover, I was awarded a Doctorate of Pastoral Psychology and Counselling for my academic achievement in Theology and my voluntary counselling of trauma-affected adolescents over the past ten years.
Relevant to this was my study toward a Master of Counselling and Psychotherapy. I was particularly captivated by the topic of trauma and (Buddhist-based) compassion-focused methodologies for soothing and healing. This opened my mind to the untapped potential of a spectrum of spirituality for these purposes (including revisiting ancient rituals via anthropology):
A conjunction of the established with the confounding strives towards an enlightened and profound philosophical approach to psychotherapy (where it is hermetic by way of ethical scrutiny and scientific verification).
So, by deciding to end my legal career due to mental health reasons and then losing the ability to play my Trumpet or Horn altogether, I eventually had an epiphany (thankfully) and decided to move into the helping professions and began helping troubled adolescents: helping, scaffolding, soothing, and healing — and I could not be happier with my choices!
I realise that the wounds and scars are part of me, and I must harness them to my benefit. As Khalil Gibran says, “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” I truly believe this applies to me, for without the harm done to me by others, I would not have become capable of empathy and compassion (because I became able to identify the soothing and healing that my physical and emotional wounds required). It has given me the determination to build a new skill set that prioritises the ideals, wellness, and well-being of others and puts them at the centre of my world.
As such, I now have peace and self-compassion and humbly realise my worth to others.
