Finding Motivation Through Burnout — I Need To Get Back To My Dreams
A story of how I (almost) gave up my dreams for a different career path, and rediscovered my dreams through burnout.
From a young age, I had always dreamed about doing something creative for a living. Surely, I had bounced between different ideas of what that career would look like throughout the years, but the main idea had always been the same; using my creativity and bringing something of value to the world. As a child growing up in the 90s and early 2000s, I wanted to be a singer, an actress, and a writer. I had no idea how I would get to Hollywood or Broadway to audition for anything, nor did I know how I would get a book published living in my small town. Does any child really know these things? Especially one who is constantly being told that their dreams are out of reach, rather than being given guidance on how they might be able to achieve these goals. But as social media became more and more prevalent throughout my high school and adult years, and I saw others making careers posting their creative content online, I discovered what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a content creator.
Yes, I know that there are many people out there who will chuckle at this notion. “Oh boy, another influencer”, some may say, along with derogatory “good luck” types of comments. Some people may instantly think about content creators who have made headlines for less-than-wholesome things or straight-up horrific things; let’s be honest. We won’t get too into this topic today, as that is not the point of this article. As a matter of fact, the reason that I am mentioning the negative connotations that people often have about content creators is the fact that the people around me, namely my family, have said things of this nature to me when I would tell them that my goal is to use my creativity to make a living through content creation.
Mind you, my parents do come from a different generation and I know that most parents just want what they believe is in their children’s best interest; mine included. I understand my parents’ concerns when they hear me say that I want to make a career out of blogging. I know that it is not an easy career path, and it takes a lot of work and even a bit of luck to “make it” as a content creator. And I will say that while my family’s comments towards my goals were often hurtful, I am grateful they also never tried to stop me from making content; even as they constantly nagged me to get a “real” job.
That said, I can’t say that my family’s constant nagging about how I needed a “real job” didn’t get to me. So in late-October 2020, I decided to apply for a part-time job as a receptionist at an assisted living facility, just so I wouldn’t have to hear the constant nagging about how I needed to have a real job. I’m also not going to lie, I wasn’t exactly making money off of blogging, and I was tired of not having any money of my own. Money that I could use to potentially better my blog. Anyway, upon applying for my current day job, I was almost immediately hired and got started in November 2020, and I initially loved it. I was actually shocked by how much I loved working there. This leads to where I am over a-year-and-a-half later.
The “Honeymoon” Phase — I Strongly Considered Making My “Day Job” A Career
Before I go any further, I would like to say that I am not trying to bash my current job. The senior living community that I work for has treated me quite well, and I am grateful for that fact. There are also still some aspects of my day job that I enjoy, aside from the paycheck. I enjoy chatting with my co-workers as they walk through the lobby. I also love chatting with many of the residents when they stop by the front desk; there are some residents who absolutely make my day. I enjoy getting dressed up for work and putting together a professional feminine outfit that showcases my personal style. I enjoy the feeling of “getting shit done” and helping everything run smoothly. I also enjoy all of the ways that this job has helped me to grow as a person. However, while there are aspects of my day job that I do enjoy, there are many aspects that just aren’t for me. However, it took a while for me to realize it. Or perhaps I did realize it, but it took a while for me to accept it.
Honestly, the signs that my day job wasn’t quite the career path were there early on. As an introvert, working the front desk, and dealing with the seemingly endless stream of people would leave me feeling quite drained by the end of the day. And I’m sure that anyone who has ever worked in any service or customer service type of job can tell you that humans can sometimes flat-out be a pain in the ass. It’s also not exactly a secret that the healthcare industry isn’t exactly for everyone either; I have an immense amount of respect for healthcare workers, as I had always known that it is not an easy job. This job has only increased my respect for healthcare workers, and the patience that they have to deal with patients in some of their worst moments, as well as those patients who put up a fight with those who are trying to help them. This is not always the patient’s fault, mind you, conditions such as Alzheimer’s can cause a person to become combative out of confusion and fear.
That said, while I may not have been providing direct care to any of the residents, I would still come across some of the difficult aspects that come along with working in an assisted living facility. If I’m honest, some of these challenges were just too much for me from the very beginning and would leave me trying to actively avoid certain situations.
However, there were also many rewards that came with working there as well, and it was the rewarding moments that had me considering going full-time and making senior living my career. I enjoyed helping the elderly and making their day, and I briefly considered becoming a registered nurse. Though I quickly realized, that I could not be a nurse. How can I be a nurse when I know I couldn’t handle the sight of vomit, blood, urine, and other bodily fluids. Also, there’d be no way I could avoid the situations (and people) that made me anxious; I’d actually have to run to them. I’m glad I realized that fact before committing to any schooling. So my next option was to make it a goal to be promoted to Business Office Coordinator when the position opened up; which I thought would be absolutely perfect for me. After all, I’d still be in a workplace that had treated me quite well, I’d have my own quiet office, and surely my family would be proud of me for taking on a management position. So when the position opened up earlier this year, I immediately applied for it, and I was excited about where it might lead me.
However, the second I submitted my application, I also felt a little bit of sadness. There was secretly a part of me that was already hoping I wouldn’t get the promotion because it was also at that moment that I realized, I was practically giving up on my lifelong dream. I already hadn’t worked on my blog in over a year at that point, because I’d feel tired after working part-time. How was I going to have any energy to get back to blogging if I was working full-time, with an even more stressful job? I knew the position wouldn’t be easy, even before I knew what it entailed, just for the simple fact that it was a management position, for a large corporation. I was basically throwing away my dreams, for something that would make my parents proud.
Rejection Was My Confirmation — I Had To Focus On My Dreams
Okay, so, spoiler alert, I didn’t get the promotion. I’m not going to say my ego wasn’t a little bruised by being told no, directly to my face, but it was what I needed to hear. Once I got past the sting of rejection, I was relieved that I was told that I didn’t qualify for that position, and that they couldn’t offer it to me. It felt as if a weight of expectation had been lifted. Do you want to know the truth? I didn’t apply for that promotion for myself, I applied for it because I felt that my family expected me to. I applied for that position because I thought my family would be proud if I had the title of “Business Office Coordinator” and I was in a sound, secure job. I didn’t apply for it because I dreamed about answering questions about a resident’s bill, submitting paychecks, or working in human resources. Hell no, I just wanted to make my parents proud, and feel like I had accomplished something in their eyes. It was never a goal I had made for myself at all.
Before my interview, I asked the universe if this was really where I was meant to be. Should I move on from my “silly little dream” of being a content creator, and be an “adult” working in a sensible and sustainable career, or should I refocus on my dreams? I mean, even if being a content creator doesn’t quite work out in the way I am hoping, I also have a major passion for web design. I told myself going into this interview, that if I got the position, it was a sign that perhaps I was going off on the right career path, but if I didn’t get the position, I needed to refocus on my original goal. Although the burnout that had already been creeping in on me for months should have been a sign in itself, it became loud and clear when I did not receive that promotion. And if the rejection wasn’t enough to tell me that I need to get back to my dreams, and start setting goals around my dreams, the exponentially worsening burnout that followed was.
Burned Out For Greatness
Over these last few months, I have found myself feeling exponentially more frustrated, anxious, stressed, depressed, angry, and all-around cruddy when it comes to my day job. The feeling often follows me home and doesn’t go away, living rent-free in my mind practically 24/7. I spend so much time dreading the next time that I have to go to work that it’s affecting my ability to enjoy my days off. I’ll be dreading the next work day when it’s three or more days away. And as a lifestyle blogger who had always advocated for self-care, taking care of your well-being, and doing what is best for yourself, I know that this is extremely unhealthy. It’s past unhealthy, it’s toxic. I have to do something about this, I have to get myself on course for my dreams. I need to set goals that are in line with what I want in life, not what anyone else wants for my life, and I need to start now.
I should have already started, and I never should have taken such a long hiatus from creating content, but hey, we can’t change the past. We can only change what we’re doing right now, and let it lead us to a better future. Is it going to be easy? No, I know it won’t. But will be worth it? Absolutely. Even sitting here now, writing the first blog post that I had written in over a-year-and-a-half, I feel as if I am heading back in the right direction, and it feels even better than I had imagined it would when I initially sat down to write today.
So with all of that said, if anyone out there is reading this, and you feel you’re in a similar boat, I strongly encourage you to do the same for yourself. Whether you’re an aspiring content creator or CEO, or you have an entirely different dream, start taking the step towards that dream to make it a goal. It may not be easy, it may even be uncomfortable, but it will be worth it.
