I Don’t Really Fit In — And I’m More Than Okay With That Fact
How I learned to embrace being an outcast as well as the “black sheep” of the family, and why I don’t want to fit in where I live.
I was the polar opposite of popular in school; I was an outcast. I did not have many friends, and as you may be able to guess, by the fact that I call myself an outcast, I was bullied quite often. Was everyone in my small town school a bully toward me? Of course not, but I often found it challenging to relate to many of my peers, which led me to doing most things alone. I often sat alone at lunch, took on many group projects by myself, and spent my nights at home on my computer; I think you get the idea. Honestly, while I did want to fit in back in middle school, I didn’t even mind being an outcast in high school. I was starting to embrace it. I prefer to do most things by myself, and I’ve always gravitated towards quiet solo activities from an early age. Looking back on it now, being an outcast in school was a blessing in disguise. While I can’t say that it wouldn’t have been nice to have a few close girlfriends to have slumber parties, go to the mall, and go to cute little coffee shops with, I’m glad that I wasn’t invited to anything 99.9% of the time. I’ve never been a partier, I never cared to stand on the seat of the bleachers at a noisy football game, and I didn’t want to partake in the “country life” activities many people are into around here.
However, I must say that it’s taken me a lot longer to embrace the fact that I also don’t fit in with my family. If I’m honest, I’m still in the process of embracing the fact that I’m different from the rest of my family, the black sheep, as some may say. I feel as if the pressure from my family to be who they want me to be is constant, and the teasing from my family comes on a daily basis, multiple times a day. I’m not going to lie; it’s the remarks that come from my own family that often hurt the most, whether it’s a “joke” or not. I’m constantly being told that I need to “take a joke” as my family takes a stab at my insecurities. I’m constantly being told who I should be, what I should be doing, and what I should believe; while also being told to think for myself and be an individual. The irony. Apparently, being an individual and thinking for myself means being someone that I know that I’m not and taking on my family’s beliefs, even if they are the opposite of my own. Apparently, I’m supposed to take an interest in outdoorsy activities that I prefer to avoid, because they’ll make me a “good ole country girl” or they will toughen me up. But what if I don’t want to be a country girl, or I don’t want to be their version of tough? What if I just want to be Katherine?
So Who Am I?
I’ll be honest I’m probably not the type of person many people have in mind when they think of an outcast. I am a complete “girly girl” who gravitates towards and embraces all things feminine. I have always had a love for makeup, fashion, floral things, pink, and just about anything you might associate with femininity. I love spending my mornings sipping on a hot cup of coffee or tea, doing some yoga or pilates, reading a book or magazine, and scrolling through social media. I’m the girl who loves avocado toast, fresh fruit, and salads. My hobbies include writing (obviously), bullet journaling, drawing, photography, coding, shopping, playing The Sims, and decorating my space. I also have an edgy side that loves the color black, leather, spikes and studs, alternative rock, horror movies, and the nighttime, but I feel as if most people have some sort of a “dark” side. Am I right? I also enjoy quite a few “nerdy” things, but aren’t we all just a little bit nerdy?
Some may read this description I have written about myself and think that I am a basic bitch, and you know what, everyone has the right to their opinion, I suppose. I have also heard quite a few comments in my personal life about how I “try too hard” when I am simply being myself, particularly from my family and the country folks around here who prefer a more simplistic, outdoorsy, and rugged lifestyle. I am “trying too hard” when I spend hours putting together the perfect outfit, coordinating a pink floral dress with the perfect accessories, and coordinating hair and makeup looks, rather than just throwing on some old jeans and a t-shirt. Apparently, there is something “wrong” with me because I have zero interest in drinking beer and partaking in a noisy social gathering; I’d rather stay home, drink my herbal tea, and meditate. I’d rather take a bubble bath and give myself a facial than go mudding. I think you get the idea that I am not a country girl; I’m a soft, dainty, girly girl. And you know what? That’s okay. Don’t get it twisted either I fully understand why my interests and the way I choose to live my life aren’t for everyone. I understand why “country life” brings many people joy, even if it’s not for me.
I will say, however, that there are differences between me and the people around me that run even deeper. I am not going to get too political today, but I will say that being on the opposite end of the political spectrum from my family and many of the people living in my area can lead to some rather intense disagreements. Or should I say, arguments. I know that politics can be a particularly touchy subject, so as I said, I’m not going to dive into this, not today anyway. But I will say that I have always been a little more liberal than the highly conservative folks around me. Some may say that I am “radical” because I want everyone to be treated equally and with kindness, regardless of race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, social status, health, or any other factors. I’ve gotten quite a few nasty looks in school when I would stand up for womens’ or LGBTQIA+ rights in school, and I’ve gotten into some heated debates with my family over the same topics. (But let’s move on now, and let’s also save our political debates for another day.)
Being Unapologetically Myself, Fully Embracing My Differences, And Loving To Stand Out
I’ll be honest, I owe quite a bit of my journey of self-love, confidence, and even self-discovery to the internet. I know how crazy that sounds; there’s a lot of nastiness on the internet, but there is also a lot of good. I have always believed that social media is what you make of it, and for me, it became a useful tool to help me find my tribe, explore my interests (and even find new ones), open my mind to various new ideas, and express my creativity. Social media has given me a place to just be me, and I feel that I am my most authentic self online. This isn’t to say that my social media isn’t primarily a highlight reel, and I am not editing anything to fit that highlight reel, but I am not pretending to be someone else, as I have often found myself doing IRL. In private conversations with my online friends, I can be fully and authentically myself. I could go on and on about the positive impact that the internet has had on my life and how it has helped me embrace being an outcast, but I also owe my journey to who I am today to myself as well. After all, you can read article after article about building confidence, listen to podcast after podcast about self-love, and watch video after video about self-discovery, but you also have to act on it.
I’ll be honest with you, there was quite a long period of time where I wallowed in self-pity because I was an outcast. I wallowed in self-pity for many reasons; anxiety and depression can be a bitch, not going to lie. However, I had to get myself up and start being who I am, regardless of what anyone else might think about me or what I’m doing. I decided to wear the twirly flowery pink dress complete with a petticoat underneath to the workplace, with a huge bow in my hair to top it all off, without worrying about what anyone else thinks about my outfit. (I actually get a lot of compliments on my style now.) I will drink my coffee in the morning and greet the day with a refreshing yoga session, even if my family thinks coffee is gross and yoga is a waste of time. I will shamelessly spend a good day to be outside working at my desk, though I do also love going for long walks with my AirPods in listening to alternative rock. I will scream when a creepy crawly gets too close to me and not care if someone thinks I am a wimp. I will be a dreamer when everyone else tells me to be more realistic. I will stand up for what I believe in, even if I’m the only one in the room doing so. I will be unapologetically myself.
So, I never fit in when I was in school, and I’m the black sheep of my family, but you know what? It’s okay that I don’t fit in. It’s more than okay that I don’t fit in. I was born to stand out, not to just blend in. I was meant to do more than be ordinary and live an average life. I was meant to be my own person and perhaps inspire others through my journey. With that said, I hope that, if you’re reading this, you also choose to be your authentic self. Wear clothes that express who you are, explore your interests, chase your dreams, and do the things that make your heart sing. Who cares what anyone else thinks? You’re going to be criticized and judged no matter what, so you might as well just be yourself.
